To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > Books Sept. 7, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/books/col/keil/1999/09/07/perfect_woman Still tempted She's the perfect woman: Gorgeous, intelligent and horny most of the time. Why do I still lust after other beautiful women? - - - - - - - - - - - - By Garrison Keillor My advice last week to Stuck and Confused set off car alarms, and so let me attempt to elucidate. S&C is a man who is stuck in a silent and loveless marriage and wants a divorce but wonders if it'll hurt the kids. My answer was: Yes, of course it will; it always does; you and your wife ought to move to opposite ends of the house and just concentrate on being polite and conversing because, whether you go ahead separately or together, you're going to need to communicate. I did not advise him to "stay together for the sake of the kids," though many readers thought that I did. I did think that he won't get the "amicable divorce" he wants unless he and his wife start being amicable now. I should have been clearer in saying that divorce can be a healthy and reasonable choice. Of course it can. There were many good letters taking me to task. The most moving, to me, were from men and women who said their parents were cold and angry toward each other and that their anger had made it harder for their children to have healthy, loving relationships. One letter writer said: "My mother and father never kissed, never hugged, never spoke warmly to each other that I ever heard or saw, and this weird cold life had a brutal effect on me and my brothers. Get the divorce, pick up the pieces, move on, and try to be happy. That's my advice." "Having lived with a mother and father who waited 29 years to divorce, I can tell you that a loveless marriage is no picnic for kids. My siblings and I were at a loss as to what was wrong, because my parents put on a happy face though they weren't really happy. I grew up believing happiness wasn't something I deserved to have in my mate. Lying is harder in the long run; honesty, whether it includes divorce or not, is still the best policy." Another wrote, "Growing up in a house with parents who didn't love each other leaves the children confused and fearful of long-term relationships." And finally: "The pain of a divorce is great, but I would take it any day over growing up in a house where my parents were miserable for my sake. My parents divorced when I was four and it was very distressing but they later remarried and I got a great stepfather, a happy mother and father, some fabulous half siblings and a much healthier family life. I seriously doubt that I would be in the great marriage I am today if loveless parents had been my example." Dear Mr. Blue, I'm lucky enough to enjoy the love and affection of the perfect woman, intelligent, incredibly quick-witted, literate and hip, not to mention sexy, gorgeous and horny most of the time. And yet I still feel overwhelming lust for other beautiful women on a regular basis, and since I started dating the perfect woman a year ago, I have received more unsolicited attention from more beautiful women than I ever had before. I avoid putting myself in the path of temptation, but if I was in a situation where I could have another woman and get away with it, I don't know if I'd be able to resist. These feelings threaten to consume me. Thoughts of a lifelong commitment to the perfect woman drift in and out of my mind. I dare not consider it, though, given my feelings. What can I do? Infidel-at-heart Dear Infidel, Temptation is universal. I don't know about the pope or the Dalai Lama, but most men I know experience lust on a regular basis. I certainly do. But those beautiful women are not going to force you to succumb. They won't slip a Mickey Finn into your club soda and an hour later you find yourself tied to a bunk in a deserted cabin with Lola standing over you, unbuttoning her blouse. It's only in porn movies that strangers leap into bed after a few minutes of conversation. In real life, you need to scheme and maneuver and take some very clear steps, and you'll be aware of them as you take them, and you'll have the opportunity to think of the P.W. and consider whether you want to lose her just so you can tumble in the sheets with a bimbo. What can you do? Stay even further away from temptation than you do now. Shun the situations. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm one of those guys that the younger people who write you don't want to turn out to be. I'm in my mid-40s, never married, in good health, with more than enough money, but totally alone. I have been through three serious relationships in my life that lasted about six years each. Each was loving, passionate and committed to the future. And each ended with a woman leaving me. Now I have been alone for about six years, trying to get a bead on what I am doing wrong. My neighbor has a daughter in her late 20s that I would like to get to know better, and a recently divorced employee with a child has become very attractive to me ... but I am stalled. What should I do? And what is wrong with me? Lonesome Cowboy Dear Lonesome, Don't you think that those three passionate romances simply died of their own weight? Six years is a long time for a love affair to stay up in the air, and perhaps each of the three women came to the same conclusion: that the romance was not going to wind up in marriage and commitment, and so she moved on in search of something more lasting. And perhaps that's all for the best. You've been alone long enough to start again. Don't mess with the employee. Invite the neighbor over and see if the daughter comes along. And stop mourning those old loves: It ain't the dancer, it's the dance, so get back out on the floor and let the music play. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 25-year-old woman in a committed relationship with a man (29) for three years. We live together. Recently I became annoyed with him for coming home from a party at 2 a.m. without letting me know he would be late, and told him I didn't mind where he went or what he did, as long as he let me know when he'd be back and endeavored to be on time. Since then, he has been sulking over this and yesterday announced that he misses being single, and wishes he were "without restrictions." (He did say he doesn't want to break off the relationship.) Is it asking too much that he let me know when he'll be home and call if he's going to be more than an hour late? If he "misses being single," should I cut him loose? All the hostility is wearing me down. Weary of Fighting Dear Weary, The dynamic of a party is highly unpredictable and your partner wants to be able to laugh and cut loose and not be watching the clock like a teenager on a curfew. It strikes me as excessively managerial for you to wait up for him to return, and if you're not waiting up, then what difference does it make if he comes home at 2 a.m. or 3 a.m. or 4 a.m.? Either you trust him to leave home unaccompanied or you don't. If you don't, then work on that. Dear Mr. Blue, I have a happy life, a good job and a wonderful 3-year-old son. Money is pretty tight, however, and everyone seems to think that I should pursue child support. I am not so sure. I dated my son's father while he was separated from his wife and they are now back together. He was also very upset that I refused to end the pregnancy. He has not wanted any contact with his son, nor has he offered to help out in any way. My son has a peaceful, happy existence, and I don't know if pursuing support will bring conflict and disharmony into our lives. What do you think? Struggling Mama Dear Mama, The father of this child is responsible for supporting this child financially. Period. The child did not appear under a toadstool, he wasn't carried in to shore on the back of a dolphin: He is the result of this man coupling with you, and the gentleman is responsible. The fact that he wanted you to end the pregnancy and you didn't is utterly immaterial. The child is his son. Pursue this matter, via whatever legal help you need (look for a women's resource center or legal aid center), for your son's well-being. Even $300 a month, properly invested, could pay for your son's college education. Dear Mr. Blue, I've been pretty good friends with another guy at work for a little over a year. We hang out, grab dinner together every couple of weeks, check out a movie every so often, and I'm glad to call him my friend. I assumed when first meeting him that he was gay, as do most of my friends when they meet him. But he absolutely does not disclose anything about his love life. I'm very accepting of gays, and I feel funny about this gap in my understanding of him as a person. My girlfriend says I should just ask, "Are you gay?" I can't think of anything more inappropriate. Any advice? Getting Annoyed Dear Annoyed, I suppose you could come right out and ask him, after a suitable drumroll ("I hope you don't mind if I ask a personal question ... It's none of my business, but I'm curious." Etc. etc.), and if he is gay, he'd probably laugh and say yes, but what if he is in pain or doubt over his sexual orientation? Or what if he's straight as a ruler? What do you gain from putting him on the spot? Why not go on assuming and not let it be a problem? And let him choose the time to make himself more clear. Dear Mr. Blue, My mother told me never to depend on a man to get what I want, to get it myself, and so I have always made my own way in the world, and I am fairly successful. My friends say I am the most independent and resourceful person they know. The problem is that I think I may be too independent. My recent ex-boyfriend said I didn't act like I "needed him." Well, I don't. Nobody needs anybody. But I am terribly lonely, and someday I want to get married. But I can't seem to let myself depend on anybody. Is it possible to learn how to be "intimate"? How do you make someone feel needed? Please help. Too Independent Dear Too, Your mother gave you good advice, but of course it doesn't cover all the contingencies and vicissitudes of life, and so you need to augment this advice now and then. You may not have needed your ex-boyfriend, but you need somebody and that somebody needs you, and when you meet him you'll get one of life's great experiences, one you shouldn't attempt solo, and that's romance. Moonlight and long walks and kissing in the park and all the rest of it. It's good you're resourceful and independent, and you can hope he is too, but the sweetest part is when you lean on each other. Dear Mr. Blue, A few years ago I was embroiled in an unhealthy affair with an unstable guy that ended when I left town. Months later he called, and though we had an amicable talk I sent him a letter asking that he not call again. He didn't. But he continues to haunt me. Even though he's a manipulative jerk, he had such charisma and presence. Recently I learned he's living nearby. I hate to say it, but part of me wants to see him again. How do I put him to rest? In Need of an Exorcist Dear In Need, When you tell someone to get lost, don't then go looking for him. It's manipulative and it's jerky. If you're haunted by him, sit down and write a memoir about the whole miserable affair, and it'll help cure the problem. Dear Mr. Blue, About a year ago I met this wonderful man, divorced with three children, who seemed the perfect match for me, loving and sensitive, patient, but recently he has been going through a stressful time at work and has become defensive and short-tempered. We took a vacation together for a week, and except for one day, we fought the whole time. He claims that I should "absorb" this behavior, but I don't want to absorb it, I want to drop-kick him to the moon. We are planning to get married next summer, but I have my doubts about this now. Thoughts? Angry Dear Angry, Take a break from this wonderful stressed-out man. If you're living with him, find a reason to go stay with friends for a while. Create some distance in the quietest and least confrontational way you can, and go about your life, and let him approach you and talk to you and explain himself when he is ready to. Put the plans on ice. Don't marry anyone you have serious doubts about. Marriage doesn't smooth these wrinkles out, it may exacerbate them. Dear Mr. Blue, I recently moved back to Chicago after two years in New York City because I was very depressed after the death of a person I was very close to. While in New York, though, I met a very dear man who made it clear he was romantically interested in me. I wasn't ready for that, but since coming back to Chicago and putting things into perspective, I've come to realize that I miss this gentleman and would like to be in a relationship with him. We talk regularly and he has mentioned the idea of flying out to visit me. Should I tell him how I feel? Is it too late? Should I even consider moving back to NYC to be with him? I am afraid that I may have passed by true love. What to do? Anxious Dear Anxious, Tell him you'd love to see him if he wants to make the trip. Avoid making any big declaration of your feelings. Enjoy his company, get to know him a little. Don't move back to New York for romance; do it only if it makes sense to you personally and you have a job and a life of your own to move back to. After a traumatic event, a big move, you need to walk carefully in the garden of romance, lest you stroll into the marsh. Play it lightly: no heavy breathing, no flock of herons rising from the lake, no big cello solos, no lovers running in slow motion toward each other through tall grass. Of course I could be all wrong about this. But somehow I wish you could enjoy the tender pleasures of romance and postpone the big stuff for a while. Dear Mr. Blue, I recently responded to a personals ad via the Web for a handsome (his ad was accompanied by a photo) district attorney, and we chatted and he asked me to send a picture so he could "put a face to the person"; I sent him three and haven't heard from him since. This was three weeks ago. My head tells me that he is busy, but my heart is in a bit of a spin, as things started out so promising and now the silence and waiting are starting to make me feel doubtful that things will ever get off the ground. I should add that I am a reasonably attractive, educated, petite, 42-year-old professional woman who has many interests and abilities. Should I e-mail him a short note encouraging him to write when he has a chance, or should I patiently wait for a response from him? Not So Patient Dear Not So, "You seem a little giddy over this G-man, sister," Marlowe said, swinging his big brogans down from the desk. "That's your business, not mine. But let me give you a word of advice." He tapped a cigarette from the pack and noted that it was his last. "You're a lot more than reasonably attractive, kid. You're the kind of lady men are willing to get in big trouble for." He lit the match on his cuff link and lit up and took a deep drag. "But this D.A. is already in big trouble on his own. You name it, he's in it up to his button-down collar." The private eye walked over to the window and looked out at the evening traffic on Sepulveda. A couple of zoot suits stood swinging their long chains and the clients went in and out of the candy store. The beat cop paced the curb twirling his nightstick. Marlowe saw the girl's reflection in the window. What a sweet kid. How could she fall for a schnook like that? A D.A. is never going to proclaim his love for you. He's going to sit tight and wait for you to crack. "Don't do it, sister," Marlowe said softly. He turned. She gave him a look you could have poured over your pancakes. "How about we continue this over a drink?" she said. "Sure," he said. "Why not?" He knew why not, but what the hell. It was Tuesday. He didn't have anything on the calendar until Friday. Dear Mr. Blue, My husband and I live in the countryside of North Carolina and have done everything we can to stimulate our daughter with art, dance, music, books, but the people who live in this area could give a rat's ass about anything intellectual or artistic, so we are planning a move (I am forcing it) to the coast of Maine in the next year or so. We are deeply rooted here, as far as work, house, etc., but I have this voice inside me that says we MUST move there. The schools here are rated 48th in the nation, and Maine is voted the No. 1 place to raise children by the Children's Rights Council year after year. Do you think moving from one place to another solves things? Stay and make the best of it, or uproot? Confused Dear Confused, That's the Camden Redevelopment Commission that rated Maine No. 1, not the Children's Rights Council. Anyone whose head is screwed on straight and isn't on the take knows that Minnesota is the place to raise a child. Minnesota was settled in the mid-19th century by people fleeing Maine who brought with them whatever culture Maine had, and it has thrived and burgeoned here on the sunny plains. Art, dance, music, books -- we've got all that and also an exciting cartoon-strip governor. What Maine has is a strip of culture along its coastline about two or three miles wide, and then a vast swampy mosquito-infested moose-ridden interior, with some potato fields. Thank goodness you wrote to me before you packed the U-Haul. Dear Mr. Blue, I find myself in an impossible situation. I deeply, deeply love my life partner, would take a bullet for him, intend to grow old with him. But I mess around with other men pretty frequently. How can the love I have for him feel so genuine yet I have no problem sleeping with other men? I do not believe that my sexual straying in any way diminishes my love for him. He knows that I have fooled around in the past. He caught me in flagrante delicto, actually, and said he didn't want an open relationship, and I said I didn't think I could be in any other kind. Then he dropped the subject altogether, which left me with a loophole the size of a UPS truck. In my mind I have not violated any "agreement" because we have no agreement. Wild Side Dear Wild, You understand the relationship your way, which gives you wide latitude, but you know that he doesn't understand it that way, regardless of the lack of an explicit contract, and if he catches you again, the outcome may be different. So you are taking a big chance every time you stray, and if indeed he is important to you, consider what you risk. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 49, a widow of five years. I met a man nine months ago through an Internet personals ad who is very much the man of my dreams. We have the basis of a very solid friendship with the added spark of real attraction. He is, however, a very driven businessman, and while we have communicated online, we haven't seen each other since February. I desperately want to develop the relationship. I'm afraid my exuberance might be seen as pushiness, or that he may mistake my delight in his presence for wanting to move in on his life. We've hardly spent enough time together to know whether we have any long-term future, but that's never been one of my goals. I want to see him as soon as he can and as often as he can, but I don't want to scare him away. Over-Exuberant Dear Over, Anyone can be spooked by a friend who is more excited to see you than you are to see her. Anyone can be repelled by someone who is overexuberant and talks too much. These are common social problems that we all live in awareness of. But you can't put yourself under a wet blanket just because of what you imagine he might think of you. If you're going to be real friends, you have to let him see you as you are, not perform in some mysterious femme-fatale role. But be subtle. Don't talk about the future in any large way and don't talk about the "relationship." There isn't any, yet. Dear Mr. Blue, Have you ever written with a partner? I am currently writing a romance novel with a co-worker. She claims that she has sold a romance novel before (it was never published), so I teamed up with her to learn quickly how it is done. Also, because I like her a lot and wanted to spend time with her. At the beginning, it went well; we brainstormed a dynamite plot and great characters together. She wrote a couple of pages months ago, and since then I'm the only one working on it. I can't get her to focus on it at all. I'm afraid to change what she did without her input, but it needs revision before we send it to a publisher. I'm also getting angry that I have to do this without her support. The book wouldn't be as good as it is without her input thus far, but I'm getting frustrated that I'm doing all the writing. What do I do next? Resentful Dear Resentful, I wrote a book with my wife a few years ago and I must say it was painless, even fun at times, but our partnership was pretty clear: She was the architect, and I was the draftsman who draws in the plumbing and electricity. Your partnership with your friend is closer to the norm, I'm afraid -- these arrangements are tricky -- and it seems clear that this book is now your book to write. There is not a single thing you can do to get her to contribute if she doesn't want to, so don't try: no pleading, no browbeating, no recriminations, none whatsoever, they won't work. Just keep going. And keep showing her the work as it progresses, and invite her comments. Maybe she'll get inspired later on. But if you sell the book to a publisher, you'll need to put her in the contract as a co-writer, even if she contributed very little. Don't get angry. Take it as a learning experience, and finish the book. Dear Mr. Blue, Since falling completely in love with a poet, I've realized that I am not a writer. She has obsession and passion and genius and compulsion -- that obligation to write that has proved so elusive for me. I have a serviceable ability, a decent vocabulary and no drive. Though I mourn the loss of my identity as "writer," I am glad to be witness to a true writer in action. I am also glad to have ended my sham of Writing (with a capital "w"). I feel I will be freer to write letters and journal entries without striving for something "finished" or "publishable" since I obviously am not insane enough to achieve that. (I use the word "insane" with all love and admiration for those who are.) I'm only 23 and at this point I feel perfectly happy to be Alice to her Gertrude. However, I worry that I'm perhaps giving up on my potential in the face of her more established talent and falling into some outdated woman's role -- that I could end up resenting her. Though she has never suggested that what I write is not good. In fact, she has praised some of it. So this is not a matter of a wallflower being squelched by a psychopathic spotlight hog. I haven't told her that I no longer think of myself as a writer. What do you think? No Longer a Writer Dear No Longer, You're in love and so you're entertaining anxious questions that needn't trouble you too much. Let the future decide whether you're a writer or not and who resents who and what your potential is. At the moment, it seems to me you're doing a healthy thing. You're in love with a woman you deeply admire and moved to join your life to her cause, and this gives you pleasure and seems to relieve you of the pressure to be somebody you are not, a Writer; under cover of this romance, you can now be a writer. I don't think this is an "outdated woman's role"; I think it's what happens when partners complement each other. My wife, for example, is more charming than I and takes the lead on social occasions, and this leaves me free to be back in the kitchen cooking the pork chops, which is a mercy. Your friend is a big personality, and that takes the pressure off you. Good. Just don't let her write your Autobiography, Alice, and don't be too worshipful in general. No fawning. Start poking fun at her and see how far you can go. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm in love with someone who loves someone else. They have been in love for five years. I know he liked me before, but I don't know how he feels now. I can't make a "move" toward him as that would be cruel, but I can't seem to "get over" him either. Everyone new seems second best. It's as if I've conditioned myself these past years into thinking that there's no one else for me other than him. So I'm all messed up, but at least I'm happy enough to hope that things will get better. What do you think? Eleven Dear Eleven, It's a long path out of this particular forest, but it gets easier and you'll be better for having gone through it. In fact, you're better already. Your letter is calm and principled and you admit to having some happiness -- you may be messed up but you're not strung out on Demerol and gin and sitting around writing bad poems -- and as time goes by, this guy will fade. What lingers is a sort of ghostly aura of a memory. Train yourself to deal with involuntary thoughts. They can be made to go back in the box, to be taken out and looked at when you choose. Dear Mr. Blue, So many people tell me that I would be happier if I got a dog. I wouldn't. What can I say to stop this pointless nagging? Dogless in D.C. Dear Dogless, Tell them that as a child you lived with a vicious German shepherd who lunged and snarled at you and when your mother sent you out to play, you had to sit up in a tree until your dad got home and then your ex-girlfriend turned out to have a dog that did the same thing whenever you sought intimacy with her and you are in therapy for this and expect to be for another 20 years or so, and your therapist has told you not to get a dog. salon.com | Sept. 7, 1999