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My mother told me never to depend on a man to get what I want, to
get it myself, and so I have always made my own way in the world,
and I am fairly successful. My friends say I am the most
independent and resourceful person they know. The problem is that
I think I may be too independent. My recent ex-boyfriend said I
didn't act like I "needed him." Well, I don't. Nobody needs
anybody. But I am terribly lonely, and someday I want to get
married. But I can't seem to let myself depend on anybody. Is it
possible to learn how to be "intimate"? How do you make someone
feel needed? Please help. Too Independent Dear Too, Your mother gave you good advice, but of course it
doesn't cover all the contingencies and vicissitudes of life, and
so you need to augment this advice now and then. You may not have
needed your ex-boyfriend, but you need somebody and that somebody
needs you, and when you meet him you'll get one of life's great
experiences, one you shouldn't attempt solo, and that's romance.
Moonlight and long walks and kissing in the park and all the rest
of it. It's good you're resourceful and independent, and you can
hope he is too, but the sweetest part is when you lean on each
other. Dear Mr. Blue, A few years ago I was embroiled in an unhealthy affair with an
unstable guy that ended when I left town. Months later he called,
and though we had an amicable talk I sent him a letter
asking that he not call again. He didn't. But he continues to
haunt me. Even though he's a manipulative jerk, he had such
charisma and presence. Recently I learned he's living nearby. I
hate to say it, but part of me wants to see him again. How do I
put him to rest? In Need of an Exorcist Dear In Need, When you tell someone to get lost, don't then go
looking for him. It's manipulative and it's jerky. If you're
haunted by him, sit down and write a memoir about the whole
miserable affair, and it'll help cure the problem. Dear Mr. Blue, About a year ago I met this wonderful man, divorced with three
children, who seemed the perfect match for me, loving and
sensitive, patient, but recently he has been going through a
stressful time at work and has become
defensive and short-tempered. We took a vacation together for a
week, and except for one day, we fought the whole time. He
claims that I should "absorb" this behavior, but I don't want to
absorb it, I want to drop-kick him to the moon. We are planning to get married next summer, but I have my doubts
about this now. Thoughts? Angry Dear Angry, Take a break from this wonderful stressed-out man. If
you're living with him, find a reason to go stay with friends for
a while. Create some distance in the quietest and least
confrontational way you can, and go about your life, and let him
approach you and talk to you and explain himself when he is ready
to. Put the plans on ice. Don't marry anyone you have serious
doubts about. Marriage doesn't smooth these wrinkles out, it may
exacerbate them. Dear Mr. Blue, I recently moved back to Chicago after two years in New York City
because I was very depressed after the death of a person I
was very close to. While in New York, though, I met a very dear
man who made it clear he was romantically interested in me. I
wasn't ready for that, but since coming back to Chicago and
putting things into perspective, I've come to realize that I miss
this gentleman and would like to be in a relationship with him.
We talk regularly and he has mentioned the idea of flying out to
visit me. Should I tell him how I feel? Is it too late? Should I
even consider moving back to NYC to be with him? I am afraid
that I may have passed by true love. What to do? Anxious Dear Anxious, Tell him you'd love to see him if he wants to make
the trip. Avoid making any big declaration of your feelings.
Enjoy his company, get to know him a little. Don't move back to
New York for romance; do it only if it makes sense to you
personally and you have a job and a life of your own to move back
to. After a traumatic event, a big move, you need to walk
carefully in the garden of romance, lest you stroll into the
marsh. Play it lightly: no heavy breathing, no flock of herons
rising from the lake, no big cello solos, no lovers running in
slow motion toward each other through tall grass. Of course I
could be all wrong about this. But somehow I wish you could enjoy
the tender pleasures of romance and postpone the big stuff for
a while. Dear Mr. Blue, I recently responded to a personals ad via the Web for a handsome
(his ad was accompanied by a photo) district attorney, and we
chatted and he asked me to send a picture so he could "put a face
to the person"; I sent him three and haven't heard from him
since. This was three weeks ago. My head tells me that he is
busy, but my heart is in a bit of a spin, as things started out
so promising and now the silence and waiting are starting to make
me feel doubtful that things will ever get
off the ground. I should add that I am a reasonably attractive,
educated, petite, 42-year-old professional woman who has many
interests and abilities. Should I e-mail him a short note
encouraging him to write when he has a chance, or should I
patiently wait for a response from him? Not So Patient Dear Not So, "You seem a little giddy over this G-man, sister,"
Marlowe said, swinging his big brogans down from the desk.
"That's your business, not mine. But let me give you a word of
advice." He tapped a cigarette from the pack and noted that it
was his last. "You're a lot more than reasonably attractive, kid.
You're the kind of lady men are willing to get in big trouble
for." He lit the match on his cuff link and lit up and took a deep
drag. "But this D.A. is already in big trouble on his own. You
name it, he's in it up to his button-down collar." The private eye
walked over to the window and looked out at the evening traffic
on Sepulveda. A couple of zoot suits stood swinging their long
chains and the clients went in and out of the candy store. The
beat cop paced the curb twirling his nightstick. Marlowe saw the
girl's reflection in the window. What a sweet kid. How could she
fall for a schnook like that? A D.A. is never going to proclaim
his love for you. He's going to sit tight and wait for you to
crack. "Don't do it, sister," Marlowe said softly. He turned. She
gave him a look you could have poured over your pancakes. "How
about we continue this over a drink?" she said. "Sure," he said.
"Why not?" He knew why not, but what the hell. It was Tuesday. He
didn't have anything on the calendar until Friday.
Dear Mr. Blue, My husband and I live in the countryside of North Carolina and
have done everything we can to stimulate our daughter with art,
dance, music, books, but the people who live in this area could
give a rat's ass about anything intellectual or artistic, so we
are planning a move (I am forcing it) to the coast of Maine in
the next year or so. We are deeply rooted here, as far as
work, house, etc., but I have this voice inside me that
says we MUST move there. The schools here are rated 48th in the
nation, and Maine is voted the No. 1 place to raise
children by the Children's Rights Council year after year. Do
you think moving from one place to another solves things? Stay
and make the best of it, or uproot?
Confused Dear Confused, That's the Camden Redevelopment Commission that
rated Maine No. 1, not the Children's Rights Council. Anyone
whose head is screwed on straight and isn't on the take knows
that Minnesota is the place to raise a child. Minnesota was
settled in the mid-19th century by people fleeing Maine who
brought with them whatever culture Maine had, and it has thrived
and burgeoned here on the sunny plains. Art, dance, music,
books -- we've got all that and also an exciting cartoon-strip
governor. What Maine has is a strip of culture along its
coastline about two or three miles wide, and then a vast swampy
mosquito-infested moose-ridden interior, with some potato fields.
Thank goodness you wrote to me before you packed the U-Haul.
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