To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > Books August 24, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/books/col/keil/1999/08/24/alaska If he really loved you ... My friends tell me I shouldn't let my boyfriend go to Alaska without me. Am I being naive by trusting him? - - - - - - - - - - - - By Garrison Keillor August 24, 1999 Dear Mr. Blue, I have been seeing a wonderful man for the past six months. He makes me feel like the sexiest woman on earth, he makes me laugh, he cooks, he writes me poems -- I'm happy with him in more ways than I can count. His vacation is coming up, and he plans to spend it visiting Alaska. He said he had considered asking me to join him, but this was something he really wanted to do on his own. I said that I understood, and thought it would be a good experience for him. However, my friends insist that if he truly loved me, he'd want me with him. They say my response was "naive" and that neither of us is behaving like people in "a real relationship." Are they right? I always thought my friends were pretty levelheaded. Clueless Dear Clueless, Your friends aren't levelheaded, they're flat-headed; they are giving you the gift of pure unadulterated bullshit and you should ignore it. You are not being naive. You're trusting the man you love and you're happily allowing him his individuality. If you were to tell him, "I think that if you really loved me, you'd take me to Alaska," you'd be giving a weird manipulative twist to what sounds like a perfectly wonderful romance. Tell me: This is the advice of women friends, right? I can't believe a guy would hand you such nonsense. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 35, married, have two kids, and since 1987 I've been stuck in a Ph.D. program. I know my work is good: I've had chapters published in two scholarly volumes, and I've given well-received papers at two international conferences. But the university won't give me my Ph.D. I came here as a fresh-faced 22-year-old feminist and married and had children, and now I think my committee sees me as a yuppie-wife dilettante. The committee (which keeps changing members) has demanded and gotten three versions of my dissertation. I presented my defense last January for the full two hours and they sent me away to do another year's work, making no guarantees that it would pass on the next go. Now they're demanding that I resubmit the entire manuscript in three different typefaces so they can clearly see where the changes are. I'm losing my mind trying to do this insanely complicated thing. All the academic folks I've talked to tell me that this is a clear case of supervisory neglect, but as a student peon my retaliatory options are limited in direct proportion to my desire to get the degree. If the committee screws me around on this go, I'm considering suing them and exacting literary revenge in the preface of my first book. Any thoughts? Way Beyond Beleaguered Dear Way Beyond, I believe you. I recommend you try to do what they ask one more time, and if the thesis isn't accepted, then sue the bastards. Make sure you have complete written documentation of this madness. I suppose it is possible that you aren't competent and they're trying to get you to give up, but if you aren't competent, they should've seen this years ago and intercepted you. The fact that you have published and given papers seems to indicate you are indeed competent. Sorry you've gotten caught in this meat grinder. When the time for revenge comes, hit 'em hard and hit 'em low. Dear Mr. Blue, What a pickle. After a failed and childless marriage to a charming man who was far more interested in his career than he was in me, at the age of 45, I have fallen head over heels in love with a wonderful man. He's a keeper. Here's the problem. He has a neurotic ex-wife who happens to be meaner and nastier than a bag full of wet cats. She's a nut and she has custody of their 12-year-old daughter. The kid is a nightmare, a compulsive liar, on Prozac, getting professional counseling. My guy wants to get into a custody battle with his ex and get the kid out of her clutches. Guess who would be called upon to help raise the kid? Me, the wicked stepmother. What to do, what to do? I love this guy more than life itself, but I'm scared to death at the prospect of having this wild child dropped in my lap. Any thoughts on this, Mr. Blue? Peri-menopause Panic Dear Peri, You are right to feel panic. Any reasonable person would. But he's a wonderful man, and so of course he's taking responsibility for this damaged child, and if you are with him, you will be his partner in the rescue. And it will be an ordeal. The child needs attention, love and someone to set clear limits. No easy task. It's your decision. If you feel you really can't do it, walk away from them both and save everyone the heartache. And if you decide to stay with him, then understand that this is going to be an all-consuming job for you for a while. You can make it clear that you are his assistant and partner, you are not the heroic Mama in this play, but nonetheless it'll take a lot of your time. And if you get custody, make sure you have the continual long-term guidance of a psychologist specializing in childhood and adolescence and with whom you and your guy share basic values. Dear Mr. Blue, Several months ago an old acquaintance got back in touch. We'd never been that close before, but this time it was like magic. We talked for hours, felt wonderful and went out on dates for some weeks, acknowledging the attraction but not acting on it, because he'd just broken up with a girlfriend and didn't want to get involved again so soon. Then all of a sudden he stepped back, said he wasn't ready to go steady. He still sends me lovely little notes from time to time, full of news and compliments, but I want to see him, I miss our conversations badly. It's been three months. Is there anything I can do that will let him know this without scaring him off for good? Carrying a Torch Dear Torch-Bearer, If he sends you lovely notes, this is a big deal -- guys don't write notes for exercise. For most guys, note writing is more indicative of romantic feeling than actual sex would be. So write him back. Find a card with a bleak and beautiful landscape on it and write, "I think of you often and remember the great conversations we had and the delight of your company." Words to that effect. Put in some news about you, your neighbors, your old grandmother, your thoughts about Y2K or whatever. And so forth and so on. Sexual attraction can knock a guy for a loop, and he may be staying away from you in order to put a damper on the temptation he feels and to get his head screwed on straight. Chances are, if he was attracted once, he'll come back. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 47 and am hoping to hang around a lot longer, but I eat, smoke and do much too little physical exercise. Sure I could diet, stop smoking and get off my ass once in a while, but I really like my Marlboro Light Menthols, burgers and playing with my computer. But I gotta do something. My clothes don't fit, I'm worried about getting cancer and I can't climb stairs. If I stop smoking I'll gain weight; diet, I'll be bored; exercise, sweaty. Where should I start? Help. Habit Creature Dear Habit Creature, Sounds like you're halfway down the slide and looking for a parent to stop you before you go flying off the end and out into the great hereafter. If I were your parent, I'd give you some unwelcome advice, but I'm not. An internist can give you advice and also some hard data on lipids and pulmonary function, if you want. Meanwhile, you ought to buy some new clothes. There are big savings to be had at the end of summer and you can shop online, saving the physical exertion of a trip to the store. And get yourself a larger chair, one with wheels. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm engaged to a beautiful, intelligent woman whom I love, but she's an aspiring opera singer, and though I'm supportive of her career, I'm not interested in opera myself. I fell asleep at the one opera we went to, and I get bored with it when she plays it around the house. She seems to view my boredom with opera as a character flaw. But it doesn't interest me, just as the movies with explosions that I love don't interest her. Anything I can say to let her know that my lack of interest is not personal? All Ariaed Out Dear AAO, Opera is, for your fiancée, more than idle recreation, it's her life, so the movie analogy fails. You can't be married to this woman and be bored with opera. Well, you can, but the prognosis isn't good. You ought to go to a few more operas and relax and let yourself get caught up. Go see top-flight productions of some of the great classics, "Boheme," "Carmen," "Madame Butterfly"; do this on your own, without her along. Fly off to Santa Fe or Houston or Seattle or Chicago or New York. Maybe you'll never become an opera nut and stand around in the lobby during intermission comparing this performance to the one Furtwangler conducted at Bayreuth in 1932, but you need to gain respect for what she does. You can't be bored with it. Really. It's not nice. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 35-year-old nearing completion of the long road to Ph.D.-dom. I have been happily married to my high school sweetheart for the past 10 years. She has worked her ass off to keep us afloat while I got the doctorate, and meanwhile she has developed a wonderful career; now I have an excellent opportunity to do post-doctoral work 1,400 miles away. She doesn't want to go with me and leave behind all she has worked for. We love each other and want our marriage to work, but I can't help feeling like a shit for asking her to just pick up and leave, but I can't see us living apart. Befuddled in Boca Dear Befuddled Bocan, You're right; you can't ask your wife to give up her career for yours at this point. So consider pursuing yours by a different route than the one you'd imagined. A harmonious marriage to a good woman is not to be cast aside. Of course, some marriages have endured separations of 1,400 miles or more, and yours could be one of them; but that's a decision to make gingerly, and it has to be mutual. Talk to your advisor and others in your field and see what other possibilities there might be. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm working on the first draft of my first book, and when I head toward the computer in the happy throes of creativity, my husband mutters, "There she goes into the Void. Will I see you before dawn?" The joke about naming the computer as a co-respondent is wearing thin. I write on the weekends, spending the rest of the week (when not at work) with him, and he occasionally asks me not to write for a while. But when the "vacation" is over and I go back to writing, he's annoyed. I guess he's trying to break me of the habit. We've been married for 15 years; I'd think he'd know better by now. Any advice? Mad About Writing Dear Mad, You shouldn't have to negotiate this week by week. Get to the heart of the problem. He's jealous. Writing takes you out of his orbit and into a place he can't go; therefore it's a void to him. Do you show him what you've written? If you don't, it might help ameliorate his feeling of rejection to become your first reader. But no writer should have to ask permission to go to the computer or run the gantlet to get there. And if he's only being sarcastic, tell him to stop. Dear Mr. Blue, Please reprimand me if I'm being terribly selfish and foolish. At the age of 30 I've been married seven years. My husband is a wonderful, deep, affectionate and kind man, and a great dad. We have a son, 4. The problem is I have never been happy as a wife, locked in coupledom. I don't believe I ever would be. I want to be released from this contract and have a more relaxed relationship -- to be parents but not partners. My husband seems to understand this; he loves me hard, but he doesn't want to keep me if I don't love him hard in return. But I don't want to make a stupid mistake. Can I put away this restless yearning to be free, or should I undo the tie and release us both to live our respective lives? Inamorata Dear Inam, It's not only your problem, it's your wonderful husband's problem too, and why not work with him to find a way to adapt to each other so you don't feel so possessed by the marriage? It can be exhausting to be in a partnership, especially with someone as perfect as this wonderful and kind man. Goodness can be oppressive, and marriage to a saint can be torture. But marriage doesn't have to come in one size, one color; it can be made to fit someone like yourself who might benefit from a lot of privacy and the freedom to come and go. Don't make a dramatic move until you've honestly tried to make some little adjustments. Your boy will grow up to be a happier, healthier adult if he has parents who were able to work out their problems. Good luck. Dear Mr. Blue, I've met the most wonderful woman. She's smart, witty, erudite, earthy and amazingly artistic, and one of the most beautiful women I've ever laid eyes on. We share a multitude of common interests. We talk for hours on end, we finish each other's sentences. My urge is to drop everything and run to her side, but she's in Northern California and I'm in Atlanta. Can this really be true love? Jazz Dear Jazz, Yes, it can be, so you'll probably want to talk with her soon about finding someplace on earth where you two can live. Atlanta suffers from withering summer heat and Northern California suffers from a lot of things -- I could list them if you're interested. Probably you'll want to settle in Minnesota, perhaps on a tree farm or a free-range chicken ranch. Minnesota is a perfect location for romance, due to the long winter when we are often snowbound for weeks at a time, cut off from social life and newspaper delivery. A couple such as you and Miss Erudite could only thrive under these conditions. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm in love with a wonderful, beautiful woman. She's everything I could possibly want -- funny, smart, independent. But since we first started dating a couple of years ago, she's gained more than a few pounds, and for some reason it just turns me off (she was slender when I met her). She always claims to be on a diet, but she gets heavier and heavier. I'm slender and work hard to keep up my appearance. I can't get over this one flaw of hers. Is it possible to communicate my feelings without hurting her? Jack Sprat Dear Jack, No, it's not possible to communicate these feelings without wounding her. Her sense of inadequacy and guilt over this is strong enough without your adding to it. You could offer subtly and gently to join her in an exercise or diet program. You could inquire as to whether she's suffering from depression. Perhaps hypothyroidism is a factor: Has she seen a doctor? But telling her how you feel cannot help. Listening to her tell how she feels might help. But even if she slims down now, she's likely going to regain much of the weight. So if corpulence kills off concupiscence for you, consider ending this relationship now. Dear Mr. Blue, Are there any established rules for getting to know someone who is in the process of breaking up with a live-in mate? Is it always best to lay low until it blows over? Reason tells me so, but it's very difficult for me, because she and I just met. It was a few weeks ago at a music festival. She was trying to break free of an old boyfriend, and we quickly found that our conversations crackled with exceptional color and rhythm. She said she wasn't yet sure what to do about him. It seemed as if she was asking me for advice. What to do? Waiting Dear Waiting, You had a nice romantic interlude with her, and that's fine, and now you need to shut down your engines. If you help her break away from this old boyfriend, you can then become the next old boyfriend she will need to break away from. Don't facilitate this; don't let her be emotionally dependent; you'll regret it. Be an understanding friend, but let her make the decisions she needs to make. And let the hormonal electricity between you settle a little bit so you can get a better reading of her character and personality. And then you'll have a clearer idea of where this relationship should head. Dear Mr. Blue, I am in a quandary over two men. One is my ex-boyfriend, to whom I am still inexplicably drawn despite the fact that we made each other miserable for five years. The other is a wonderful man I've recently started dating, who treats me as well as anyone could. But ex-boyfriend was an artist, and was culturally more sophisticated and stimulating to be around. My new man is intelligent, funny, outgoing, honest and hard-working, and I think I'm falling in love with him, but I miss what I had with my ex -- the foreign films, the art shows, the concerts. The other day when my new man took me out to eat at a sports bar, I became quite sullen and thought, Well, I was mistaken: This isn't the man for me. What do I do? Could my mate's tastes be more important to me than how I am treated? My practical side tells me that giving up this new man would be a mistake. Culture Vulture Dear Vulture, Surely it isn't eating in a sports bar that revolts you, unless you are an utter princess, in which case you need to find a prince who can take you to the Four Seasons every night. Surely it's the new man himself who takes some getting used to and it's the fact that you've suffered a slight drop in social status, going from an artist to a sportsman, from Marcel Proust to Bucky Dent. You and Buck can grow toward each other and have a nice life, but he's going to want to marry you, darling, and it's not fair for you to say yes if you have Marcel on your mind. There are thousands of women who've been married to sophisticated men who made them miserable, and they are leaning forward and yelling at you right now to wise up, but you're the only one who can do it. Dear Mr. Blue, Three and a half years ago, my ex-husband and I signed a separation agreement. According to its terms, he was supposed to pay me several thousand dollars over a two-year period of time. Well, the two years have long since passed, and I haven't seen a dime of the money he owes me. I've tried working out payment plans with him, even mailed him bills, but nothing seems to work. My friends tell me to forget about it; because we now live in different states, it would be difficult to sue him in small claims court. I know he could afford to pay me since he has a great job and I've heard from mutual friends about all the expensive toys he's bought since we split up. Should I Give Up? Dear Should, Look around for a women's resource center and see if someone there can give you some smart legal advice. You're certainly entitled to the money, and I would imagine that if Mr. Ex is flush, a little jiggle might be enough to loosen the apples from the tree. You don't want to hire the firm of Pinstripes, Wingtips & Cravat for a job like this, though: You want a pockmarked guy with a bad toupee in a polyester suit with pizza stains on the shoulders to knock on the Ex's door and breathe on him. A repo man. A rat catcher. Dear Mr. Blue, I'd always dreamed of being a writer but was afraid I didn't have the chops. Then I had a splashy little success that took me by surprise. Got an agent, had lots of interest from important people, wrote, lived off my savings -- you know the drill. In the three years since then I've worked my behind off in hopes of having another big success -- and keep coming within a hair's breadth of it. Recently, though, I've turned a corner and my confidence has bottomed out. I'm tired, have no money and am embarrassed to be living this bohemian-artist lifestyle at 37. I feel I've lost my bearings, and I'm sick of having the carrot of success and fame dangled before me. Can you make any sense of this mess? Late Bloomer Dear Late, Discouragement is endemic in our business. It really is. I can't offer you specific encouragement without knowing more about the "splashy little success" and what you mean by "a hair's breadth" -- I can only say that, in this business, three years is not a long time to struggle with a longer work, and loss of confidence is something all of us deal with regularly. But for you, or me, or anyone, the surest cure for despair lies in the work itself, going back to it after a rest, revising, reworking, cutting out the underbrush, letting the best stuff burgeon. If one's work is any good, even in its rough form it has the power to restore the author's spirits. You've been distracted from your work by the chimera of success, an utterly natural thing but nonetheless destructive. We writers live to write, we do not live to have written and be admired: The satisfaction is in today's work itself, not in the anticipation of an outcome. You're 37 and I agree that a person shouldn't struggle forever. But you need to see your work without illusions of fame and wealth in order to know whether this bohemian-artist life is worth the trouble. Dear Mr. Blue, I broke up with my girlfriend a while ago and cannot stop thinking about her. She has moved on to greener pastures but still calls sometimes. I want to open my life to her just as before, but it hurts knowing we are "just friends." What would you suggest? Uncertainty Dear Un, The heart works slowly. You can keep her as a friend and exacerbate the pain and continue bleeding and spend years brooding over her. Or you can gently relinquish the friendship, ship out on a whaling boat, join the Peace Corps, hike across Finland, volunteer for the Quayle campaign, do whatever you need to do to forget her and find the world beyond her. Your call. salon.com | August 24, 1999