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If he really loved you ... | page 1, 2, 3
I'm engaged to a beautiful, intelligent woman whom I love, but
she's an aspiring opera singer, and though I'm supportive of her
career, I'm not interested in opera myself. I fell asleep at the one
opera we went to, and I get bored with it when she plays it around the
house. She seems to view my boredom with opera as a character flaw.
But it doesn't interest me, just as the movies with explosions that I
love don't interest her. Anything I can say to let her know that my
lack of interest is not personal? All Ariaed Out Dear AAO, Opera is, for your fiancée, more than idle recreation, it's
her life, so the movie analogy fails. You can't be married to this
woman and be bored with opera. Well, you can, but the prognosis isn't
good. You ought to go to a few more operas and relax and let yourself
get caught up. Go see top-flight productions of some of the great
classics, "Boheme," "Carmen," "Madame Butterfly"; do this on your own,
without her along. Fly off to Santa Fe or Houston or Seattle or
Chicago or New York. Maybe you'll never become an opera nut and stand
around in the lobby during intermission comparing this performance to
the one Furtwangler conducted at Bayreuth in 1932, but you need to
gain respect for what she does. You can't be bored with it. Really.
It's not nice. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 35-year-old nearing completion of the long road to Ph.D.-dom. I
have been happily married to my high school sweetheart for the past
10 years. She has worked her ass off to keep us afloat while I got
the doctorate, and meanwhile she has developed a wonderful career; now I
have an excellent opportunity to do post-doctoral work 1,400 miles
away. She doesn't want to go with me and leave behind all she has
worked for. We love each other and want our marriage to work, but I
can't help feeling like a shit for asking her to just pick up and
leave, but I can't see us living apart. Befuddled in Boca Dear Befuddled Bocan, You're right; you can't ask your wife to give up her career for yours
at this point. So consider pursuing yours by a different route than
the one you'd imagined. A harmonious marriage to a good woman is not
to be cast aside. Of course, some marriages have endured separations
of 1,400 miles or more, and yours could be one of them; but that's a
decision to make gingerly, and it has to be mutual. Talk to your
advisor and others in your field and see what other possibilities
there might be. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm working on the first draft of my first book, and when I head
toward the computer in the happy throes of creativity, my husband
mutters, "There she goes into the Void. Will I see you before dawn?"
The joke about naming the computer as a co-respondent is wearing thin.
I write on the weekends, spending the rest of the week (when not at
work) with him, and he occasionally asks me not to write for a while.
But when the "vacation" is over and I go back to writing, he's
annoyed. I guess he's trying to break me of the habit. We've been
married for 15 years; I'd think he'd know better by now. Any
advice? Mad About Writing Dear Mad, You shouldn't have to negotiate this week by week. Get to
the heart of the problem. He's jealous. Writing takes you out of his
orbit and into a place he can't go; therefore it's a void to him. Do
you show him what you've written? If you don't, it might help
ameliorate his feeling of rejection to become your first reader. But
no writer should have to ask permission to go to the computer or run
the gantlet to get there. And if he's only being sarcastic, tell him
to stop. Dear Mr. Blue, Please reprimand me if I'm being terribly selfish and foolish.
At the age of 30 I've been married seven years. My husband is a
wonderful, deep, affectionate and kind man, and a great dad. We have
a son, 4. The problem is I have never been happy as a wife, locked in coupledom.
I don't believe I ever would be. I want to be released from this
contract and have a more relaxed relationship -- to be parents but
not partners. My husband seems to understand this; he loves me hard,
but he doesn't want to keep me if I don't love him hard in return. But
I don't want to make a stupid mistake. Can I put away this restless
yearning to be free, or should I undo the tie and release us both to
live our respective lives? Inamorata Dear Inam, It's not only your problem, it's your wonderful husband's problem too,
and why not work with him to find a way to adapt to each other so you
don't feel so possessed by the marriage? It can be exhausting to be in
a partnership, especially with someone as perfect as this wonderful
and kind man. Goodness can be oppressive, and marriage to a saint can
be torture. But marriage doesn't have to come in one size, one color;
it can be made to fit someone like yourself who might benefit from a
lot of privacy and the freedom to come and go. Don't make a dramatic
move until you've honestly tried to make some little adjustments. Your
boy will grow up to be a happier, healthier adult if he has parents
who were able to work out their problems. Good luck. Dear Mr. Blue, I've met the most wonderful woman. She's smart, witty, erudite,
earthy and amazingly artistic, and one of the most beautiful women
I've ever laid eyes on. We share a multitude of common interests.
We talk for hours on end, we finish each other's sentences. My urge is
to drop everything and run to her side, but she's in Northern
California and I'm in Atlanta. Can this really be true love? Jazz Dear Jazz, Yes, it can be, so you'll probably want to talk with her soon about
finding someplace on earth where you two can live. Atlanta suffers
from withering summer heat and Northern California suffers from a lot
of things -- I could list them if you're interested. Probably you'll
want to settle in Minnesota, perhaps on a tree farm or a free-range
chicken ranch. Minnesota is a perfect location for romance, due to the
long winter when we are often snowbound for weeks at a time, cut off
from social life and newspaper delivery. A couple such as you and Miss
Erudite could only thrive under these conditions.
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