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DEAR MR. BLUE: ADVICE FOR LOVERS AND WRITERS
If he really loved you ...
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August 24, 1999 Dear Mr. Blue, I have been seeing a wonderful man for the past six months. He makes
me feel like the sexiest woman on earth, he makes me laugh, he cooks,
he writes me poems -- I'm happy with him in more ways than I can count.
His vacation is coming up, and he plans to spend it visiting Alaska.
He said he had considered asking me to join him, but this was
something he really wanted to do on his own. I said that I understood,
and thought it would be a good experience for him. However, my
friends insist that if he truly loved me, he'd want me
with him. They say my response was "naive" and that neither of us is
behaving like people in "a real relationship." Are they right? I
always thought my friends were pretty levelheaded. Clueless Dear Clueless, Your friends aren't levelheaded, they're flat-headed;
they are giving you the gift of pure unadulterated bullshit and you
should ignore it. You are not being naive. You're trusting the man you
love and you're happily allowing him his individuality. If you were to
tell him, "I think that if you really loved me, you'd take me to
Alaska," you'd be giving a weird manipulative twist to what sounds
like a perfectly wonderful romance. Tell me: This is the advice of
women friends, right? I can't believe a guy would hand you such
nonsense. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 35, married, have two kids, and since 1987 I've been stuck in a
Ph.D. program. I know my work is good: I've had chapters published in
two scholarly volumes, and I've given well-received papers at two
international conferences. But the university won't give me my Ph.D. I came
here as a fresh-faced 22-year-old feminist and married and had
children, and now I think my committee sees me as a yuppie-wife
dilettante. The committee (which keeps changing members) has demanded
and gotten three versions of my dissertation. I presented my defense
last January for the full two hours and they sent me away to do
another year's work, making no guarantees that it would pass on the
next go. Now they're demanding that I resubmit the entire manuscript
in three different typefaces so they can clearly see where the changes
are. I'm losing my mind trying to do this insanely complicated thing.
All the academic folks I've talked to tell me that this is a clear
case of supervisory neglect, but as a student peon my retaliatory
options are limited in direct proportion to my desire to get the
degree. If the committee screws me around on this go, I'm considering
suing them and exacting literary revenge in the preface
of my first book. Any thoughts? Way Beyond Beleaguered Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Way Beyond, I believe you. I recommend you try to do what they
ask one more time, and if the thesis isn't accepted, then sue the
bastards. Make sure you have complete written documentation of this
madness. I suppose it is possible that you aren't competent and
they're trying to get you to give up, but if you aren't competent,
they should've seen this years ago and intercepted you. The fact that you
have published and given papers seems to indicate you are indeed
competent. Sorry you've gotten caught in this meat grinder. When the
time for revenge comes, hit 'em hard and hit 'em low. Dear Mr. Blue, What a pickle. After a failed and childless marriage to a charming
man who was far more interested in his career than he was in me, at the age
of 45, I have fallen head over heels in love with a wonderful man.
He's a keeper. Here's the problem. He has a neurotic ex-wife who happens to be
meaner and nastier than a bag full of wet cats. She's a nut and she
has custody of their 12-year-old daughter. The kid is a
nightmare, a compulsive liar, on Prozac, getting professional
counseling. My guy wants to get into a custody battle with his ex and get the kid
out of her clutches. Guess who would be called upon to help raise the
kid? Me, the wicked stepmother. What to do, what to do? I love this
guy more than life itself, but I'm scared to death at the prospect of
having this wild child dropped in my lap. Any thoughts on this, Mr.
Blue? Peri-menopause Panic Dear Peri, You are right to feel panic. Any reasonable person would. But he's a
wonderful man, and so of course he's taking responsibility for this
damaged child, and if you are with him, you will be his partner in the
rescue. And it will be an ordeal. The child needs attention, love and
someone to set clear limits. No easy task. It's your decision. If you feel you really can't do it, walk away from
them both and save everyone the heartache. And if you decide to stay
with him, then understand that this is going to be an all-consuming
job for you for a while. You can make it clear that you are his
assistant and partner, you are not the heroic Mama in this play, but
nonetheless it'll take a lot of your time. And if you get
custody, make sure you have the continual long-term guidance of a
psychologist specializing in childhood and adolescence and with whom
you and your guy share basic values. Dear Mr. Blue, Several months ago an old acquaintance got back in touch. We'd never
been that close before, but this time it was like magic. We talked for
hours, felt wonderful and went out on dates for some weeks,
acknowledging the attraction but not acting on it, because he'd just
broken up with a girlfriend and didn't want to get involved again so
soon. Then all of a sudden he stepped back, said he wasn't ready to go
steady. He still sends me lovely little notes from time to time, full
of news and compliments, but I want to see him, I miss our
conversations badly. It's been three months. Is there anything I can
do that will let him know this without scaring him off for good? Carrying a Torch Dear Torch-Bearer, If he sends you lovely notes, this is a big deal -- guys don't write
notes for exercise. For most guys, note writing is more indicative of
romantic feeling than actual sex would be. So write him back. Find a
card with a bleak and beautiful landscape on it and write, "I think of
you often and remember the great conversations we had and the delight
of your company." Words to that effect. Put in some news about you,
your neighbors, your old grandmother, your thoughts about Y2K or
whatever. And so forth and so on. Sexual attraction can knock a guy for a loop, and he may be staying
away from you in order to put a damper on the temptation he feels and
to get his head screwed on straight. Chances are, if he was attracted
once, he'll come back. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 47 and am hoping to hang around a lot longer, but I eat, smoke and
do much too little physical exercise. Sure I could diet, stop
smoking and get off my ass once in a while, but I really like my
Marlboro Light Menthols, burgers and playing with my computer. But I
gotta do something. My clothes don't fit, I'm worried about getting
cancer and I can't climb stairs. If I stop smoking I'll gain weight;
diet, I'll be bored; exercise, sweaty. Where should I start? Help.
Habit Creature Dear Habit Creature, Sounds like you're halfway down the slide and looking for a parent to
stop you before you go flying off the end and out into the great
hereafter. If I were your parent, I'd give you some unwelcome advice,
but I'm not. An internist can give you advice and also some hard data
on lipids and pulmonary function, if you want. Meanwhile, you ought to
buy some new clothes. There are big savings to be had at the end of
summer and you can shop online, saving the physical exertion of a trip
to the store. And get yourself a larger chair, one with wheels.
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