To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > Books August 17, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/books/col/keil/1999/08/17/secrets Secrets and lies I have a past life that would raise the hair on your neck. Do I have to tell my boyfriend? - - - - - - - - - - - - By Garrison Keillor Some readers protested my advice to Lonely Wife, whose wonderful husband is spending three and four hours a day and a couple hundred dollars a month looking at pornography on the Web. Some readers suggested he go for therapy. One wrote: "You treat pornography like a fun game when it can actually be very dangerous. I spent five years in a dead marriage trying to figure out what was wrong. It was abusive use of porn. It makes a woman feel pretty miserable when she is rejected in favor of images." I stand by my advice, that the woman express friendly interest in seeing what her husband is looking at. That she try to talk with him about why these images interest him. First of all, a stern, forbidding presence is likely only to intensify his pleasure; and second, nothing could sap the intensity of the fantasy quite like the friendly presence of one's spouse. Porn is all about unreality. I agree that it can be harmful, if obsessive, as this man's habit seemed to be. I also think he is paying too much. -- Mr. Blue Dear Mr. Blue, I have been with my boyfriend, an architect, for a year. He wants to get married, and so do I. But I have a secret, a past life that would raise the hair on your neck. When I think of it, I can't believe it was me. Alas, no respectable person would ever consider forgiving this lack of good judgment. What should I do? Tell all and risk losing the one I love or forge ahead hoping that he never finds out? Sure, honesty is the best policy, but some things have a social stigma that can't be explained away. Squirming in NYC Dear Squirming, Your boyfriend loves you as the person you are now; he doesn't need to know everything about your past. He really doesn't. St. Paul (who was no squishy liberal) said, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead ..." Leave the old days behind; you're not the same person. OK, so you once danced naked on barroom tables and invited lascivious software salesmen to put dollar bills into your garter belt -- or, worse, you spent a few terms in Congress -- it's over and done. If he ever finds out about it, let him take up the task of forgiving you. But you forgive yourself and put this secret behind you. Dear Mr. Blue, She looks like she's stepped out of a John Singer Sargent painting, and she's generous, unpretentious and loving (in a Christian way), but she's said twice that she doesn't want me. Since then, I've tried everything -- searching for God, buying a Corvette and revving through the countryside, brushing up on my Spanish, moving to a part of town full of nubile young artists -- but when I see her at work and talk with her, I can't stop thinking about her. Any suggestions? Smitten Dear Smitten, The lady has spoken. Sometimes a woman will change her mind, but this is not up to you, and you should not make a heroic effort. If I may be blunt here, I wonder if you're not simply wanting to, as we say, get into her pants. Perhaps she senses this. Perhaps she is trying to point you in the direction of friendship. Perhaps you should take this cue. It's tough when we can't get what we want, but sometimes this sends us on a circuitous route that winds up at something better that we would have wanted if we only had known it was there. Dear Mr. Blue, I was a freelance writer for years and now have a great new job at a magazine as a senior editor. I get along well with most of my co-workers except two who worry me. One is a very aggressive woman who, when I joined the staff, asked me out a lot and liked to gossip, and who I sense is not to be trusted. The other is a woman who is absolutely insane, who walks around telling people that the reason she doesn't hand in her work on time is because she has an "AIDS-like condition." How do I deal with these co-workers? Trying to Rise Above It All Dear Trying, It's a volatile business, and when a magazine starts to lose its grip, regimes topple, the tumbrels fill up with senior editors, blood flows in the hallways. Consequently, magazine people tend to give each other plenty of slack, knowing that Life May Be Short. At the places I know about, you could walk around in your underwear humming the Ride of the Valkyries so long as your work is good. And a certain slacker element is accepted. I mean, you're not building the City of God on earth, you're only putting out a rag to amuse people waiting to get root canals or rectal examinations. Be polite without fail, don't gossip with the gossips, avoid romance with colleagues and do your work. And plan for when the revolution comes. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a single mom with five children. The youngest is 8, the oldest 22. How do I get back to any kind of relationship? I battle daily with financial survival and bouts of depression. The depression has led to excessive eating and weight gain. I feel old before my time. I suspect that not many guys want a broke, overweight, middle-aged mom of five. Not a very attractive personals ad. I was married for 20-plus years. The end of the marriage wasn't my choice, but that was a few years ago. I'm not sure if there's time or enough life left in me to try again. Lonely Dear Lonely, You're smart and courageous and funny and with those five kids, you'll always have enough inspiration and lunacy in your life. I bet on you to come through the depression and find a way to get the eating under control. (As for the financial problems, I hope Dad is doing his part.) You're right, a personals ad that read, "Impoverished Heavy Gal with five kiddoes seeks Handsome Prince to make everything right" would not be a winner. But you are not defined by your deficits any more than I am. Tackle the problems one at a time: finances, depression, health and well-being, in any order you choose. Before you try to be attractive to someone else, win your own self-respect. Sit down and list some steps to improve matters: This is to ward off desperation. Every day, do something to improve your life. Make yourself take a walk every day. Get in touch with the current job market, if you're out of touch. Give yourself a little time every day to lie down in a room by yourself and simply think. Remember that you have these five kids watching and learning from you, and when you take charge of your own life, you're also teaching your kids that ordinary heroism is possible. Dear Mr. Blue, I have been in a relationship for the past three years with a man I love very much. We live together and have a great relationship except that he says he is not ready to be monogamous. This was a hypothetical problem until recently when he admitted that on an international trip he took a few months back, he slept with a woman, a close friend, and now I am at a loss as to how to deal with the situation. I am upset that at first he lied to me about his behavior. Can you clarify it for me? Confused Dear Confused, He's not ready to be monogamous, as he told you, and now you know he meant what he said. Don't throw away three years for one violation, but do clear things up with him. For one thing, he has no right to expose you to sexually transmitted disease. For another, you need to believe in yourself as a woman who is worth a man's full attention and passion and not a sideline, a hobby. It's painful to get this sorted out, but do it expeditiously, no shilly-shallying. Be explicit. You want monogamy. If he doesn't, then get his suitcase out of the closet and lay it open across the bed. Dear Mr. Blue, I am almost 27 years old and live in Tokyo, having left a promising computer job and gone abroad to escape the loathsome doldrums of daily cubicle life. I'm doing quite well here flittering around with Asian lovelies, but my friends stateside are getting rich off the Internet boom, and I'm wondering whether to return to the States and hop onto their track, or stay here at a pretty good job and live the expat life. At what age must I halt this foolishness? Adam Dear Adam, Do you envy their wealth? Probably your friends envy your expat life and don't dare admit it. They wonder what it'd be like to live outside the U.S., and they'll never know. They're too old now to try. And their bubble of prosperity is getting bigger and bigger and they're worried that it may burst and cast them back into the loathsome doldrums. Meanwhile you're actually living life to the fullest, which is the beauty part of the expat life: It really keeps you awake to be outside the culture. You needn't halt this foolishness until you reach a dead end, and then you can go on and find some new foolishness. It's the way life is, if you're lucky. You leap from one beautiful mistake to the next and the next and the next. Pity the poor cube in the cubicle who is following all the rules and managing the arc of his career. Be glad to be you and not him. Dear Mr. Blue, For the past four years, I have been working at a publishing house in a small town. I would like to try working in the editorial department at one of the big national publications in New York City, such as Time or Mademoiselle. Do I need major connections (I have none) to land this type of job? Would I need more experience? Or is it feasible to pick up, go to N.Y. and try to break in through temping/interning at one of these big publishing conglomerates? Magazine Junkie Dear Junkie, My sources at Time say that fact-checking is the usual entry-level editorial position, and that you can expect to go through a number of temporary and probationary phases before becoming a full-timer. Jane Bachman at Time says: "If someone is willing to break in at the bottom of the heap, pay his/her dues, I'd say there probably are some good opportunities and, yes, New York is the place to be. I'd suggest coming to the city for a few weeks, pounding the pavement, hounding the offices of Time Inc., Hearst, Condé Nast, etc. (or try to set up interviews beforehand); sometimes, of course, it can just be a matter of timing, but if someone has a passionate interest in journalism, it usually shines through ... and, no, I don't think you have to know anybody." Dear Mr. Blue, Up to this point, I've always enjoyed a free-spirit lifestyle; while my friends were grabbing their diplomas and marrying, I was traveling around soaking up new places and experience. And then last year I came to D.C., got a job and suddenly woke up with this fear of not being settled. I'm 28 and dating a younger Thai man who tells me he's crazy about me, but lately I've been feeling this paranoia about being with him if he's not the one for me in the long term. What I don't know is, how do you know if someone is right or not? How long should I give it? Independent Dear Independent, All is well so far: You've endeavored to have an interesting life, and I guess you were successful. So you'll have plenty of stories to tell your grandchildren and wonderful memories when you're camped on the veranda of the Good Shepherd nursing home. Don't panic about settling down. You're 28, a serious age, but it's not the same as 38, or 48. Be casual, be cool and if you're not crazy about this younger man, don't pretend that you are. Not for a minute. If you feel uneasy about him, then don't lean his way. Don't settle for less than what makes you happy. How do you know if he's right? You feel it in your heart: You think, This is the guy with whom I'd gladly share a cabin on a freighter from Marseilles to Seattle via Johannesberg, Calcutta, Singapore, Sydney and Honolulu, without a doubt. Dear Mr. Blue, I am trying to finish my dissertation, and it is becoming a real headache. I am an OK writer with plenty to say. My main problem is having no deadlines to meet and being unable to force myself to create them. How can a writer successfully invent deadlines and beat the laziness bug, or is there some other way of getting the job done? At this point I am more interested in "done" than in "excellent." Any advice? Gradual Student Dear GS, Make a syllabus, if you haven't already, and lay out the stages of the project; set a goal for each stage, and find a friend who is willing to oversee you and hold you accountable for fulfilling your plan. Don't be embarrassed about doing this. Just do it. You've done this sort of labor before, now do it again. One day at a time. Meet your daily goal, and then put a CD on and fire up a pizza. Day by day. You can do it. Writing is cumulative. You write a few pages a day and keep going and eventually you get there. Dear Mr. Blue, Several months ago I met a wonderful man and we began dating. He had recently ended a relationship and was cautious about appearing to be on the rebound. We enjoyed each other's company immensely, but did not sleep together. I did not meet his friends or family, and the words "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" were not used. A month later, I began dating another man. After a month, I reluctantly ended things with the first man, since the second appeared to want to build a relationship and was very forthright about his affection, although we did not sleep together either. Another three weeks passed and I realized that I had made a huge mistake and I ended things with the second man. I called the first man and we had a four-hour, gut-wrenching conversation that ended in reconciliation. This was five months ago. Since then we have fallen completely in love and discuss marriage regularly. My problem is this: While I alluded to the other man when we reconciled, I never actually told him that I broke up with someone to pursue a relationship with him. He is very honest with me, and a few of my friends know what happened. Do I need to tell him? I love him more than anything else in the world. Haunted by Conscience Dear Haunted, You could tell him or you could reckon that the allusion was enough. It's an innocent tale, utterly innocent, so don't see this as a big problem. I mean, dating another guy for three weeks is not a major deal, not enough of a relationship to justify the term "breaking up" -- you simply stopped seeing him. In fact, No. 2 undoubtedly served as a catalyst to get you back with No. 1. No reason to be haunted by this, but if you really think you are, and if there comes a point in the conversation where it's utterly natural to say something about this, then allude to Mr. Two again, and if Mr. One is interested, tell him the story. Dear Mr. Blue, I seem to have a deficiency in reproductive drive. I am healthy, in love and secure, yet I have no desire whatsoever to father children. This was a factor in the loss of my first wife. My second and final wife has two beautiful children of her own. I love them like crazy. She is accepting but thinks that I will never be fulfilled if I don't father a child. All of my friends and colleagues are parents and all seem to regard me with pity, concern or even sadness. I am a physician, and I frequently meet patients who are infertile and will go to almost any length to have a child. I just cannot relate to this. I have been involved in hundreds of births and have seen the joy; I just don't want it for myself. Do you believe one can find fulfillment in life without being a parent? Evolutionary Dead End Dear EDE, Yes. Don't let other people write your life for you. Enjoy your stepchildren and don't procreate for recreation. Keep on being normal in your own odd way. Dear Mr. Blue, Why do people say "feel" when they mean "think," and vice versa? I don't think these two words are interchangeable, yet it seems most others feel otherwise because they use them as if they mean the same thing. I'd be interested to know what you think or feel about this. Flummoxed Grammarian My dear Grammarian, I admire your quest for clarity, I truly do, but thought and feeling are so delicately intertwined that it is not possible to put them into two separate bins, and the writer/speaker must choose between them intuitively and sometimes mix them. "Think" can seem weak and hesitant, "feel" can sound gloopy and sometimes you need to reach for "believe" or "consider" or "am positive," and then, when you get to be my age, you stop attributing your thoughts and feelings to yourself and you simply state things as a plain natural fact and let the reader/listener grapple with it. This is the correct answer to your question. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a woman of middle years who has had a fascinating and picaresque life. Marriage No. 1 to college sweetheart ended after children left. Marriage No. 2, to a charming rotter, dragged on for 12 years and damaged me badly. And now, after a year alone, I've fallen madly in love with a man several years my junior and know he is right for me. He is just not ready to commit, although he says he loves me and does not want to lose me. I appreciate his reticence, but how long should I wait to plan a future? Is there a timetable for these things? Near New York Dear Near, The timetable is his timetable; the herd moves at the pace of the slowest buffalo. You have his companionship, and probably you won't lose it unless you force him to commit before he's able. Endure being uncomfortable for a while. It won't harm you. Let the future happen, week by week, for a while. Meantime, don't be picaresque with this nice man. Dear Mr. Blue, In 1958 my grandmother shot and killed my grandfather because of his infidelities. She never served time in prison as her offense was deemed a crime of passion. But the bullet that killed my grandfather killed many other things as well. Forty years afterward, several of us are still suffering the consequences of that fatal night. I want to write the story of our family but I don't know where to begin. I know I won't get a lot of support from my relatives. Everyone wants to bury the past. I also majored in engineering so I don't have the basics. Can you give me direction. Is there a story to tell? Writer Wannabe Dear W.W., You believe there's a story to tell, obviously, so start digging immediately. Begin with the murder. Get hold of the police records and court proceedings, and then start interviewing -- the adults of 1958 will not be around much longer for you to talk to, and when they're gone, this story vanishes with them. As you get a grasp of the story, write an outline that will serve to focus your efforts: If you're not a great prose stylist, that's OK, you can make up for it with logic and organization. Take it as far as you can, and then decide whether you want to take it further. Do it for your grandmother and grandfather. And as for the people who say they want to bury the past, they will be the ones most anxious to read the results of your inquiry. Good luck. And go to it. You won't regret making the effort. Dear Mr. Blue, I am divorced from my husband, who has not spoken to me for 15 years, and now I am losing my daughter, our only child. It breaks my heart. Four years ago, I got upset about her taking me for granted, and she went on the offensive, accusing me of not wanting to see her (untrue), and made a number of other accusations and criticisms, most of which were incredibly petty. When I suggested that we go for joint counseling (I was at a loss to know where her anger was coming from) she told me that writing to me was a "waste of ink" and that she never wanted to have anything more to do with me. She took the suggestion of therapy as being an insulting suggestion that there was something wrong with her. I have been writing down my thoughts and feelings about this, thinking I might publish it some day. I never thought this would happen to us; but I believe that she enjoyed rejecting me. I have not tried to communicate with her for some time. My previous efforts made me sick at heart and body. Do you recommend learning acceptance and waiting for her to figure out her own stuff, or would you have another suggestion? I still love her but can't say that I like her a whole lot anymore. I didn't deserve this. Rejected Mom Dear Rejected, This is a grievous story and I am sorry for your loss of the adult friendship of a child. But your combative tone makes me think that you have blundered into this situation and antagonized your daughter on your own steam. You say this started back when you got upset about her taking you for granted? Good Lord, madame, that is a poor pretext for a fight with your only child, I must say. God knows, it's human enough to get upset, but there comes a point when you simply must accept your children as they are, stop prodding and pushing and punishing them, and learn to enjoy their company. You weren't rejected: You simply got into a fight you had no business fighting, and you wound up the loser. It's a sad fact that our power to anger and alienate others is so immense and our power to reconcile is so pitifully small. The lesson is: Be slow to anger. Don't be right every time you have a chance to. And don't go off writing a book about this as a further exercise in self-justification. If you need to write something, try writing an apology. salon.com | August 17, 1999