| ||||||
|
Arts & Entertainment  BooksComics Health & Body Media Mothers Who Think News People Politics2000 Technology - Free Software Project Travel & Food  Columnists
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - Also Today For a full list of today's Salon Books stories, go to the
Books home page. - - - - - - - - - - - - Search Salon - - - - - - - - - - - - Salon Columnists - - - - - - - - - - - - Recently in Salon Books Reviews Book Bag Reviews Ivory Tower Reviews - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Secrets and lies | page 1, 2, 3
I seem to have a deficiency in reproductive drive. I am healthy, in
love and secure, yet I have no desire whatsoever to father children.
This was a factor in the loss of my first wife. My second and final
wife has two beautiful children of her own. I love them like crazy. She is accepting but thinks that I will never be fulfilled if I don't
father a child. All of my friends and colleagues are parents and all
seem to regard me with pity, concern or even sadness. I am a
physician, and I frequently meet patients who are infertile and will go
to almost any length to have a child. I just cannot relate to this.
I have been involved in hundreds of births and have seen the joy; I just don't
want it for myself. Do you believe one can find fulfillment in life
without being a parent? Evolutionary Dead End Dear EDE, Yes. Don't let other people write your life for you. Enjoy your
stepchildren and don't procreate for recreation. Keep on being normal
in your own odd way. Dear Mr. Blue, Why do people say "feel" when they mean "think," and
vice versa? I don't think these two words are interchangeable, yet it
seems most others feel otherwise because they use them as if they mean
the same thing. I'd be interested to know what you think or feel about
this. Flummoxed Grammarian My dear Grammarian, I admire your quest for clarity, I truly do, but
thought and feeling are so delicately intertwined that it is not
possible to put them into two separate bins, and the writer/speaker
must choose between them intuitively and sometimes mix them. "Think"
can seem weak and hesitant, "feel" can sound gloopy and sometimes you
need to reach for "believe" or "consider" or "am positive," and then,
when you get to be my age, you stop attributing your thoughts and
feelings to yourself and you simply state things as a plain natural
fact and let the reader/listener grapple with it. This is the correct
answer to your question. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a woman of middle years who has had a fascinating and picaresque
life. Marriage No. 1 to college sweetheart ended after children left.
Marriage No. 2, to a charming rotter, dragged on for 12 years and
damaged me badly. And now, after a year alone, I've fallen madly in
love with a man several years my junior and know he is right for me.
He is just not ready to commit, although he says he loves me and does
not want to lose me. I appreciate his reticence, but how long should I wait to plan a
future? Is there a timetable for these things? Near New York Dear Near, The timetable is his timetable; the herd moves at the pace of the
slowest buffalo. You have his companionship, and probably you won't
lose it unless you force him to commit before he's able. Endure being
uncomfortable for a while. It won't harm you. Let the future happen,
week by week, for a while. Meantime, don't be picaresque with this nice
man. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, In 1958 my grandmother shot and killed my grandfather because of his infidelities. She never served time in prison as her offense was deemed a crime of passion. But the bullet that killed my grandfather killed many other things as well. Forty years afterward, several of us are still suffering the consequences of that fatal night. I want to write the story of our family but I don't know where to begin. I know I won't get a lot of support from my relatives. Everyone wants to bury the past. I also majored in engineering so I don't have the basics. Can you give me direction. Is there a story to tell? Writer Wannabe Dear W.W., You believe there's a story to tell, obviously, so start digging immediately. Begin with the murder. Get hold of the police records and court proceedings, and then start interviewing -- the adults of 1958 will not be around much longer for you to talk to, and when they're gone, this story vanishes with them. As you get a grasp of the story, write an outline that will serve to focus your efforts: If you're not a great prose stylist, that's OK, you can make up for it with logic and organization. Take it as far as you can, and then decide whether you want to take it further. Do it for your grandmother and grandfather. And as for the people who say they want to bury the past, they will be the ones most anxious to read the results of your inquiry. Good luck. And go to it. You won't regret making the effort. Dear Mr. Blue, I am divorced from my husband, who has not spoken to me for 15 years, and now I am losing my daughter, our only child. It breaks my heart. Four years ago, I got upset about her taking me for granted, and she went on the offensive, accusing me of not wanting to see her (untrue), and made a number of other accusations and criticisms, most of which were incredibly petty. When I suggested that we go for joint counseling (I was at a loss to know where her anger was coming from) she told me that writing to me was a "waste of ink" and that she never wanted to have anything more to do with me. She took the suggestion of therapy as being an insulting suggestion that there was something wrong with her. I have been writing down my thoughts and feelings about this, thinking I might publish it some day. I never thought this would happen to us; but I believe that she enjoyed rejecting me. I have not tried to communicate with her for some time. My previous efforts made me sick at heart and body. Do you recommend learning acceptance and waiting for her to figure out her own stuff, or would you have another suggestion? I still love her but can't say that I like her a whole lot anymore. I didn't deserve this. Rejected Mom Dear Rejected, This is a grievous story and I am sorry for your loss of the adult
friendship of a child. But your combative tone makes me think that you
have blundered into this situation and antagonized your daughter on
your own steam. You say this started back when you got upset about her
taking you for granted? Good Lord, madame, that is a poor pretext for
a fight with your only child, I must say. God knows, it's human enough
to get upset, but there comes a point when you simply must accept your
children as they are, stop prodding and pushing and punishing them,
and learn to enjoy their company. You weren't rejected: You simply got
into a fight you had no business fighting, and you wound up the loser.
It's a sad fact that our power to anger and alienate others is so
immense and our power to reconcile is so pitifully small. The lesson
is: Be slow to anger. Don't be right every time you have a chance to.
And don't go off writing a book about this as a further exercise in
self-justification. If you need to write something, try writing an
apology.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - Search Salon | |||||
 |
 |
 |
 |
|||
