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Secrets and lies | page 1, 2, 3
I am almost 27 years old and live in Tokyo, having left a promising
computer job and gone abroad to escape the loathsome doldrums of daily
cubicle life. I'm doing quite well here flittering around with Asian
lovelies, but my friends stateside are getting rich off the Internet
boom, and I'm wondering whether to return to the States and hop onto
their track, or stay here at a pretty good job and live the expat
life. At what age must I halt this foolishness? Adam Dear Adam, Do you envy their wealth? Probably your friends envy your expat life
and don't dare admit it. They wonder what it'd be like to live outside
the U.S., and they'll never know. They're too old now to try. And their
bubble of prosperity is getting bigger and bigger and they're worried
that it may burst and cast them back into the loathsome doldrums.
Meanwhile you're actually living life to the fullest, which is the
beauty part of the expat life: It really keeps you awake to be outside
the culture. You needn't halt this foolishness until you reach a dead
end, and then you can go on and find some new foolishness. It's the
way life is, if you're lucky. You leap from one beautiful mistake to
the next and the next and the next. Pity the poor cube in the cubicle
who is following all the rules and managing the arc of his career. Be
glad to be you and not him. Dear Mr. Blue, For the past four years, I have been working at a publishing
house in a small town. I would like to try working in the
editorial department at one of the big national publications in New
York City, such as Time or Mademoiselle. Do I need major connections (I have none) to land this type of job?
Would I need more experience? Or is it feasible to pick up, go to N.Y.
and try to break in through temping/interning at one of these big
publishing conglomerates? Magazine Junkie Dear Junkie, My sources at Time say that fact-checking is the usual
entry-level editorial position, and that you can expect to go through
a number of temporary and probationary phases before becoming a
full-timer. Jane Bachman at Time says: "If someone is willing to break
in at the bottom of the heap, pay his/her dues, I'd say there probably
are some good opportunities and, yes, New York is the place to be. I'd
suggest coming to the city for a few weeks, pounding the pavement,
hounding the offices of Time Inc., Hearst, Condé Nast, etc. (or try to
set up interviews beforehand); sometimes, of course, it can just be a
matter of timing, but if someone has a passionate interest in
journalism, it usually shines through ... and, no, I don't think you
have to know anybody." Dear Mr. Blue, Up to this point, I've always enjoyed a free-spirit lifestyle; while
my friends were grabbing their diplomas and marrying, I was traveling
around soaking up new places and experience. And then last year I came
to D.C., got a job and suddenly woke up with this fear of not being
settled. I'm 28 and dating a younger Thai man who tells me he's crazy
about me, but lately I've been feeling this paranoia about being with
him if he's not the one for me in the long term. What I don't know
is, how do you know if someone is right or not? How long should I give
it? Independent Dear Independent, All is well so far: You've endeavored to have an interesting life, and
I guess you were successful. So you'll have plenty of stories to tell
your grandchildren and wonderful memories when you're camped on the
veranda of the Good Shepherd nursing home. Don't panic about settling
down. You're 28, a serious age, but it's not the same as 38, or 48. Be
casual, be cool and if you're not crazy about this younger man, don't
pretend that you are. Not for a minute. If you feel uneasy about him,
then don't lean his way. Don't settle for less than what makes you
happy. How do you know if he's right? You feel it in your heart: You
think, This is the guy with whom I'd gladly share a cabin on a
freighter from Marseilles to Seattle via Johannesberg, Calcutta,
Singapore, Sydney and Honolulu, without a doubt. Dear Mr. Blue, I am trying to finish my dissertation, and it is becoming a real
headache. I am an OK writer with plenty to say. My main problem is
having no deadlines to meet and being unable to force myself to
create them. How can a writer successfully invent deadlines and beat
the laziness bug, or is there some other way of getting the job done?
At this point I am more interested in "done" than in "excellent." Any
advice? Gradual Student Dear GS, Make a syllabus, if you haven't already, and lay out the stages of the
project; set a goal for each stage, and find a friend who is
willing to oversee you and hold you accountable for fulfilling your
plan. Don't be embarrassed about doing this. Just do it. You've done
this sort of labor before, now do it again. One day at a time. Meet
your daily goal, and then put a CD on and fire up a pizza. Day by day.
You can do it. Writing is cumulative. You write a few pages a day and
keep going and eventually you get there. Dear Mr. Blue, Several months ago I met a wonderful man and we began dating. He had
recently ended a relationship and was cautious about appearing to be
on the rebound. We enjoyed each other's company immensely, but did
not sleep together. I did not meet his friends or family, and the words
"girlfriend" or "boyfriend" were not used. A month later, I began dating another man. After a month, I
reluctantly ended things with the first man, since the second appeared
to want to build a relationship and was very forthright about his
affection, although we did not sleep together either. Another three weeks passed and I realized that I had made a huge
mistake and I ended things with the second man. I called the first
man and we had a four-hour, gut-wrenching conversation that ended in
reconciliation. This was five months ago. Since then we have fallen
completely in love and discuss marriage regularly. My problem is this: While I alluded to the other man when we
reconciled, I never actually told him that I broke up with someone to
pursue a relationship with him. He is very honest with me, and a few
of my friends know what happened. Do I need to tell him? I love him more than anything else in the
world. Haunted by Conscience Dear Haunted, You could tell him or you could reckon that the allusion was enough.
It's an innocent tale, utterly innocent, so don't see this as a big
problem. I mean, dating another guy for three weeks is not a major
deal, not enough of a relationship to justify the term "breaking up" -- you simply stopped seeing him. In fact, No. 2 undoubtedly served as
a catalyst to get you back with No. 1. No reason to be haunted by
this, but if you really think you are, and if there comes a point in
the conversation where it's utterly natural to say something about
this, then allude to Mr. Two again, and if Mr. One is interested, tell
him the story.
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