| |||||
|
Arts & Entertainment  BooksComics Health & Body Media Mothers Who Think News People Politics2000 Technology - Free Software Project Travel & Food  Columnists
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - Also Today For a full list of today's Salon Books stories, go to the
Books home page. - - - - - - - - - - - - Search Salon - - - - - - - - - - - - Salon Columnists - - - - - - - - - - - - Recently in Salon Books Reviews Book Bag Reviews Ivory Tower Reviews - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
DEAR MR. BLUE: ADVICE FOR LOVERS AND WRITERS
Secrets and lies
- - - - - - - - - - - -
August 17, 1999 |
Dear Mr. Blue, I have been with my boyfriend, an architect, for a year. He wants to
get married, and so do I. But I have a secret, a past life that would
raise the hair on your neck. When I think of it, I can't believe it
was me. Alas, no respectable person would ever consider forgiving
this lack of good judgment. What should I do? Tell all and risk
losing the one I love or forge ahead hoping that he never finds out?
Sure, honesty is the best policy, but some things have a social stigma
that can't be explained away. Squirming in NYC Dear Squirming, Your boyfriend loves you as the person you are now; he doesn't need to
know everything about your past. He really doesn't. St. Paul (who was
no squishy liberal) said, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is
behind and straining toward what is ahead ..." Leave the old days
behind; you're not the same person. OK, so you once danced naked on
barroom tables and invited lascivious software salesmen to put dollar
bills into your garter belt -- or, worse, you spent a few terms in
Congress -- it's over and done. If he ever finds out about it, let
him take up the task of forgiving you. But you forgive yourself and
put this secret behind you. Dear Mr. Blue, She looks like she's stepped out of a John Singer Sargent painting,
and she's generous, unpretentious and loving (in a Christian way),
but she's said twice that she doesn't want me. Since then, I've tried
everything -- searching for God, buying a Corvette and revving through
the countryside, brushing up on my Spanish, moving to a part of town
full of nubile young artists -- but when I see her at work and talk
with her, I can't stop thinking about her. Any suggestions? Smitten Dear Smitten, The lady has spoken. Sometimes a woman will change her mind, but this
is not up to you, and you should not make a heroic effort. If I may
be blunt here, I wonder if you're not simply wanting to, as we say,
get into her pants. Perhaps she senses this. Perhaps she is trying to
point you in the direction of friendship. Perhaps you should take this
cue. It's tough when we can't get what we want, but sometimes this
sends us on a circuitous route that winds up at something better that
we would have wanted if we only had known it was there. Dear Mr. Blue, I was a freelance writer for years and now have a great new job at a
magazine as a senior editor. I get along well with most of my
co-workers except two who worry me. One is a very aggressive woman who, when
I joined the staff, asked me out a lot and liked to gossip, and who I
sense is not to be trusted. The other is a woman who is absolutely insane, who
walks around telling people that the reason she doesn't hand in her
work on time is because she has an "AIDS-like condition." How do I
deal with these co-workers? Trying to Rise Above It All Dear Trying, It's a volatile business, and when a magazine starts to
lose its grip, regimes topple, the tumbrels fill up with senior
editors, blood flows in the hallways. Consequently, magazine people
tend to give each other plenty of slack, knowing that Life May Be
Short. At the places I know about, you could walk around in your
underwear humming the Ride of the Valkyries so long as your work is
good. And a certain slacker element is accepted. I mean, you're not
building the City of God on earth, you're only putting out a rag to
amuse people waiting to get root canals or rectal examinations. Be
polite without fail, don't gossip with the gossips, avoid romance with
colleagues and do your work. And plan for when the revolution comes. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a single mom with five children. The youngest is 8, the oldest 22. How do I get back to any kind of relationship? I battle daily with financial survival and bouts of depression. The depression has led to excessive eating and weight gain. I feel old before my time. I suspect that not many guys want a broke, overweight, middle-aged mom of five. Not a very attractive personals ad. I was married for 20-plus years. The end of the marriage wasn't my choice, but that was a few years ago. I'm not sure if there's time or enough life left in me to try again. Lonely Dear Lonely, You're smart and courageous and funny and with those five kids, you'll always have enough inspiration and lunacy in your life. I bet on you to come through the depression and find a way to get the eating under control. (As for the financial problems, I hope Dad is doing his part.) You're right, a personals ad that read, "Impoverished Heavy Gal with five kiddoes seeks Handsome Prince to make everything right" would not be a winner. But you are not defined by your deficits any more than I am. Tackle the problems one at a time: finances, depression, health and well-being, in any order you choose. Before you try to be attractive to someone else, win your own self-respect. Sit down and list some steps to improve matters: This is to ward off desperation. Every day, do something to improve your life. Make yourself take a walk every day. Get in touch with the current job market, if you're out of touch. Give yourself a little time every day to lie down in a room by yourself and simply think. Remember that you have these five kids watching and learning from you, and when you take charge of your own life, you're also teaching your kids that ordinary heroism is possible. Dear Mr. Blue, I have been in a relationship for the past three years with a man I love very much. We live together and have a great relationship except that he says he is not ready to be monogamous. This was a hypothetical problem until recently when he admitted that on an international trip he took a few months back, he slept with a woman, a close friend, and now I am at a loss as to how to deal with the situation. I am upset that at first he lied to me about his behavior. Can you clarify it for me? Confused Dear Confused, He's not ready to be monogamous, as he told you, and now you know he meant what he said. Don't throw away three years for one violation, but do clear things up with him. For one thing, he has no right to expose you to sexually transmitted disease. For another, you need to believe in yourself as a woman who is worth a man's full attention and passion and not a sideline, a hobby. It's painful to get this sorted out, but do it expeditiously, no shilly-shallying. Be explicit. You want monogamy. If he doesn't, then get his suitcase out of the closet and lay it open across the bed.
| ||||
 |
 |
 |
 |
||
Next page |