To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > Books August 10, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/books/col/keil/1999/08/10/experienced_woman Wanted: Experienced Woman of 40 When you're 30 and can't get women your age to give you the time of day, it's time to open up the field. - - - - - - - - - - - - By Garrison Keillor Dear Mr. Blue, I can't get laid to save my life. I'm 30 and haven't had sex in five years. It seems every woman under the age of 30 either has a boyfriend already or doesn't want one right now; at least she doesn't want me. I'm intelligent, successful, in good shape and better than OK looking. I even smell good. For a year and a half I avoided looking for a girlfriend, testing the theory that "you'll find her when you're not looking." No such luck. All I can figure is that I'm too nice and too open. How do I learn to be the kind of jerk that women will actually date? Blue Dear Blue, You need to lift that age restriction and open up the field to the Experienced Woman of 40. As you've found, available 30-year-olds are in short supply, and the best ones are tangled up in marriages or romances or are discouraged and taking a vacation from men. Whereas in the 40ish category, you'll find mature, experienced women who will charm the pants off you, and you will wake up in the morning, exhausted and giddy, your ringlets pasted to your forehead, and she will have left a beautiful thank-you note on the pillow and then you will detect the unmistakable aroma of fresh coffee and blueberry pancakes. Yes! I swear, I am not making this up. Women change in that decade. They learn to appreciate us. Broaden your horizons, Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, This summer my jobs entails that I travel each morning from the suburbs to the big city to get to work and to make money for school. Lately on the ride home there has been a girl, about my age, whom I've become interested in. However, while normally I'm outgoing and fun, I can't seem to think of anything to say to this girl. Besides "So, we take the same train, huh?" what else can I say to start a conversation and see where it leads? Train Rider Dear Train Rider, It's been so long since I sidled up to a beautiful stranger on a train and said the magic words that made her love me forever, I can't remember just how it goes. But if you and this girl haven't spoken, what exactly is it about her that interests you? Is it her pale angular waif-like fragility? Then I guess you can ask her about that. Say, "Excuse me, but are you getting enough for breakfast?" Or you could say, "Do you mind if I talk to you for a few minutes? My brother died last night." Or you could comment expertly on the weather. First, however, you'll need to sit down next to her. You stand next to where she's sitting (assuming the seat next to her is unoccupied) and you lean forward at a 36-degree angle and you say, "Quelle est la place la moins cher?" And then, quickly, you say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were French." And then you say, "May I sit here?" She ought to look up and flash a beautiful smile and say, "Of course, sailor." If she hangs her head and looks sullen and grumbles something unintelligible, then move on, and try again next week. If there is a little old lady sitting next to her, flash your ticket and tell her she's sitting in your seat; say it as gently as possible. If there is a big beefy guy with slicked-back hair in a blue suit and a black shirt and a white tie, you'll have to tell him to move and there may be fisticuffs. Love is never simple, even on a train. Dear Mr. Blue, I am about to enter my senior year of college and am very unsure of what course I want my life to take. I have been dating a woman, off and on, for several years, and she has just recently graduated. She seems to know exactly what she wants and insists that her plans involve me. I feel a strong desire to lead a life of adventure, but I also know that I love this woman deeply, and as a result I have a conflicting suspicion that I could fit into the comfortable path she has designed for herself. I am sure that if I do not follow her to the city in which she is now living, it will end the relationship. I don't know how to choose between something that I know is substantially gratifying, and something which could be wonderful, but might be a disastrous mistake. At the Crossroads Dear At, You don't seem ready to follow this lovely person to that city and to that comfortable life she has in mind for the two of you. She has a plan and it's not your plan. You have misgivings, and you shouldn't stifle them so that you can follow her script, even if you love her deeply. If you crave adventure, then right now, exactly now, is the time to seek it, while you're young and independent, so you don't wake up 10 years from now wishing desperately that you had. It is not a disastrous mistake to want adventure. Dear Mr. Blue, My parents have been married for 27 years and are just in their mid- to late-40s. They have been great parents to me and I love them both very much. But lately I've noticed that they're very distant with one another, and short-tempered on the few occasions they do talk. When I last visited their home, my mother broke down and told me she was very unhappy, that she loved my father but didn't like him much anymore. She said that he was acting increasingly crude and disrespectful around her, using profanity and looking at pornography on the Internet. When she tried to talk to him, he said that if she didn't like the situation, she could leave. My mother told me she is seriously considering divorce. She said that perhaps it's inevitable -- when people grow older, they grow apart. I love them both, and have noticed the changes between them. But I want them to stay together. I just don't know how to fix things between them. My father won't even admit there is a problem. Should I keep trying to talk to him? Or should I just support my mother in finding her way back to happiness, with or without my father? Deeply Saddened Dear Deeply, A grievous problem and one you should stand clear of unless there is need for intervention to protect them from each other. You don't know how to fix things between them, and maybe they don't even want you to; maybe it's an old argument that they've polished to perfection, like a play, and they are looking for a third character to give it a little more zip. Of course you should talk to your father, but listen to him too, and don't try to corner him. It sounds as if your mother has enlisted you on her side of the conflict: Beware of that. But maybe you should find ways to see her apart from your father, to give her some relief. Dear Mr. Blue, I want to know if it's possible to fall in love with someone that you don't actually like. Or is what I feel simply lust? Is there a gray area between the two that I have somehow wandered into? I admit that I find this man extremely physically attractive, and that certainly would indicate lust. But on the other hand -- despite the fact I am in a steady relationship -- I find myself fantasizing about marrying this guy and having his children. I'm pretty sure he'd be a terrible choice. Then again, I haven't married the steady one, either. Gray Skies in Vancouver Dear Gray, It's human nature to be fascinated by the impermissible and has been since Eve munched the apple. And in romance it seems to particularly excite people. So many wild operatic love affairs between wildly inappropriate people. Men going crazy over foreign women, educated women of exquisite taste falling for hairy brutes, people looking longingly across a crowded room at people with whom a romantic affair would be like a car crash. You have an advantage: You get to enjoy the lure and you know enough to avoid driving into the tree. So avoid it. Dear Mr. Blue, Could you give me an objective opinion? My boyfriend and I have been close friends with a married couple for over a year and got along great and then, one weekend, when my boyfriend was out of town, there was a knock on the door. It was the husband, who proceeded to sit down and tell me that he was "attracted" to me, and I was a "stimulating" person. He said he had told his wife, and she had encouraged him to come over and be "honest" about it. I spoke to her on the phone after he left and she said, "We're all adults," and was very nonchalant. I was very confused, especially since I, in no way, shape or form, had ever been remotely attracted to him. When I told my boyfriend he was very upset and said he felt betrayed. We haven't spoken to either of them since. What do you make of this situation, and should I call them? Startled in Idaho Dear Startled, Why call them? What more do you need to know? What's the confusion? You encountered someone who is interested in you sexually (you and 14 million other women) and who doesn't interest you, and you sent him away. Apparently, he has an interesting arrangement with his wife that covers this. Take it as an experience and let the other folks be whoever they are. Dear Mr. Blue, I am an energetic 40-year-old woman living with a wonderful 25-year-old man. We've been together about two years and he is as close to perfect as he can be and I love him tenderly. But I am his first serious girlfriend and I hate to think he may eventually feel stuck with me and be afraid to leave me. I love his company and have no desire to end this relationship, but I can't help but worry, especially when I see cute little 20-somethings, and think he'll go have some youthful flings. Do I worry too much? Romping in the Cradle Dear Romping, After a certain point, age doesn't matter so much, except when it comes to having children, and if you feel that the two of you are on firm ground (and after two years you should have a hunch about this), then you shouldn't try to orchestrate his life for him. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm in my mid-20s and though I get dates with women, nothing happens. No sparks fly up. My looks are passable, I have enough charm to get along, I bathe regularly and don't punch out random passersby. Am I doing some dumb thing wrong that I just can't see? Why the cool reactions? Clueless Dear Clueless, I guess the problem is that you're not powerfully attracted to any of these women. (If you are, you don't say so.) A woman is unlikely to send off sparks if she doesn't see any emanating from you. Concentrate on the conversational aspect and be an amusing companion and let the fireworks come as they will. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a young (not yet tenured) academic in the humanities, in an utterly satisfying marriage of 17 years to a phenomenally beautiful and loving woman, with three gorgeous, healthy children. I have the world by the ass. But my wife and I are both miserable living in this godforsaken outback where my profession has led us; we both miss Boston, where we grew up, but I can't find work in my field there. I love what I do, but I'm not sure how long I should pursue my career here. How long is long enough? By what criteria does one measure? Moses (No) Dear Moses (No), If you've lived there for five years or more and you're miserable, really miserable -- not just restless but really unhappy -- and you've made reasonable attempts to acclimate and they didn't work, then make plans to pull up stakes and move. That's my advice, risky though it be. Set a date, and burn your bridge, and then go where you want to go and look for a job. Misery does you no good past a certain point. Of course you may have to settle for a job as a shoe salesman, or a maitre d', or the host of a radio show, but it's important for you and your wife to live where you feel at home. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 40, with two failed marriages behind me, with charming dilettantes who couldn't hold a job and who left me wondering where in the heck they were at 3 o'clock in the morning. Interesting but useless gentlemen. So, for two years, I've been seeing a fellow who doesn't have an artistic bone in his body. He is practical, dependable and kind, a solid citizen, perfect to start a family with, but alas, in the course of a conversation I made a reference to King Lear and my sweetheart asked, "Who's King Lear?" This has drawn me up short. He is a good egg, but there will never be a meeting of the minds on a higher plane. I feel he will never fully understand me. How can I learn to appreciate his good points and recognize a good thing when I see it. Not Getting Any Younger Dear Not Getting, If William Shakespeare had been drawn toward a lovely woman in London and romanced her and it turned out that she had never heard of King Lear, he wouldn't have felt, as you feel, that she could never understand him. To the contrary. He would have cheerfully told her who King Lear was and would've read her all his favorite passages. You're being awfully snobbish. The world is full of lightweights who, recognizing Lear as Shakespeare and knowing they should know the play, would affect familiarity. A man honest enough to ask the question is worth your while. Dear Mr. Blue, My boyfriend and I are planning to move in together. We are each 25 years old and very much in love in a committed, fun and sweet relationship. We hesitate to make the move, though, because our parents are Catholic and opposed to living together before marriage. We plan on being married in two years, but there are other agendas we want to fulfill before walking down the aisle -- grad school for me, paying off debts for him. We appreciate our parents' position and value their wisdom, but on this point we disagree with them. It is a moral issue for them; it is a practical issue for us. My parents love him, and I know his parents love me, too. How do we make this move without isolating them? Catholicism Blues Dear C.B., It's your life to live and your decision to make, but if you're in love and committed to each other, maybe your parents can't see why marriage isn't a logical step here. Marriage won't get in the way of grad school or paying off debts: Is there some deeper reason? Is your reluctance a sign that you perhaps are not equally committed to each other and that one of you is entering this closer relationship in an attempt to convince the other? If your parents sense this, they may be worried about the harm that this sort of off-balance commitment can cause when the reluctant party pulls out. How can you go through with this without isolating them? You can't, and they will be hurt, but surely they'll forgive you. Dear Mr. Blue, Some of the questions in your column are so far-fetched that it seems like they're made up. Are they? Quest for Truth Dear Quest, I don't know. I don't think so. I do know that they weren't made up by me. Dear Mr. Blue, Eight years ago I fell in love harder than ever before or since and then suffered the greatest heartbreak when we returned to our respective colleges and he got back together with his ex-girlfriend. Now, after eight years without contact, we've begun dating again. He and his ex-girlfriend have agreed to discuss in nine months whether to give their relationship another shot. To me, he expresses deep ambivalence about committing to this woman. He also tells me that our relationship affected him deeply. All the qualities I fell for eight years ago -- his wit, charm, intelligence and spontaneity -- are still there, and anyone else pales by comparison. However, I am wary of opening myself to another wrenching heartbreak. Should I continue to hold this man at arm's length? Wary but Compelled Dear Wary, Give the man some room. Now is the time for him to summon up his mental powers and decide about the ex-girlfriend. One thing at a time. When he's made up his mind, then you can make up yours. Your companionship at this point can only confuse the issue. If he is a man simply seeking the nearest port, you don't want to be that port. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 25 and have been with my 19-year-old girlfriend for one year; I love her deeply and would like to marry her someday. The problem is that I am in love with another girl, 18, who I grew up with and have known for 10 years. We finally admitted to each other that we want to be together. I don't know who I want; I mean, I'm not sure if I just want the other girl because it's new and fresh or if I really want to pick her over my girlfriend. Any thoughts? Caught in the middle Dear Caught, Don't try to choose between the two. You will only hurt somebody. You need a third girlfriend, to sort of balance things out. Two will only be fiercely jealous and come to hate each other, but with three, they will be able to form shifting alliances and intrigues, angling for your attention, striving to please you, and you will be the beneficiary. I know this will seem -- how shall I say? -- odd, but you're young and in your prime: Do you think you could manage four? With four, you're going to see the real payoff of polygamy, which is domestic calm. The women make up a sort of herd, and the social structure is tremendously stable, and you sit at the apex, and life couldn't be more satisfying. Dear Mr. Blue, We have it all: two cute boys, good jobs with more than enough money (and more than enough hours too!), a beautiful house in a nice town, good friends. But somehow I hate coming home. We've lost interest in sex, don't talk, don't even argue unless it's about me working late again. Basically, she's tired of housework and working and wants me to cut down at work to help at home. I have the perfect job now. What do I do -- leave her now, immerse myself in work, or gut it out till the kids are grown and then go? We were happier when we had no money, no children and just our dreams for the future we're living. California Dreaming Dear C.D., You don't have it all. Your life is out of whack. Listen to your wife for a moment; she's your partner, she's on the scene and if she says you're working too much and she's tired of picking up the slack, give her the benefit of the doubt and rearrange things. It's possible. With experience and confidence and cunning, a person can figure out how to reduce almost any job to a humane scale. It's a wicked circle: you coming home exhausted, dreading the hostility, missing the good feelings that ought to be there. Make a change. She's giving you a fair warning. Pay attention to your family and do your homework and stop being a hot dog. salon.com | August 10, 1999