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Wanted: Experienced Woman of 40 | page 1, 2, 3
I'm 40, with two failed marriages behind me, with charming
dilettantes who couldn't hold a job and who left me wondering
where in the heck they were at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Interesting but useless gentlemen. So, for two years, I've been
seeing a fellow who doesn't have an artistic bone in his body.
He is practical, dependable and kind, a solid citizen, perfect
to start a family with, but alas, in the course of a conversation
I made a reference to King Lear and my sweetheart asked, "Who's
King Lear?" This has drawn me up short. He is a good egg, but there will
never be a meeting of the minds on a higher plane. I feel he will
never fully understand me. How can I learn to appreciate his good
points and recognize a good thing when I see it. Not Getting Any Younger Dear Not Getting, If William Shakespeare had been drawn toward a
lovely woman in London and romanced her and it turned out that
she had never heard of King Lear, he wouldn't have felt, as you
feel, that she could never understand him. To the contrary. He
would have cheerfully told her who King Lear was and would've
read her all his favorite passages. You're being awfully
snobbish. The world is full of lightweights who, recognizing Lear
as Shakespeare and knowing they should know the play, would
affect familiarity. A man honest enough to ask the question is
worth your while. Dear Mr. Blue, My boyfriend and I are planning to move in together. We are each
25 years old and
very much in love in a committed, fun and sweet relationship. We
hesitate
to make the move, though, because our parents are Catholic and
opposed to living together before marriage. We plan on being
married in two years, but there are other agendas we
want to fulfill before walking down the aisle -- grad school for me,
paying
off debts for him. We appreciate our parents' position and value
their wisdom,
but on this point we disagree with them. It is a moral issue for
them; it
is a practical issue for us. My parents love him, and I know his
parents
love me, too. How do we make this move without
isolating them? Catholicism Blues Dear C.B., It's your life to live and your decision to make, but if you're
in love and committed to each other, maybe your parents can't see
why marriage isn't a logical step here. Marriage won't get in the
way of grad school or paying off debts: Is there some deeper
reason? Is your reluctance a sign that you perhaps are not
equally committed to each other and that one of you is entering
this closer relationship in an attempt to convince the other? If
your parents sense this, they may be worried about the harm that
this sort of off-balance commitment can cause when the reluctant
party pulls out. How can you go through with this without
isolating them? You can't, and they will be hurt, but surely
they'll forgive you. Dear Mr. Blue, Some of the questions in your column are so far-fetched that it
seems
like they're made up. Are they? Quest for Truth Dear Quest, I don't know. I don't think so. I do know that they weren't made
up by me. Dear Mr. Blue, Eight years ago I fell in love harder than ever before or since
and then suffered the greatest heartbreak when we returned to our
respective colleges and he got back together with his
ex-girlfriend. Now, after eight years without contact, we've begun dating again.
He and his ex-girlfriend have agreed to discuss in nine months
whether to give their relationship another shot. To me, he
expresses deep ambivalence about committing to this woman. He
also tells me that our relationship affected him deeply. All the
qualities I fell for eight years ago -- his wit, charm,
intelligence and spontaneity -- are still there, and anyone else
pales by comparison. However, I am wary of opening myself to
another wrenching heartbreak. Should I continue to hold this man
at arm's length? Wary but Compelled Dear Wary, Give the man some room. Now is the time for him to
summon up his mental powers and decide about the ex-girlfriend.
One thing at a time. When he's made up his mind, then you can
make up yours. Your companionship at this point can only confuse
the issue. If he is a man simply seeking the nearest port, you
don't want to be that port. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 25 and have been with my 19-year-old girlfriend for one year; I love her deeply and would like to marry her someday. The problem is that I am in love with another girl, 18, who I grew up with and have known for 10 years. We finally admitted to each other that we want to be together. I don't know who I want; I mean, I'm not sure if I just want the other girl because it's new and fresh or if I really want to pick her over my girlfriend. Any thoughts? Caught in the middle Dear Caught, Don't try to choose between the two. You will only hurt somebody. You need a third girlfriend, to sort of balance things out. Two will only be fiercely jealous and come to hate each other, but with three, they will be able to form shifting alliances and intrigues, angling for your attention, striving to please you, and you will be the beneficiary. I know this will seem -- how shall I say? -- odd, but you're young and in your prime: Do you think you could manage four? With four, you're going to see the real payoff of polygamy, which is domestic calm. The women make up a sort of herd, and the social structure is tremendously stable, and you sit at the apex, and life couldn't be more satisfying. Dear Mr. Blue, We have it all: two cute boys, good jobs with more than enough money (and more than enough hours too!), a beautiful house in a nice town, good friends. But somehow I hate coming home. We've lost interest in sex, don't talk, don't even argue unless it's about me working late again. Basically, she's tired of housework and working and wants me to cut down at work to help at home. I have the perfect job now. What do I do -- leave her now, immerse myself in work, or gut it out till the kids are grown and then go? We were happier when we had no money, no children and just our dreams for the future we're living. California Dreaming Dear C.D., You don't have it all. Your life is out of whack.
Listen to your wife for a moment; she's your partner, she's on
the scene and if she says you're working too much and she's
tired of picking up the slack, give her the benefit of the doubt
and rearrange things. It's possible. With experience and
confidence and cunning, a person can figure out how to reduce
almost any job to a humane scale. It's a wicked circle: you
coming home exhausted, dreading the hostility, missing the good
feelings that ought to be there. Make a change. She's giving you
a fair warning. Pay attention to your family and do your homework
and stop being a hot dog.
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