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Wanted: Experienced Woman of 40 | page 1, 2, 3
I want to know if it's possible to fall in love with someone that
you
don't actually like. Or is what I feel simply lust? Is there a
gray area
between the two that I have somehow wandered into? I admit that I
find
this man extremely physically attractive, and that certainly
would
indicate lust. But on the other hand -- despite the fact I am in a
steady
relationship -- I find myself fantasizing about marrying this guy
and
having his children. I'm pretty sure he'd be a terrible choice.
Then
again, I haven't married the steady one, either. Gray Skies in Vancouver Dear Gray, It's human nature to be fascinated by the
impermissible and has been since Eve munched the apple. And in
romance it seems to particularly excite people. So many wild
operatic love affairs between wildly inappropriate people. Men
going crazy over foreign women, educated women of exquisite taste
falling for hairy brutes, people looking longingly across a
crowded room at people with whom a romantic affair would be like
a car crash. You have an advantage: You get to enjoy the lure and
you know enough to avoid driving into the tree. So avoid it. Dear Mr. Blue, Could you give me an objective opinion? My boyfriend and I have
been close friends with a married couple for over a year and got
along great and then, one weekend, when my boyfriend was out of
town, there was a knock on the door. It was the husband, who
proceeded to sit down and tell me that he was "attracted" to me,
and I was a "stimulating" person. He said he had told his wife,
and she had encouraged him to come over and be "honest" about it.
I spoke to her on the phone after he left and she said, "We're all
adults," and was very nonchalant. I was very confused, especially
since I, in no
way, shape or form, had ever been remotely attracted to him. When
I told my boyfriend
he was very upset and said he felt betrayed. We haven't spoken to
either
of them since. What do you make of this situation, and should I
call
them? Startled in Idaho Dear Startled, Why call them? What more do you need to know?
What's the confusion? You encountered someone who is interested
in you sexually (you and 14 million other women) and who
doesn't interest you, and you sent him away. Apparently, he has
an interesting arrangement with his wife that covers this. Take
it as an experience and let the other folks be whoever they are. Dear Mr. Blue, I am an energetic 40-year-old woman living with a wonderful
25-year-old
man. We've been together about two years and he is as close to
perfect as
he can be and I love him tenderly. But I am his first serious
girlfriend and I hate to think he may eventually feel stuck with
me and be afraid to leave me. I love his company and have no
desire to end this relationship, but I can't help but worry,
especially when I see cute little 20-somethings, and think he'll
go have some youthful flings. Do I worry
too much? Romping in the Cradle Dear Romping, After a certain point, age doesn't matter so much,
except when it comes to having children, and if you feel that the
two of you are on firm ground (and after two years you should
have a hunch about this), then you shouldn't try to orchestrate
his life for him. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm in my mid-20s and though I get dates with women, nothing
happens. No sparks fly up. My looks are passable, I have enough
charm to get along, I bathe regularly and don't punch out random
passersby. Am I doing some dumb thing wrong that I just can't
see? Why the cool reactions? Clueless Dear Clueless, I guess the problem is that you're not powerfully
attracted to any of these women. (If you are, you don't say so.)
A woman is unlikely to send off sparks if she doesn't see any
emanating from you. Concentrate on the conversational aspect and
be an amusing companion and let the fireworks come as they will. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a young (not yet tenured) academic in the humanities, in an
utterly satisfying marriage of 17 years to a phenomenally
beautiful and loving woman, with three gorgeous, healthy children.
I have the world by the ass. But my wife and I are both miserable
living in this godforsaken outback where my profession has led
us; we both miss Boston, where we grew up, but I can't find
work in my field there. I love what I do, but I'm not sure how
long I should pursue my career here. How long is long enough? By
what criteria does one measure? Moses (No) Dear Moses (No), If you've lived there for five years or more and
you're miserable, really miserable -- not just restless but really
unhappy -- and you've made reasonable attempts to acclimate and
they didn't work, then make plans to pull up stakes and move.
That's my advice, risky though it be. Set a date, and burn your
bridge, and then go where you want to go and look for a job.
Misery does you no good past a certain point. Of course you may
have to settle for a job as a shoe salesman, or a maitre d', or
the host of a radio show, but it's important for you and your
wife to live where you feel at home.
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