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DEAR MR. BLUE: ADVICE FOR LOVERS AND WRITERS
Wanted: Experienced Woman of 40
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August 10, 1999 |
I can't get laid to save my life. I'm 30 and haven't had sex in
five years. It seems every woman under the age of 30 either has
a boyfriend already or doesn't want one right now; at least she
doesn't want me. I'm intelligent, successful, in good shape and
better than OK looking. I even smell good. For a year and a
half I avoided looking
for a girlfriend, testing the theory that "you'll find her when
you're not looking." No such luck. All I can figure is that
I'm too nice and too open. How do I learn to be the
kind of jerk that women will actually date? Blue Dear Blue, You need to lift that age restriction and open up the
field to the Experienced Woman of 40. As you've found,
available 30-year-olds are in short supply, and the best ones
are tangled up in marriages or romances or are discouraged and
taking a vacation from men. Whereas in the 40ish category,
you'll find mature, experienced women who will charm the pants off
you, and you will wake up in the morning, exhausted and giddy,
your ringlets pasted to your forehead, and she will have left a
beautiful thank-you note on the pillow and then you will detect
the unmistakable aroma of fresh coffee and blueberry pancakes.
Yes! I swear, I am not making this up. Women change in that
decade. They learn to appreciate us. Broaden your horizons, Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, This summer my jobs entails that I travel each morning from the
suburbs to the big city to get to work and to make money for
school. Lately on the ride home there has been a girl, about my
age, whom I've become interested in. However, while normally I'm
outgoing and fun, I can't seem to think of anything to say to
this girl. Besides "So, we take the same train, huh?" what else can I say to
start a conversation and see where it leads? Train Rider Dear Train Rider, It's been so long since I sidled up to a
beautiful stranger on a train and said the magic words that made
her love me forever, I can't remember just how it goes. But if
you and this girl haven't spoken, what exactly is it about her
that interests you? Is it her pale angular waif-like fragility?
Then I guess you can ask her about that. Say, "Excuse me, but are
you getting enough for breakfast?" Or you could say, "Do you mind
if I talk to you for a few minutes? My brother died last night."
Or you could comment expertly on the weather. First, however,
you'll need to sit down next to her. You stand next to where
she's sitting (assuming the seat next to her is unoccupied) and
you lean forward at a 36-degree angle and you say,
"Quelle est la place la moins cher?" And then, quickly, you say,
"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were French." And then you say,
"May I sit here?" She ought to look up and flash a beautiful
smile and say, "Of course, sailor." If she hangs her head and
looks sullen and grumbles something unintelligible, then move on,
and try again next week. If there is a little old lady sitting
next to her, flash your ticket and tell her she's sitting in your
seat; say it as gently as possible. If there is a big beefy guy
with slicked-back hair in a blue suit and a black shirt and a
white tie, you'll have to tell him to move and there may be
fisticuffs. Love is never simple, even on a train. Dear Mr. Blue, I am about to enter my senior year of college and am very unsure
of what course
I want my life to take. I have been dating a woman, off and on,
for several
years, and she has just recently graduated. She seems to know
exactly what she
wants and insists that her plans involve me. I feel a strong
desire to lead a
life of adventure, but I also know that I love this woman deeply,
and as a
result I have a conflicting suspicion that I could fit into the
comfortable
path she has designed for herself. I am sure that if I do not
follow her to
the city in which she is now living, it will end the
relationship. I don't
know how to choose between something that I know is substantially
gratifying,
and something which could be wonderful, but might be a disastrous
mistake. At the Crossroads Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear At, You don't seem ready to follow this lovely person to that city and to that comfortable life she has in mind for the two of you. She has a plan and it's not your plan. You have misgivings, and you shouldn't stifle them so that you can follow her script, even if you love her deeply. If you crave adventure, then right now, exactly now, is the time to seek it, while you're young and independent, so you don't wake up 10 years from now wishing desperately that you had. It is not a disastrous mistake to want adventure. Dear Mr. Blue, My parents have been married for 27 years and are just in their mid- to late-40s. They have been great parents to me and I love them both very much. But lately I've noticed that they're very distant with one another, and short-tempered on the few occasions they do talk. When I last visited their home, my mother broke down and told me she was very unhappy, that she loved my father but didn't like him much anymore. She said that he was acting increasingly crude and disrespectful around her, using profanity and looking at pornography on the Internet. When she tried to talk to him, he said that if she didn't like the situation, she could leave. My mother told me she is seriously considering divorce. She said that perhaps it's inevitable -- when people grow older, they grow apart. I love them both, and have noticed the changes between them. But I want them to stay together. I just don't know how to fix things between them. My father won't even admit there is a problem. Should I keep trying to talk to him? Or should I just support my mother in finding her way back to happiness, with or without my father? Deeply Saddened Dear Deeply, A grievous problem and one you should stand clear of unless there is need for intervention to protect them from each other. You don't know how to fix things between them, and maybe they don't even want you to; maybe it's an old argument that they've polished to perfection, like a play, and they are looking for a third character to give it a little more zip. Of course you should talk to your father, but listen to him too, and don't try to corner him. It sounds as if your mother has enlisted you on her side of the conflict: Beware of that. But maybe you should find ways to see her apart from your father, to give her some relief.
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