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I went back to my hometown recently and had
occasion to meet my old boyfriend whom I hadn't seen since we
were teenagers
(I am 52). I've always had a special place in my heart for him, and
when we met, there definitely were sparks flying between us
exactly as they did years ago. I find myself fantasizing about
selling my house, quitting my job and moving 3000 miles to be
with this man whom I spent all of two hours with after an absence
of 37 years! I believe the feeling is somewhat mutual as we have
had weekly conversations since I returned from
vacation. He is in a relationship that is on the verge of
ending, he told me.
Is it really possible that this man could be my one true love,
soul mate, best
friend and lover after all these years? Time's a wastin'. Ready to Leap Dear Ready, Think about this for a minute or two. If this man
were not in the picture, would you consider moving back to your
old hometown? Does it offer you anything else that you want? If
you can make a case for the move without counting on him to make
you happy, then consider doing it. But if he is the star of the
show, then your move appears to be a desperate one. Are you
indeed desperate? Keep in mind that desperation is not an
attractive quality in a lover. Nothing spooks a man like a woman
trying to surround him and rush him toward a Happy Ending. If you
can't visualize yourself living in your old hometown as a happy
single woman, then this is a bad idea. Dear Mr. Blue, I was divorced and got custody of my two children and meanwhile
spent a lot of time in my attorney's office and became attracted
to a legal secretary. She is recently divorced, too. We had some
dates together with our children -- birthday parties, camping
trips, and so forth -- but she doesn't want to be with me without
the kids. She says she is scared. I can see a future with this
woman and don't know how to proceed. Should I just let it go? Donnie Dear Donnie, You can't hurry love, you just have to wait, as the
song says. Don't scare her. Don't press, don't angle, don't think
strategically. Get to know her, if you like, in everyday prosaic
situations, ones without big orchestral soundtracks. Enjoy the
summer and the fall. Be a friend to her kids. If you push, you
push her away or, worse, you seduce her into a relationship she
isn't ready for. If you give her room, you allow whatever might
happen to happen. Dear Mr. Blue, My ex-boyfriend and I broke up over five years ago and now I'm
with a wonderful man and madly in love with him, but this
ex-boyfriend keeps lashing out at me.
He sends me harassing e-mail. (I wrote him a scathing response.)
What should I do? Tired
Dear Tired, Don't hit that Tar Baby, sister. If the harassment
reaches a point where you reasonably feel threatened, that's
different. But never get into an argument with a jerk if you can
avoid it. Anger will consume you, if you give it headway, and
soon you could be spending hours a day seething over this guy and
cussing him out and framing jagged paragraphs to wound him, and
what, in the end, does it get you? It only makes you angrier. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 31 and have been separated from my husband for 10 months.
Just after our third wedding anniversary he announced that he
was deeply unhappy in our marriage, and was moving out. We were
both
dealing with career stress, and I thought we could work through
things. So we went through counseling to come to some
resolution. He said he was not sure if he wanted to be with me,
and as time
passed I was feeling the same way, so we agreed to end amicably.
I have since met someone I enjoy very much, and want to get on
with my life, but my estranged
husband says he has "found" a wellspring of love for me, and
wants me back. He
has "changed," wants to start a family, and is ready to make a
"real
commitment." Family members are suddenly reminding me of my
wedding vows. A small part of me thinks I should give him this chance. But I
hate to lose this other man. In a Pickle Dear Pickle, It's up to your husband, having initiated the breakup, to court you and win you back, and I hope you'd give him that
chance. Hear the man out and show him some consideration and
spend time with him and give him a chance to sway you. A broken
marriage can heal up stronger than it was in the first place. But
if there's no feeling for him left in your heart, then say so,
and move on.
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