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DEAR MR. BLUE: ADVICE FOR LOVERS AND WRITERS
Porn widow
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August 3, 1999 |
My husband is intelligent, compassionate, funny and devoted to
our
son. But every night, after our son goes to bed, my husband heads
to his office, sometimes to work, but most times, to do
pornography on the Web. I'm not thrilled with the cost (about $200 a month on the
Mastercard), but it's the time that really bothers me. He starts
at
10 p.m. and doesn't quit until 1 or 2 in the morning, after
I'm in bed. He insists it has nothing to do with our sex life,
that it's
mere stress release, but it obviously affects how often we have
sex and
it leaves me feeling terribly alone. I've tried talking about it many times, to no avail. Being
patient and
supportive hasn't helped either, although of course he's happier
when
I'm not complaining. Once or twice, he's admitted that it would
be hard
for him to stop, but he hates the word "addiction" and would
never
consider therapy. I still love him madly, but I feel like I'm dying of loneliness.
I also
feel like my self-esteem is going down the drain because he
doesn't want
me, although I'm in better shape now than when we met and more
attractive. Any advice? Lonely Wife Dear Lonely, Some men become fascinated with pornographic images,
to varying degrees, and I suppose you could call it an
"addiction," but the thrill of it seems rather thin, compared with
real life. Your intelligent and compassionate husband has
obviously gone off the deep end, if he is devoting three or four
hours a day to this. So I suggest you bring a little real life
into his fantasy world. Tell him you'd like to participate. Ask
him to show you the pictures he especially likes and to share his
fantasies about them. Take a friendly interest in his hobby. What
can it hurt? And tell him that $200 a month is too much:
Help him shop around for better deals. Dear Mr. Blue, I am married, 31, have been having an affair with a married man for seven
years, and about a year ago his attentions toward me seemed to
wane. I was jealous and did some spying and found out he
definitely was having an affair with another woman. (He does not
know that I know.)
I'm still in love with him. Do I give him up? I've been trying
but it's hard. Nuts in New York Dear Nuts, To experience infidelity within an adulterous
relationship must be irritating, but one must draw the line here
and consider tossing the gentleman overboard. Let us assume that
your husband is having an affair with a meteorologist whose
ballplayer hubby is shacked up with four women around the Big Soo
League whose husbands are all having affairs with various
waitresses, and that your lover's wife is in bed with her
pediatrician who is married to a woman who is sleeping with the
florist who is banging three other customers, and that your
lover's other lover is also getting it on with four firemen from
Hook & Ladder Company No. 3. And all of these illicit lovers have
an eye out for other customers. You are thereby exposing yourself
to more risk than any reasonable person should. There are
unsightly diseases creeping around out there. At the very least,
tell Superman to bring condoms. Dear Mr. Blue, A year ago I fell into a wild, casual relationship with a man who
mostly made me miserable, and finally my good sense won out and
two months ago I dumped him for good.
And now I can't get him out of my head. I think about him
constantly.
I've tried everything -- meditation, burying myself in work,
spending time with friends, traveling, meeting new people,
dating -- but I still can't shake him. He made me unhappy so why
does my brain refuse to cooperate? I just want him gone. Tired of Thinking About Him Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Tired, It's like my sixth grade teacher who liked to beat up on kids. His making you miserable made him memorable, and the harder you try to expel him from memory, the longer he persists. It's like trying to expunge the thought of panda poop: Suddenly you see it everywhere. Or like a particularly vapid song that keeps playing in your head: You just have to wait for the battery to run down. In a month, he'll be fainter. In two months, fainter yet. And after that you'll lose track. Dear Mr. Blue, You know those little floating, transparent, bubble-like things you get in your eyes sometimes? Well, a few weeks back, I got a couple dozen of them in both eyes like an angry swarm of bees, and they're driving me crazy. I went to a couple of doctors, and they've told me that while it's probably nothing dangerous, odds are that it won't get better, and with time it'll probably get worse. There's also no treatment. I'm 29 and I can't quite accept the idea that I'm stuck with this state of affairs forever. I'm so frustrated and depressed, and I'm not sure how to let go of this despair and move on to more productive, pleasant things? Visual Person Dear Visual Person, I don't practice medicine, only psychiatry, so I referred your letter to my cousin, Dr. Blue, the internist, and he says you definitely should see a neurologist, and perhaps an ophthalmologist who is a retina specialist. You could be suffering from a tumor, or a visual migraine, which can cause swarms of spots, or "scintillating scotomata," or you may have a neurologic disease of the visual cortex: There is a long list of possible disorders that a thoughtful neurologist will consider. You say you have seen "a couple of doctors" but this is not adequate. You need to see a neurologist. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 16 and fairly normal with a normal urge to tackle the world. I'm a week away from getting my GED and will be taking some college courses this fall, and I want to move into a dorm starting the second semester. I've got a fairly steady job and I feel I'm ready for this. I'm also pretty sure I'll go bonkers if I don't get the hell out of here. I believe my parents trust me to be on my own. The problem is, they aren't exactly socialites, and my brother and I are all they have. They're both deathly afraid of growing old alone. They're in their early 50s, so it's not like I'm stuffing the old folks away in a nursing home, but try telling that to them. How do I convince my parents that I'm not abandoning them by moving across town? Escapee Dear Escapee, You take care of yourself and let those poor old people fend for themselves. It's about time they learned to live on their own. I don't believe in children coddling their parents until actual senility begins to settle in and they're no longer able to remember their address. I certainly don't believe in you trying to arrange a social life for them. Give them your phone number, get an answering machine so you don't have to talk to them and trust them to find their own way.
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