Dear Mr. Blue,

I am having a problem with temptation. Though I am very happy with my boyfriend, I have fantasies about a woman I have a crush on. I have never had a homosexual experience, I have always fantasized about them. I related this to my beau, which excited him (big surprise). Do I pass through this looking glass? Are my feelings for this woman real, or am I just thinking about a taboo subject? Is it worth finding out, considering I am largely happy and fulfilled in my heterosexual relationship?

Bothered

Dear Bothered,

Classic questions, all three, and of course the answer isn't here, it lies with you and the woman. You seem not to sense her attraction to you, which is crucial, and perhaps you're unsure that she's even attracted to women at all. So you're sailing without much to go by. Assuming that the woman is an acquaintance, not a member of the U.S. women's soccer team or a lady in a power-tools ad, then I suppose you pursue this friendship and spend time with her and see how you feel. And then, perhaps, you blurt out something, as people have done for eons, lean forward and confess -- I love you, do you have any feelings for me? And either she warms to this or she is flustered or she is horrified or she laughs out loud -- something happens, and depending on what it is, you kiss her, or you apologize, or you burst into tears, and then something else happens. There isn't any over-arching wisdom or formula to offer you. You are experiencing one of those Very Interesting Situations that years from now you will tell about and of course we'll all want to hear.

Dear Mr. Blue,

A little over two years ago I met a foreign woman, we hit it off, and a month later we decided to get married. So I brought her and her teenage son over here, and now I discover that I have very little in common with her. She seems to cope with this by extending herself socially and I cope by withdrawing into myself. I feel great responsibility for her and her son for bringing them here, and I did make a commitment to her and would like to be honorable, but I dread a life of boredom with her. I am not sure what to do.

Stuck in New York

Dear Stuck,

Glad you feel responsibility. Act on that feeling. Initiate a discussion of your separate natures and needs. Bring your discontent out into the open in a frank and non-accusatory way. It isn't her fault, it isn't yours. But you have to extend yourself. To withdraw is to reach a foregone conclusion. Why build a house and then walk away from it? Why get on the train to Chicago if you don't want to go?

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 37, divorced, with a 4-year old son, and can't seem to get on with my life as my ex and I have a fairly amicable arrangement by which he comes over for dinner and puts the boy to bed several times a week. He has a key for my house. I've had a couple of dates with another man, but feel I risk the wrath of the ex if he finds out. I think it is important for my son to have a relationship with his dad, but I feel I am sacrificing my own life for it. What should I do?

Psyched Out

Dear Psyched,

This is one of those times when you have to grit your teeth and tell the plain truth. You want your former husband to stay close to your son, but this is your house, and if he comes here, he has to accept that he is a guest, and if he should come and find another guest, he has nothing to say in the matter. That's the plain truth. Don't worry about consequences before you take the first step.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My husband of 22 years recently told me that he didn't know whether he wanted to be married anymore. I know he is unhappy about my weight, and unfortunately I have been very depressed for a long time, about 10 years, and I'm sure he's tired of dealing with that. I'm tired of dealing with the depression myself. This condition runs in my family and is predisposed. Ten years is a long time to watch someone whittle their life away. I've quit working and stay home all day and really don't want to do much of anything. I have been with therapists off and on over the years and have tried medication. At times I feel a little better about myself, and want a life like I used to have. I used to be a very attractive, dynamic person. I don't blame him for being unhappy with me, but does he want me to change or does he want out of the marriage? He is so vague when I try to get answers. What should I do?

Depressed and getting worse

Dear Depressed,

Surely after 10 years your husband doesn't expect you to snap your fingers and make yourself better. But he's tired, as you say. Who can say what he'll do? Perhaps he himself doesn't know. Of course he's vague: He's trying to find his way in the dark. What should you do? You should contemplate a future without him so that it doesn't come as a big shock if he leaves. You will need someone to take care of you and you should start now to think about what long-term living situation you'd prefer. If your husband seeks a divorce, the settlement must include provisions for your care and support, and you should have a voice in deciding what that will be.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am an intelligent, fun-loving girl, considered pretty, and I find that so many guys my age are turned-off by smart girls. After two years of college I have had only one boyfriend and have been hopelessly unattached for almost a year. I have no idea how to interact with guys and break the ice. I don't want to feel weird and out-of-place forever!

19 1/2

Dear 19 1/2,

One of the basic lessons of life is that none of us is universal, none of us fits everywhere, and popularity and attractiveness vary according to local conditions. So you avoid people you don't belong among and you seek out people where you feel happy and cherished. It's a foolish goose who goes to the fox's church. If you come into contact with men who aren't comfortable around an intelligent woman, you're in the wrong place. Leave. There are plenty of bright men in the world who seek equals and find intelligence attractive and erotically exciting.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My friend has started sleeping with her boyfriend's cousin, who happens to be going out with her best friend. Her best friend and her boyfriend have no idea about this. She and her boyfriend's cousin have a real physical attraction, but she doesn't want to hurt anybody. She doesn't know how to resolve these feelings and frankly I am no help at all. What's your advice? Wanting to Help

Dear Wanting to Help,

Short of suggesting you tie a dead mackerel around her neck, I'm no help either. She'll have to learn from experience, I guess. But don't you get drawn into telling lies to protect her. And make sure she knows that you won't.

Dear Mr. Blue,

After being married for 13 years, I left home for a life of adventure (encouraged to leave by my wife, let me add), and I met a young woman and fell madly in love. I was a man possessed by passion and rapture. I cared deeply for her. Soon we had a child. Life was good for about four years, and then, driven by I don't know what, I committed a terrible indiscretion with a person close to her.

She left instantly. Never looked back. I was hospitalized for depression a week after she left. Did the therapy and Paxil for six months. Days turned to night. Life has never been the same since. I know I made a terrible mistake. I have repented and asked for forgiveness many times. Eighteen months have passed and I haven't lost hope that one day she will return. We speak daily, mostly about money and our daughter. Once in a while I bring up the subject of reconciliation. She tells me she will never return to my side and the only thing she needs from me is money.

How long should I continue pursuing a reconciliation? She says I am only hurting myself by not letting her go.

Driven by hope

Dear Driven,

Keep in contact with your wife, and don't mention reconciliation. She's already answered that question. You can, however, still court her, primarily by paying attention to your daughter. Being a loving and funny father is your best chance to put yourself in a favorable light. And while you're being a great dad, maybe you should investigate the cause of that terrible indiscretion.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am a 45-year-old physician, married for 18 years, still in love with my wife and crazy about our four kids. In the last several months, I've developed an enormous crush on a lady doctor in the clinic where I work. I feel like a teenager, obsessed with thoughts of her, fantasizing all sorts of scenarios of us getting together. She's younger than I, also married, but with no children. Despite our busy days, we manage to find time at lunch or at the end of the day to have long conversations, so far fairly safe and neutral, which she seems to enjoy as much as I do. I'm afraid if this woman ever sent any stronger signals that she was interested, I would go for it. Is this a midlife crisis or what?

Doctor Torn

Dear Doctor,

Eighteen years is a long time to go without temptation, and maybe that's why it's landed on you so hard. If you savor this obsession, you can keep it in play for months or years, simply by continuing these conversations. However, a sexual overture to a colleague carries enormous risks, and you should pause to consider them: You could, without exerting yourself much, get hit with a sexual harassment action, perhaps a lawsuit, that could affect your professional future in addition to driving your wife away and alienating your four children. These playful urges do carry real risks. I suggest you invite a third person to join the conversation. And invite the lady doctor and her husband to your home for dinner. That ought to let the air out of the obsession.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I grew up in a small town in a good church where there were plenty of old couples who were devoted to each other, and though my parents were divorced, nastily, I was determined that if I ever got married we'd be one of those old couples. So five years ago I fell profoundly in love and the feeling was mutual. We married two years ago and now have a baby. And now I feel desperately trapped and pretty miserable. I don't know what happened. The respect and tenderness are gone and I spend most of my days trying to conceive a way out. I can't go on like this. The thought of therapy seems narcissistic and divorce equally so. I've usually been able to make myself think positive thoughts. But I can't think my spouse into behaving differently and I certainly can't ask him to -- in fact, he has changed very little. I think if I told him what I've told you he'd be mystified. I can't confront him about anything without him denying any recognition of what I'm talking about (no matter what the subject, he's always right). Even if he pretends to be open-minded about something, it's usually just passive condescension.

Is the hope for growing old together just old-fashioned? Is there a way to reestablish respect out of bitterness? Can you offer any hope?

Wanting out

Dear Wanting,

If you haven't told your husband that you're miserable, you need to, either straight to his face or else tell it to a marriage counselor in his presence. It's important for him to hear it, if you respect and love him. But only tell him how you feel; don't frame your misery in accusations. You can safely assume he's at least as unhappy and confused as you. Is there hope? Yes, of course. You were profoundly in love with him a few years ago, and he hasn't changed much: What's changed is that you have a baby, an exhausting experience for anybody, and one you need to work around in order to shore up the marriage. Love is a habit. You speak a kind word and perform a tender and thoughtful act, and the first attempt makes the next one easier. You restore good manners. And you start to pull out of this dive.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My wife and I are in our late 20s, quite successful, happily married. However, we also choose to take part in discreet, safe erotic fun with other married couples periodically. It's hardly a lifestyle for us, more like a hobby to add spice to our marriage. Do you think our behavior is even remotely normal? Is there any way I can talk to my friends and associates about it without them immediately assuming we are wild and crazy, hell-bound hedonists?

Open-minded in Georgia

Dear Open-minded,

The urge to have erotic fun with strangers is certainly a normal urge and probably universal. And the practice is common enough, God knows. As for your friends and associates, you know them better than I. Among my friends and associates, it would be considered weird in the extreme to discuss one's sexual exploits, whether monogamous or orgiastic or bestial or involving canned peas or hearts of artichoke or whatever. Why would you discuss it? To boast? To seek advice? To get a thrill out of shocking them?

Dear Mr. Blue,

I've stepped beyond a crossroads in my life: I got married and gave up my job to write full time. These decisions feel right, but every day I find myself sitting on the couch watching TV in an anxious stupor. My sweet husband is helpless around the house, and as I was the footloose single gal for 10 years, being home alone cooking and cleaning for a guy who can't pick up after himself reminds me of my miserable mom. As for my writing career, I've had one success and seem to be on the verge of another, but I have little money in the bank and my husband's salary is pretty meager. I feel like I've taken some great leap and am scared. Please advise!

Goofy with Anxiety

Dear Goofy,

First of all, take the damn TV and stick it in the corner of the garage and put duct tape over it. Writers write for TV, they don't watch it themselves. Secondly, look around you and decide how clean you want the house to be and figure out how many hours a week it takes to keep it that way. I assume you're living in an apartment, not a 14-room mansion, and it shouldn't take you more than four hours a week to keep things decent. Most writers spend that much time staring at a blank screen and clearing their throats. So whenever you're in a stupor, just get up and run a vacuum cleaner around and mop a bathroom floor. And then take 20 minutes to toss supper together. I'm sorry your mom was miserable but you're not her. You've got a sweet husband and you're getting some success writing. Move ahead, day by day, and do what you know you have to do. Don't put too much effort into defeating yourself.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My husband and I have been married for three years and recently had a baby, a beautiful little girl. Before the baby, I was 25 pounds lighter and had no stretch marks and wasn't too tired to keep up my looks. I want to make myself attractive for my husband, and when I don't I feel like a failure. I see him looking at other women, though he denies that he does, and he has begun to read Playboy (he thinks I don't know). He tells me that I am still attractive to him, but he looks at me differently. I am so saddened by this. I cannot diet until I wean our daughter, so I don't know what to do. What is your advice?

Mom

Dear Mom,

Men are always looking at other women. Don't worry about it. As for Playboy, it's harmless, an aid to masturbation, and you shouldn't deny that to him. Be attractive in the best way you can, and that is to be his partner, his soul mate, the mother of his child. A father is in an odd position, seeing you with your daughter at your breast --- where does he fit in exactly? Make sure he gets plenty of time with the baby, that he developes some skill in handling her and caring for her, that he feels essential, which he is. Tell him how you feel and let him reassure you that he loves you. I hope he does a good job. Every mother feels unattractive and every father feels useless. So help each other.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am a 21-year-old college student and I have a crush on my dental hygienist, who is a couple of years older than I. Are there any rules against asking out one's dental hygienist? Or can I just ask her out nonchalantly as if we had not met in the dentist's chair?

Searching for the Tooth Fairy

Dear Searching,

You don't get much time in her chair to start a conversation and establish a connection, and most of that time she has her fingers in your mouth. I guess you'll have to write her a note and leave it propped on the instrument tray. A shot in the dark, but if you write a really good letter -- better yet, a sonnet -- and if she's footloose and you don't have green teeth and she's attracted to you, you might be able to persuade her. But be sure to floss regularly. And make it a good sonnet.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My boyfriend and I (he's 28, I'm 30) have been living together for over a year. He's kind, generous, intelligent and funny, and there's just one problem: I have a much higher sex drive than he does. I'm in the mood for sex twice a week; he doesn't seem to be in the mood more than a few times a month and even then, I have to initiate the rolling. I've asked him about this very gently and he says he's stressed about his job or about debts, and I suppose that's true, but everyone in the world has things they're worried about.

I know that my boyfriend loves and is attracted to me -- he tells me so and lets me know in many non-sexual ways. And, as I said, I have virtually no complaints about our relationship other than this. Do I really have anything to complain about here? Should I just count myself lucky and try to get past this issue myself? Or might his lack of desire for me bode ill for our future together?

Anxious

Dear Anxious,

Young men are more jittery about sex than they ever let on, and if your boyfriend senses your dissatisfaction with his performance, this can paralyze him. You can excite a man by praising his erotic qualities (e.g., "Whenever I look at your naked earlobe, Eugene, I feel my uterus flutter"). I can't advise you on the long-term prospects here. I do recommend that you seek the simplest explanation first, and that would be lack of confidence, which you can help. If that's not the reason, then you can consider other fancier explanations (your hair smells bad, he's gay, he's on steroids, the FBI is after him), and deal with it accordingly. But no, don't simply accept this. You're young; don't settle for what you don't want.