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DEAR MR. BLUE: ADVICE FOR LOVERS AND WRITERS
Is three a crowd?
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July 27, 1999 |
I am having a problem with temptation. Though I am
very happy with my boyfriend, I have fantasies about a woman I have a
crush on. I have never had a homosexual experience, I have
always fantasized about them. I related this to my beau, which excited
him (big surprise). Do I pass through this looking glass? Are my feelings
for this woman real, or am I just thinking about a taboo subject? Is it worth finding out,
considering I am largely happy and fulfilled in my heterosexual
relationship? Bothered Dear Bothered, Classic questions, all three, and of course the answer isn't here, it lies with
you and the woman. You seem not to sense her attraction to you, which is crucial, and
perhaps you're unsure that she's even attracted to women at all. So you're sailing without
much to go by. Assuming that the woman is an acquaintance, not a member of the U.S.
women's soccer team or a lady in a power-tools ad, then I suppose you pursue this friendship
and spend time with her and see how you feel. And then, perhaps, you blurt out something,
as people have done for eons, lean forward and confess -- I love you, do you have any
feelings for me? And either she warms to this or she is flustered or she is horrified or she
laughs out loud -- something happens, and depending on what it is, you kiss her, or you
apologize, or you burst into tears, and then something else happens. There isn't any over-arching wisdom or formula to offer you. You are experiencing one of those Very Interesting
Situations that years from now you will tell about and of course we'll all want to hear. Dear Mr. Blue, A little over two years ago I met a foreign woman, we hit it off, and a month later
we decided to get married. So I brought her and her teenage son over here, and now I discover
that I have very little in common with her. She seems to cope with this by extending herself
socially and I cope by withdrawing into myself. I feel great responsibility for her and her
son for bringing them here, and I did make a commitment to her and would like to be
honorable, but I dread a life of boredom with her. I am not sure what
to do. Stuck in New York Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Stuck, Glad you feel responsibility. Act on that feeling. Initiate a discussion of your separate natures and needs. Bring your discontent out into the open in a frank and non-accusatory way. It isn't her fault, it isn't yours. But you have to extend yourself. To withdraw is to reach a foregone conclusion. Why build a house and then walk away from it? Why get on the train to Chicago if you don't want to go? Dear Mr. Blue, I am 37, divorced, with a 4-year old son, and can't seem to get on with my life as my ex and I have a fairly amicable arrangement by which he comes over for dinner and puts the boy to bed several times a week. He has a key for my house. I've had a couple of dates with another man, but feel I risk the wrath of the ex if he finds out. I think it is important for my son to have a relationship with his dad, but I feel I am sacrificing my own life for it. What should I do? Psyched Out Dear Psyched, This is one of those times when you have to grit your teeth and tell the plain truth. You want your former husband to stay close to your son, but this is your house, and if he comes here, he has to accept that he is a guest, and if he should come and find another guest, he has nothing to say in the matter. That's the plain truth. Don't worry about consequences before you take the first step. Dear Mr. Blue, My husband of 22 years recently told me that he didn't know whether he wanted to be married anymore. I know he is unhappy about my weight, and unfortunately I have been very depressed for a long time, about 10 years, and I'm sure he's tired of dealing with that. I'm tired of dealing with the depression myself. This condition runs in my family and is predisposed. Ten years is a long time to watch someone whittle their life away. I've quit working and stay home all day and really don't want to do much of anything. I have been with therapists off and on over the years and have tried medication. At times I feel a little better about myself, and want a life like I used to have. I used to be a very attractive, dynamic person. I don't blame him for being unhappy with me, but does he want me to change or does he want out of the marriage? He is so vague when I try to get answers. What should I do? Depressed and getting worse Dear Depressed, Surely after 10 years your husband doesn't expect you to snap your fingers and make yourself better. But he's tired, as you say. Who can say what he'll do? Perhaps he himself doesn't know. Of course he's vague: He's trying to find his way in the dark. What should you do? You should contemplate a future without him so that it doesn't come as a big shock if he leaves. You will need someone to take care of you and you should start now to think about what long-term living situation you'd prefer. If your husband seeks a divorce, the settlement must include provisions for your care and support, and you should have a voice in deciding what that will be.
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