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A year and a half ago I fell in love. The young man and I started
sleeping together. Then he returned to his former girlfriend, and we
stopped. And then when he kissed me one morning we made love again. Since then he has moved back in with his girlfriend. He and I are trying to maintain our
friendship. However, I find that when he calls me on the phone I become nauseous, and
when he talks about seeing me, I cringe. I feel guilt for having
slept with him after he was back with her, love for him that I'm trying to
kill, a sincere liking for him, plus anger and pain. Is there hope for us to continue to be
friends, and if there isn't, how do I tell him that he literally makes me ill? Troubled Dear Troubled, Physical nausea is a key indicator, not to be ignored. When it is present in a
friendship, steps must be taken by the nauseatee, usually in a direction away from the
nauseator. I know of no exception to this rule. "You make me physically ill," are words that
come to mind: strong words, but why spare him the truth? He isn't a fragile vase, he's an
active, healthy young man. Dear Mr. Blue, I'd like your views on a topic that makes almost all my contemporaries squirm.
What do people in our culture owe to our parents? I have friends from China, Africa and the
Middle East, all of whom feel that we owe our parents everything, and should take care of
them at the expense of our own plans. On the other hand, your basic well-adjusted
head-shrunk North American is almost always quick to say that they have no claims, and that the healthiest thing is to walk away. I think our culture's practice of slamming old folks into "homes" and ignoring them is cruel
and nasty, but the thought of living with my mother gives me
conniptions. Any advice? Distant Daughter Dear Distant We learn how to treat our parents from observing how they treated theirs, and
this differs considerably in different families. I had a grandmother who lived with her
daughter to the end of her days and a grandfather who was put into a nursing home when he
could no longer care for himself. My grandmother was country people, my grandfather was
city-born and bred, as were his children. But she was useful almost to the very end, baking
and tending children and cleaning, and he was not; he grew more querulous with age, and
she was sweet-tempered. So there are many variables. By and large, in our culture parents
do not wish to depend on their children or be a burden to them; parents would like to live
independently and be active and fix their own meals and have all their marbles and enjoy life
right up to the day they drop dead. By and large, children do not want to abandon their
parents to a miserable end if it is possible to help. What do you owe your parents? A sense
of gratitude. At some point, a blanket amnesty for all wrongs. And your presence and
comfort at the end. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 31, living with a very intelligent man, 38, who is fun to be with, but someone I would really like to part company with. He is just a very needy, high-maintenance guy -- uneducated, finances a disaster, can't manage his life, often behaves inappropriately in public and performs miserably in high-stress situations. And anyway he says he is not
interested in marrying me yet anyway. (My friends and family say I
should marry him under no circumstances.) There is a part of me that knows it is time to end
this relationship. But as soon as he realizes I am ready to give up, he
gets very scared and cries and begs me to wait for
him. The bottom line is, I am getting depressed and
resentful. But because his feelings are very easily hurt, I keep
my complaints to myself. How can I let him down easy and let him save face? Powderkeg in NYC Dear Powderkeg, This is your life, what you're experiencing right now; it isn't a game or a
book, and your life ought to be precious to you. You've come to a decision about this man,
one that is seconded by your loved ones, and you're not able to carry through and extricate
your life from his grasp because he weeps? Talk this over with your friends. Maybe you just need a little bucking up. It's hard to end a romance, even one that is tattered and worn and no good to anyone. But it's your life, and you are the one to defend and preserve it. It's not your responsibility to let him down easy. There's no face to be saved. Do the deed, sweep up the debris, open up the windows and air out the place, buy a new couch, get your hair cut, move on. Dear Mr. Blue, My girlfriend and I have been together over two years.
We're close friends and love each other very much, two bisexual women with a
standing agreement that each is allowed to partake in the pleasures of men (provided we are
honest and safe), but not other women. My girlfriend has an occasional lover who lives far away whom she cares for very
deeply. When he's around, I'm constantly looking over my shoulder and afraid of losing her. She's said she'd stop seeing him if it was hurting me too
much, but I know it's not what she would choose, and if I asked her to break up with him,
it'd drive a wedge between us. I know that I must either accept her seeing him or else break
up with her. The pressure is driving me insane and the thought of breaking up breaks my
heart. Any advice? Torn in two Dear Torn, If she loves you, then she can bear to hear this from you. The agreement
notwithstanding, feelings are feelings, and you ought to be able to spill yours and not have
the world come to a standstill. If you're afraid that your jealousy may drive a wedge between
you, then invent a boyfriend of your own, George, a very cool guy, and start staying out late
on Saturday nights.
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