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DEAR MR. BLUE: A bumpy ride
July 6, 1999 |
I have loved a man for the past three years and he has loved me.
We've bumped down some of the usual bumpy roads, but there have
been a couple of doozies between us. The first was my
precipitously moving out on him after we'd been living together
for six months. I was pregnant, his father had died and his need
to cling to me overwhelmed me and I ran. The house we lived in
was too small for two, so I moved into my own. My leaving worked
wonders in the relationship and we went along quite well until
last fall when he told me that he had slept with one of his taxi
fares, a stranger to him. We broke up for a few months. We got
back together and then broke up again, and he began dating several
women and having the time of his life. But we are always drawn
back to one another and have recently been seeing one another,
nonexclusively, and are having a ball. When he holds me in his arms, I want to be nowhere else but
there. When he looks at me and smiles, I am more seen than I
ever have been. He has forgiven my every transgression and I
have forgiven his. Our sexual life is out of this world. We are
good companions, laugh together and our connection is deep and
abiding. And the biggest plus of all is that he meets me
unafraid. I can be kind
of a handful. He loves to read what I write, he loves to
listen to me, and I to him. What's the problem? Can he give up
other women? He says he would, but I have a hard time believing
that. He has met a woman he feels he could be serious about and
that has woken me up. Do I want to lose this man? Part of me
does not want to lose him and part of me wants to think it is
only about sex. Any wise thoughts? Yearning and slightly befuddled Dear Yearning, It sounds to me as if you do not want to lose this
taxi driver. Your description of your feelings for him go far
beyond sex. I suggest that he has introduced the specter of the
Other Woman as a ploy to get you off the dime. So is this what
you want, sweetie? People have launched wonderful abiding
marriages on a flimsier keel than total bliss, total forgiveness
and extraterrestrial sex. I don't know. If the befuddlement is
only slight, then I wouldn't let it stop me, if I were you.
Slight befuddlement is more or less a continuous condition in
life, I find. If we paused at every instance of it, we'd hardly
get out of bed in the morning. And if sex is that good, maybe you
shouldn't. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, Only twice in my life have I met a guy with whom I've felt a true connection. I was too young to appreciate the first; the second I met a month ago. We bonded immediately, began spending a lot of time together. The problem is he has a long-term on-and-off-again girlfriend. Even though they're now "off," I told him I couldn't relax and get to know him without imagining the day he went back to her. He said he understood, that he really liked me too but didn't know me well enough to make a decision. I broke it off with him and now I'm miserable. Did I do the right thing? Mopey in Minnesota Dear Mopey, You saved yourself a lot more misery trying to help Old On-and-Off with his baggage. A romance is not a competition. Let him figure out that girlfriend by himself. Look for No. 3 and let O&O be miserable about losing lovely you. Dear Mr. Blue, What a mess. I'm a 42-year-old mother of two, married for 16 years to an antisocial, obsessive/compulsive man who criticizes and belittles me constantly. I pay him back in kind. Almost from the start, I knew I'd made a mistake, but I lacked the courage to leave. Our marriage has been rather hollow for years. I've endured rather than enjoyed sex with him. For as long as I remember we've diminished rather than enhanced one another. Nine months ago I began a love affair with a younger man (36), also married, also with children. The relationship developed gradually from friendship to the sweetest and most passionate of romances. Two weeks ago he confessed everything to his wife and left her in the hope I would join him, which I want to do with all my heart. But I fear that leaving would destroy my husband, who basically has no one but me. I want a new life, shared with this wonderful man I love. But I fear destroying my husband or awakening a streak of latent vindictiveness in him that I've seen occasionally and that I fear will be turned on me and my children. Your thoughts? Torn Dear Torn, What a mess indeed, but be brave and press forward. You strike me as honest, and I accept your assessment that you and your husband are dug deep into your trenches and you see no way to reconcile. This must be a lousy environment for your children: I assume they're in early adolescence, a time when one has a hard row of one's own to hoe without your parents going over the edge. I feel that, for your children's sake, you should not run out the door, which is what your heart tells you to do. Call a truce with your husband, if you haven't already. Tell him you're tired of the bickering. Withdraw from him as civilly as possible; sleep in another room, don't sit down to meals with him. Explain that the hostility is exhausting you, both his hostility and your own, and you need to take a break from it. You need to be polite for a while. Tell him you're willing to see a counselor with him, but you're not willing to engage in any discussion with him that has a bitter or negative tone. Take a polite tone with him and see what tack he takes. Your goal is to get him to talk to you about the marriage in some calm and levelheaded way -- not to agree with you but to be respectful toward you, and eventually to see your point of view and, if you go through with it, to accept the end of the marriage. This may take time. But if, by vindictiveness, you mean violence, then that's different. At the first sign, the first threat, of violence, call in the cops, take the kids, flee and deal with the wreckage later. I wish you well. Dear Mr. Blue, A woman I was having an intense relationship with for six months ended it abruptly and with little comment two months ago, on the phone. I was very hurt, but this stuff happens. I asked to speak to her in person to simply say a few last words, and finally, after six weeks, she called and chatted, almost as if nothing had happened. She said she had avoided me for fear that she'd want to get back together again. She quickly added, however, that her busy life would not permit any kind of serious relationship. Still, she cheerfully agreed to meet the next night. And then she blew me off. Ouch. I left one more request on her message machine to meet with her. She called and left a message saying I was annoying her and I should let her have her space. Even in my worst breakup scenarios in the past, no one has ever refused to talk to me. Any advice for going through the closure process solo if the other person refuses to participate? Is closure even necessary? Bewildered Dear Bewildered, Consider yourself closed. Or closured. Don't try to talk to someone who doesn't care to talk to you. The way to go through the closure process is to go back to the dance and enjoy being with someone who is eager to talk with you, who smiles at the sight of your face. Life is strenuous and happens quickly and we can't always stop and get our scrapbooks in order and hold hands and hum the eternal chord and exchange mantras and coordinate auras or whatever closure involves. I say, forget that phone number. It's busy.
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