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For love or money? | page 1, 2
I am a beginning comedy writer looking for advice on how to develop
my skills. I like the challenge of being funny. I've read famous humorists,
read books on comedy writing, listened to sketches and monologues. What
else should I be doing to develop? Funny ain't as easy as it seems. Pete Dear Pete, First of all, get a new name. Pete is a guy whose office you go
to to talk about your lousy childhood. Or he's the guy who replaces your
muffler. He's not a guy who tells jokes that make milk come out of
people's nostrils. Second, if you didn't have a lousy childhood, try to get
one. It's the first source of comedy: accusing your parents, belittling
them, holding them up to ridicule. If your parents are wonderful people,
get a new pair. Third, be brash. Comedy is done in bold strokes. It differs
from physics in this regard. Don't tiptoe around. Fourth, get yourself into
a situation where you have to do funny stuff, open stage at the comedy
club, and stand up there and die like a man. And then regroup and go
back and die again. How about Victor Feldman for a name? A name that
is vaguely dentist-like. Do you have a pair of comedy pants? Get some, if
you don't, and a comedy shirt. Then you're on your own, bucko. Dear Mr. Blue, I thought I had the perfect marriage. For eight years, my husband was the
most loving, sensitive, understanding and considerate person I had ever
known. He made me laugh. We were best friends. Our hearts and souls
seemed to be woven together. I was
crazy about him. Then, almost overnight, my husband changed and
became preoccupied, cold and dismissive. I sensed he was angry with me,
but he said I was
overreacting. I have bided my time and tried to make our home life
happy and
peaceful. He hasn't softened up at all, though. We haven't had sex in
almost a year. When I tell him how much I miss what we used to have
together, he shrugs and says only, "I'm doing the best I can; this is
just the way I am." I love my husband, but I don't understand what's
happened to us, and he's not saying. I am positive there isn't another
woman. Can our marriage be salvaged, and if so, how? Freezing to death Dear Freezing, Some dark force has gotten your best friend in its grip,
and my first guess is depression, but of course I don't know. This
behavior is not normal. He needs help. I wish I could advise on strategy.
It seems to me that you've done the right thing in trying to maintain an
even keel, but obviously something more is needed. It may be necessary
for you to force the issue. Men are sensitive creatures, susceptible to
stress, susceptible to all sorts of things. Something makes me think that
alcohol could be a factor here. Is it? You need some allies. Are there
family members you can talk to, who can be trusted to keep a
confidence? Yes, the marriage can be salvaged. If, for example, he is in
the grip of a depression, perhaps one exacerbated by alcohol, good
treatment could swing him around in short order, but he is in a cell and it
needs to be unlocked. No matter how cold and dismissive he seems, keep
telling him that you love him. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a single mom of 36 trying to make a living in a competitive,
family-unfriendly corporation and also trying to make films. I'm
completing my first
short film, which for its many flaws is earnest and good-hearted and tells
a
story. I have a camera, I have ideas, I have unfinished scripts and a desire
to tell my stories. I also have a nagging feeling that I'm not good enough
and never will be, and I fight this nagging every day. And then I meet
young men who are making films that are
not that great that they are very proud of and not afraid to show to anyone
who will see them.
My stories are not dark, they are not trendy, they are about heroes and
heroines. Simple stories about people who are struggling toward a goal. I
believe that the world needs more hero stories, especially when the heroes
are women.
How do I start thinking more like these male filmmakers? I admire their
confidence and
I want it too. Practicing bravery and trying to get out of my own way Dear Practicing, Don't covet the arrogance of young men. If you have
good stories to tell, then you have something the world wants and you'll
find a way to tell them. The nagging feeling is not meant to stop you but
to push you: None of us is quite good enough and we keep working at it
and someday we may suddenly be good in ways we couldn't have
predicted. I admire your enterprise and perseverance. Good luck. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm really hurting. I know what I have to do, but I don't know how. I'm in
love with a married man who lives 400 miles away. This is a
story that cannot end happily, and if I'm smart I'll put a stop to it. And
yet ... He is a truly rare, extraordinary, beautiful man. He helped me get through
the breakup of a five-year love affair with a man I was set to marry. He
has spurred my creativity and returned me to the
joy of writing. Our conversations are deep, heartfelt, challenging,
meaningful. Our sexual encounters have been hot and sensual. Even at this
distance he makes me feel
smarter, sexier and more wonderful than I'd thought possible. Of course, this cannot continue; I believe he loves me, but I
know he also loves his wife and will not leave her. He has been honest
about this from the beginning. I feel like I'm caught in some novel about
star-crossed lovers. If I thought we could manage being friends without
lust tripping
us up, I'd do it. But we've tried, and we are both too weak to resist this
dark impulse, which borders on obsession. Can this be ended cleanly, once and for all? Am I bound to continue
endlessly pining for him after the ax has fallen? We have been caught in
one another's nets for such a long time. For seven years, over and over
we have danced in circles around one another despite obstacles too
numerous to name. If I can't be with him exclusively and for the rest of
our days, I know it would be best not to have any contact at all. It's
just that the prospect causes me no end of despair. How do I find the
courage to do what's right? Cliché Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Cliché, Yes, this affair can be ended, if you choose to, and no, it's not going to be clean. It's going to be bloody and messy and tearful and anguished, but then so is your life dancing around him, and it isn't going to be easier to finish off this bastard a year from now, so you'd better just nail your shoes to the floor and do it now. Toss all his letters and gifts and memoirs and every photograph of him into a box and stuff it into a bin in one of those rental storage places. Clean your house and throw out everything you don't need or love. Rearrange your furniture. Turn the bed around. Paint the kitchen. Go to church. Take a trip. Just keep jiggling your life, to reduce the pain. And the pain will gradually recede and go away, and gradually you'll get your life back. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a 30-year-old woman who, like most everyone else, had my heart broken a couple times during my 20s, and also went through some tough career issues. Now, I'm involved with a man I love with all my heart and who also loves me, and I'm starting a challenging new career. And yet I find myself slipping into cynicism sometimes, an old habit, taking a negative slant. I'd hate to let it keep me from believing in my new life. How does a person keep a positive attitude? Mantras? Jokes? Angst Addict Dear Angst, Cynicism is waiting out there for all of us every single day, like a horned toad in the flowers, saying, "Your life is meaningless, nobody loves you, and you don't love anybody, gribbet." And you simply tell him to shut up. Jokes are good, as a pure art form. Smiling helps. So does singing "Oklahoma" in the shower, or "Side By Side," or "Let the Rest of the World Go By," or your choice of great dumb happy songs. You do want to keep a little store of negativity on hand, though, for good luck. Like a gargoyle you put on the house to keep evil away. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 46-year-old woman, dating a 59-year-old man these past two years. The bottom line is: I want this to move to marriage. He's willing to consider marriage if we live together first to see how we get along. The idea of living together is abhorrent to me: I think you commit to each other and work out your daily stuff as you go along. Plus, I'd have to move 50 miles away, adding an hour each day to my commute, and live in a house that I don't really care for -- I'd do it for a husband, but not a roommate. What's your view? Annoyed Dear Annoyed, If you don't like his house and you're concerned about the inconvenience of the commute time, you ought to think twice before you marry the gentleman. It doesn't sound as if the joy of his company is of sufficient wattage. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm so goddamn shy it's driving me crazy. I'm in my first corporate job and I can hardly assert myself, and it's just getting worse. I speak up in meetings and get panic attacks and it's even worse when I speak with my boss. I get red in the face. He even mentioned my lack of self-confidence to me. My timidity is really depressing me, and I feel like I can't find the courage to crawl out of my scared little hole and stand up for myself. It is a sad state to have no courage. Arghhhhhhhhhh Dear Arghhhhhhhhhh, Be patient. Work the corners. Don't retreat. Focus on your analytical strengths. Sit back, let the windbags blow, let the pompous and the self-infatuated strut, and you be the one who figures out the bottom line, who gets the clue, who sums up the problem in a few words. Be good, in other words, and this will give you the courage to speak. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm an English major concentrating in writing at a university. I enjoy all genres of writing but find that when writing nonfiction, I have a problem writing in my voice. Everything seems forced and tight. I have a sense of humor but find it hard to get that on paper. Any ideas? Needs to Relax Dear Needs, In writing nonfiction, getting your voice on paper is not the first concern.
Think of yourself as a carpenter and put your skills at the service of others
and get their voices on paper. Exercise some idealism, and put yourself at
the service of persons who are in distress, who don't have your
advantages, who must endure indignity, and try to convey their common
humanity. That's where nonfiction has to start: the privileged and
educated descending into dark and dangerous regions and bringing back
the news and finding their voice in the process. Don't force anything. The
world is full of news, the streets are littered with messages, and you
simply walk around and collect them. Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue.
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