To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > Books June 22, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/books/col/keil/1999/06/22/imbalance True love or just chemical imbalance? I can't get the lover I abandoned 25 years ago off my mind. Why does this torment me so? - - - - - - - - - - - - By Garrison Keillor Dear Mr. Blue, I have been happily married for 22 years to a wonderful man. We have three beautiful girls, caring friends, a lovely house. Two years ago I ran into a man I had been in love with 25 years ago. We spent three hours talking and reminiscing, and now not a day passes that I don't think of our conversation. I ended our relationship in distress over the tragic death of a parent and confusion about a career and terrible mood swings; I took off and never looked back until now. Now I am obsessed about it: why I left, why I shouldn't have, what I might have missed. I need to find peace within myself. I pray, I cry, I write a great deal, I stay involved, I get therapy, I talk to friends I can trust, I work on keeping a positive outlook on life. Why does this torment me so? I am so sorry it happened. It is like a death that has never been grieved over. Here we are, both still alive, both happily married, neither of us the type that would do anything stupid, but how do you heal and find closure when you still love the person you were estranged from for reasons out of your control? My therapist tells me I feel this way not for any rational reason, but when my chemical imbalance kicks in (even though I am on medication and take it faithfully). Anxious Dear Anxious, I know nothing about pharmacology. I do question the happenstance of the meeting with Old Blue, and I question that you were estranged from him 25 years ago for reasons out of your control. For whatever reason, he was not your port in the storm and you sailed away and chose to take your confusion and depression elsewhere. And my suspicion -- only you know if I'm right -- is that you're going back and picking up this old love affair, as one might glance at an old book. That's OK. But this man can't help you grieve or understand what happened way back when. And you've not injured him in any way you should feel sorry about. Are you actually a happy person who has become fascinated with a dark episode? That's legitimate, but then understand this as an inquiry pursued for its own sake, having no particular weight or relevance, as if you were to be suddenly fascinated by the giant sea tortoise. Don't take it as your cue to sell the house and move to Galapagos. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a woman in my late 20s who rushed to marry Mr. Nice four years ago. I married for stability and he is very responsible and works hard to support me and our young child, but I feel little connection to him. I'm working on a novel, and when I read him an excerpt he tells me to hurry up and finish it so I can make lots of money and he can retire. He comes back from a long business trip and we talk for about five minutes about what we did while we were apart and that's all. There doesn't seem to be anything that he likes to do with me, or with anyone else. He sounds depressed, but this just seems to be the way he is. I need to be with someone who is kind to me, who likes to hold me and laugh and talk with me. He seems fixated on his own needs and not that interested in being a father to his son. If he were abusive the solution would be clear. Instead, he is just neglectful and inconsiderate. I don't know what to do. Lonely Dear Lonely, You make your husband sound like an automaton. Surely he has some personality, some history, a sense of humor, affections, some trait other than stability. Don't walk away from this marriage, shopping for Mr. Movie. Perhaps your husband really is depressed. Try working on that assumption. There is treatment for depression. Are you able to suggest he seek help without making it sound like an indictment? Depression is a grim state, in which a person feels incapable and unworthy of holding and being held, and laughter seems part of a former life. It also sounds as if your husband is frustrated at work. But don't assume, for your own convenience, that "this just seems to be the way he is." He's in trouble, maybe in danger. You're married to him. Have a heart and help him. Put aside this bill of particulars you've written and try to get the poor guy out of the slough of despond. Dear Mr. Blue, I dated my former boyfriend for four years -- a sweet, sweet man, but I had no passion for him. He was so hurt and bitter that we couldn't continue as friends. Now, three years later, I am living on the other side of the country and am engaged to be married to a wonderful man. I have heard, through mutual friends, that my ex is still very wounded by our breakup, is still single and continues to talk about me as though I left yesterday. Some suggest he is obsessed with the memory of our relationship. Should I phone him and tell him I'm getting married, or let him find out through friends? I don't relish the thought of phoning him, but I wonder if it would be kinder. August Bride Dear August, It's thoughtful of you to consider your ex's feelings, but there is a fine line here between informing him of your situation and waving your happiness in his face. For a mission so delicate, a personal letter is the medium of choice, not the telephone. Draft a hundred words or less that say exactly what you mean -- I'm marrying someone, I love him and I wish you well and will always remember our good times -- and send it off. But take a moment to consider your own feelings. Does your apparent interest in the ex's "obsession" with you reveal some lingering fascination with him? No? Good. Dear Mr. Blue, I feel I am always looking for a definitive answer that I will never find. Is there a point in life where we give up looking for definitive answers and just enjoy our loved ones and our work? I am often obsessed with finding out the truth, and usually this leads me to believe destructive ideas about my relationships with other people. Most of the time, however, I appreciate my fiancé and my loved ones and consider my relationships to be healthy. In those times of panic, how can I tell if there is any basis for my fears? Tired of second-guessing Dear Tired, You don't offer a clue as to what sort of definitive answer you're looking for -- inner peace, a just society, a clearer skin -- but my guess is that you may be trying too hard to ascend the mountain of the Good & True & Beautiful and that if you take the short view and focus on the here and now and your loved ones down here in Pleasant Valley, the definitive truth will sneak up on you, and you'll know it, even if you don't have words for it. But you're not talking to a guru here, you understand, just a guy in a bathrobe drinking coffee. And my feeling is that life on the mountain is chilly and not that much fun. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a young freelance writer working on my first novel and getting ready to marry the woman I love this fall. In order to make money, I've had to take on a lot of magazine projects and take a secretarial job at a real estate company. Neither job is hard or unpleasant. But do you have any tips on keeping on track? I don't want this book to slip away. Happy Man Dear Happy Man, The danger is the magazine writing. A writer can't be doing 10 things at once, and if you're cranking out "Ten Tips for Making More Attractive Closets" and "Twenty Ways to Achieve Ecstasy in Topeka," it's going to drain you of the energy and enthusiasm you need to complete "Methodist Sex Vixens: A Novel." If the novel is trembling, shimmering, on the verge of completion, drop everything else and finish it, and let the woman you love wait until spring. If the novel is in an early stage, make appointments with it and keep them. Give over one day a week to it and go to bed early the night before. Or meet it every morning at 5 a.m. and give it three hours before you do anything else. Dear Mr. Blue, I quit smoking three years ago. The next day, I put away my writing, too. Smokes and writing are entwined in my psyche, it seems. Whenever I imagine writing I imagine a mad dash to the nearest convenience store. The thought of trying to write without cigarettes is horrifying to me, but I miss my journal! I'm being a wimp, but I don't know how to shake this. Shaky Grounds Dear Shaky, Take your notebook to the stately reference room of your public library where smoking is forbidden and sit down and write. If you wrote on a typewriter back in your tobacco days, try pen and paper now. After three years, your addiction is gone. You are struggling with a phantom. It is your choice whether to smoke or not, and whether to write or not. You can do one, do both, do neither, as you wish. But the old habit is gone. And if you started writing again, the ghost of it would evaporate pretty quickly. Dear Mr. Blue: In my younger years I had three huge love affairs, each of which broke my heart, and after the last one I took a few years off. Now I'm 34, and I've met a really great man. We're living together, we get along really well, we make each other laugh, we have great sex and every day I'm happy to go home to him. The idea of marrying him feels right. I'm sure I love him, but I don't feel that same sense of "overwhelmed by love" that I had in my earlier relationships. I notice its absence and wonder what it means. Should I be looking for a relationship with more intensity, or do I have a good thing going? Happy, but afraid to miss out Dear Happy, You sound as if you really love this guy. And of course your romance with him can't be the same experience that a romance 10 or 15 years ago was. A person is capable of an emotional purity in her younger days that can't be replicated later. No romance can be replicated; each has its own ethos and beauty. Your first three lovers were your education and prepared you for the fourth; be grateful to them, but accept your man for the happiness he is. Past a certain age, we can't be overwhelmed in the same way, my dear: We know too much, we've had experience, but it's that experience that guides us to something happier than being overwhelmed. Please don't shop around for intensity if you love the man you're with. Dear Mr. Blue, I have been married for 11 years to a man I have adored since the day we met. A year and a half ago, I discovered his affair with a co-worker. He refused to end it, then tried, then failed -- and so on and so on -- throwing me into a period of the most intense and sustained pain imaginable. I am mostly OK now -- still in love with him but clear that our relationship cannot work right now because he cannot give up the other woman and he does not feel passion for me. A month ago, after I told him I was planning to file for divorce, he proposed that we try again to see if we could reconcile. I agreed, with trepidation but ever hopeful. But he never got around to breaking up with her, which devastated me. I have resolved to serve him with divorce papers as soon as my lawyer can draft them up, and I am hoping that the finality of the divorce will help me move on. The problem is that there's still a little voice inside my head telling me that he'll want me back one day, and that little hope feels comforting. Am I just sabotaging my own recovery by clinging to this hope? Put another way: Can I will myself to stop loving him? Sad but Hopeful Dear Sad, You will hear all sorts of voices and wishful thoughts and wonder how you could make things different, but you are not in charge of this situation now: he is, having decided to take up with someone else. And you must separate yourself from him so that you can take charge of your own story and not be the victim in his. This means forging ahead with the divorce. Don't waste time trying to figure out your husband. Invest some time in thinking about what you would like to do in the next six months. Cook up plans to do things and see people who make you happy. That's your first step out of this misery, the pursuit of personal pleasure. Dear Mr. Blue, I dated a woman in high school 40 years ago, and since then we've stayed in touch and kept track of each others' marriages and divorces and now, grandkids. She has moved back to our hometown, not far from where I live, and a couple summers ago I asked her why she broke up with me after I joined the Army. "Because you never wrote," she said. So I wrote her some letters. I have wanted to rekindle our old friendship at least, and if she showed interest I would write more letters; I suppose I have written 20,000 words to her by now, and it is becoming heartbreaking. She has a much tougher heart than I. I am hopelessly at sea in this matter and hoping you can help. Far from shore Dear Far, This is a sweet story, a man courting an old love, and I wish you well. But of course you know the heart has its own wisdom, and hers may no longer be open to you. There's no advice to give. Yours is a noble pursuit, and I am rooting for you, that's all. Dear Mr. Blue, I've been married to a wonderful man for 18 months. We have a home in the city and 40 acres in the mountains. Recently his ex-girlfriend has moved close to our mountain retreat. She used to spend a lot of time at the place. I asked my husband what he would say if the ex-girlfriend wanted to spend time at our property, and to my horror, he said that she would be welcome, that he considered her part of his family and that his loyalty to her was as deep as his loyalty to me. I am crushed. I do not want to share our real estate with his ex. What do you make of this? Devastated Dear Devastated, Don't try to measure loyalty. Don't get in a territorial fight. If he wants to be friends with his ex, then he's going to, and you'd do better to put on a hospitable face and learn to be pleasant around her. There are ways to fight this fight, but be wise, don't do it head on. And don't turn your back and sit in the city and be devastated and let Mountain Girl walk yodeling through the forest. Invite her to dinner and kill her with kindness, is my advice. Become her new best friend. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 29, married less than a year and just had my second child. Since the baby I have felt sooooo unattractive. My wonderful husband tells me every day how pretty I am, but I feel like I look disgusting. Since the baby, my husband and I have only been intimate four times. It's not that I am not attracted to my husband, it's just that I feel so unattractive myself. What is wrong with me? Wanting-to-feel-Pretty Dear Wanting, Four times in the first four months after childbirth strikes me as above average, maybe even an all-time record in your county. Giving birth is a large event -- that's why we pay homage on Mother's Day -- and the first year of a baby's life is a real marathon, and depression seems to be part of it. An anxious, sleep-deprived lady who has just extruded an 8-pound person cannot be expected to play the seductress. I mean, you sound lovely but you're not immortal. Exercise is a good all-purpose tonic for feeling unattractive. Pop the baby in the stroller every day and go for long, brisk walks. See if your wonderful husband can't spring you loose so you can go to a health club, jump around and sit in a steam room. And you undoubtedly could use more sleep. And you're doing fine. Dear Mr Blue, I am a 29-year-old writer who has not really written for three years, since the start of my present romance, except for a salvo of letters home when I was overseas alone for a month. I have been diagnosed as having depression, but I don't think that's the cause. It's a motivation thing. I'm not lazy, but I have an abnormally high moment of inertia. I'm sure I could write if I had a timetable, say a weekly column, with an editor bashing me to get it done. I'm tired of not writing. I miss writing. Even writing this letter was a small catharsis. So how do I get up the energy to look for such a job, and how does one tell a prospective employer that one is unmotivated? Inert in Saskatoon Dear Inert, Confessing to lack of motivation is an awkward moment in any job interview. It tends to broaden the employer's role in the direction of therapy, and your chance of finding an employer eager to solve your motivation problem is slight, I would think, though perhaps things are different in Saskatoon. You'd have to be a brilliant writer for an editor to be willing to bash you every week. Are you? Maybe your high moment of inertia is a sensible reluctance to write under insufficient pressure, not having enough you really want to say. It's like my inertia when it comes to badminton. I just don't get the thrills from it that other people do. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a writer who lounges around the cafe with a notebook looking disaffected and writing nothing but odd scraps of stories and essays. I had pretty much accepted the fact that I suck, when all of a sudden my fragments of stuff appeared in a heap before me and cried out with one voice, "Publish us! All texts are incomplete! We represent neither narrative nor argument but the raw matter of experience itself, and hence are more honest and uncompromising than a regular-type author's wicked attempts to impose a hegemonic form on his interaction with the reader! Our very half-assedness is our integrity!" So I was going to dump all my papers in a box and send them to a publisher, encouraging him to make of them what he will. Do you think I have any chance at all of getting away with this? Postmodern in Petaluma Dear Postmodern, Ever since "The Bridges of Madison County" and the rise of the postmodern memoir -- the book about writing a book about thinking about writing a memoir -- I don't pretend to know a thing about what is publishable or what the American people will take to its collective bosom. I think the journal of a disaffected coffee drinker in the Poultry Capital of California could be a terrific read, especially if it's as witty as your letter. Do not, however, send this box to me and do not send it to David Talbot, editor of Salon, in his luxurious walnut-paneled office on Mission Street in San Francisco. He'll have enough to do trying to piece together my next column, which I will send him in the form of random sentences and clusters of words and entries torn from the dictionary. Dear Mr. Blue, I've written for my own spiritual and artistic fulfillment, never intending to be published, and then got this one idea that is too big to be put down in short form and that I'm sure other people could benefit from reading, so I've been letting it stew and develop in my head before I start taking up time writing it down. Now I feel apprehension about starting to write it. I'm afraid that once I start writing it down it will just seem like some dumb story. How can I convince myself that my writing is good enough to do my thoughts justice, never having had anything published before? Inexperienced but Inspired A Transmission From Planet JIM Dear Planet, This apprehension is part of the joy of creation. If we could simply squeeze our heads and produce a stream of prose out our left nostrils, it wouldn't be half so much fun. Don't worry about not being good enough. Go write what you need to write. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 28-year-old grad student in love with an extremely attractive woman who says she loves me but hates the city we live in so has taken a job in another city and is moving in August. I plan to go with her. She won't consider a long-distance relationship. I can transfer to another school (not as prestigious as this) and get my degree. I would be miserable if I stayed here and let her go. Though it frightens me that she means more to me than this particular school's degree. Am I nuts? Is she selfish for not considering staying? Is it OK to give up some goals for the potential of Love? No Right Answer Dear No Right, Go and Godspeed and vive l'amour. So you're giving up Harvard for Western South Dakota Tech. If you're in love, follow her. Is she selfish? I don't know. But she's honest about what she wants, and that's good. You can find ways to demonstrate your talent and smarts even if your degree is from a mediocre school. Don't be frightened. That's your parents' job, not yours. salon.com | June 22, 1999