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DEAR MR. BLUE: True love or just chemical imbalance?
June 22, 1999 |
I have been happily married for 22 years to a wonderful man. We
have three beautiful girls, caring friends, a lovely house. Two years ago I
ran into a man I had been in love with 25 years ago. We spent
three hours talking and reminiscing, and now not a day passes that I don't
think of our conversation. I ended our relationship in distress over the
tragic death of a parent and confusion about a career and terrible mood
swings; I took off and never looked back until now. Now I am obsessed
about it: why I left, why I shouldn't have, what I might have missed. I
need to find peace within myself. I pray, I cry, I write a great deal, I stay
involved, I get therapy, I talk to friends I can trust, I work on keeping
a positive outlook on life. Why does this torment me so? I am so sorry it
happened. It is like a death that has never been grieved over. Here we
are, both still alive, both happily married, neither of us the type that
would do anything stupid, but how do you heal and find closure when you
still love the person you were estranged from for reasons out of your
control? My therapist tells me I feel this way not for any rational reason,
but when my chemical imbalance kicks in (even though I am on
medication and take it faithfully). Anxious Dear Anxious, I know nothing about pharmacology. I do question the
happenstance of the meeting with Old Blue, and I question that you were
estranged from him 25 years ago for reasons out of your control.
For whatever reason, he was not your port in the storm and you sailed
away and chose to take your confusion and depression elsewhere. And my
suspicion -- only you know if I'm right -- is that you're going back and
picking up this old love affair, as one might glance at an old book. That's
OK. But this man can't help you grieve or understand what happened
way back when. And you've not injured him in any way you should feel
sorry about. Are you actually a happy person who has become fascinated
with a dark episode? That's legitimate, but then understand this as an
inquiry pursued for its own sake, having no particular weight or relevance,
as if you were to be suddenly fascinated by the giant sea tortoise. Don't
take it as your cue to sell the house and move to Galapagos. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a woman in my late 20s who rushed to marry
Mr. Nice four
years ago. I married for stability and he is very responsible and
works hard to support me and our young child, but I feel little
connection to him. I'm working on a novel, and when I read him an
excerpt he tells me to hurry up and finish it so I can make lots of money
and he can retire. He comes back from a long business trip and we talk
for about five minutes about what we did while we were apart and that's
all. There doesn't seem to be anything that he likes to do
with me, or with anyone else. He sounds depressed, but this just seems to
be the way he is. I need to be with someone who is kind to me, who likes to hold me and
laugh and talk with me. He seems fixated on his own needs and not that
interested in being a father to his son. If he were abusive the solution
would be clear. Instead, he is just neglectful and inconsiderate. I don't
know what to do. Lonely Dear Lonely, You make your husband sound like an automaton. Surely he
has some personality, some history, a sense of humor, affections, some
trait other than stability. Don't walk away from this marriage, shopping
for Mr. Movie. Perhaps your husband really is depressed. Try working on
that assumption. There is treatment for depression. Are you able to
suggest he seek help without making it sound like an indictment?
Depression is a grim state, in which a person feels incapable and unworthy
of holding and being held, and laughter seems part of a former life. It also
sounds as if your husband is frustrated at work. But don't assume, for
your own convenience, that "this just seems to be the way he is." He's in
trouble, maybe in danger. You're married to him. Have a heart and help
him. Put aside this bill of particulars you've written and try to get the
poor guy out of the slough of despond. Dear Mr. Blue, I dated my former boyfriend for four years -- a sweet, sweet man, but I
had no passion for him. He was so hurt and bitter that we couldn't
continue as friends. Now, three years later, I am living on the other side
of the country and am engaged to be married to a wonderful man. I have
heard, through mutual friends, that my ex is still very wounded by our
breakup, is still single and continues to talk about me as though I left
yesterday. Some suggest he is obsessed with the memory of our
relationship. Should I phone him and tell him I'm getting married, or let him find out
through friends? I don't relish the thought of phoning him, but I wonder
if it would be kinder. August Bride Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear August, It's thoughtful of you to consider your ex's feelings, but there is a fine line here between informing him of your situation and waving your happiness in his face. For a mission so delicate, a personal letter is the medium of choice, not the telephone. Draft a hundred words or less that say exactly what you mean -- I'm marrying someone, I love him and I wish you well and will always remember our good times -- and send it off. But take a moment to consider your own feelings. Does your apparent interest in the ex's "obsession" with you reveal some lingering fascination with him? No? Good. Dear Mr. Blue, I feel I am always looking for a definitive answer that I will never find. Is there a point in life where we give up looking for definitive answers and just enjoy our loved ones and our work? I am often obsessed with finding out the truth, and usually this leads me to believe destructive ideas about my relationships with other people. Most of the time, however, I appreciate my fiancé and my loved ones and consider my relationships to be healthy. In those times of panic, how can I tell if there is any basis for my fears? Tired of second-guessing Dear Tired, You don't offer a clue as to what sort of definitive answer you're looking for -- inner peace, a just society, a clearer skin -- but my guess is that you may be trying too hard to ascend the mountain of the Good & True & Beautiful and that if you take the short view and focus on the here and now and your loved ones down here in Pleasant Valley, the definitive truth will sneak up on you, and you'll know it, even if you don't have words for it. But you're not talking to a guru here, you understand, just a guy in a bathrobe drinking coffee. And my feeling is that life on the mountain is chilly and not that much fun. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a young freelance writer working on my first novel and getting ready to marry the woman I love this fall. In order to make money, I've had to take on a lot of magazine projects and take a secretarial job at a real estate company. Neither job is hard or unpleasant. But do you have any tips on keeping on track? I don't want this book to slip away. Happy Man Dear Happy Man, The danger is the magazine writing. A writer can't be doing 10 things at once, and if you're cranking out "Ten Tips for Making More Attractive Closets" and "Twenty Ways to Achieve Ecstasy in Topeka," it's going to drain you of the energy and enthusiasm you need to complete "Methodist Sex Vixens: A Novel." If the novel is trembling, shimmering, on the verge of completion, drop everything else and finish it, and let the woman you love wait until spring. If the novel is in an early stage, make appointments with it and keep them. Give over one day a week to it and go to bed early the night before. Or meet it every morning at 5 a.m. and give it three hours before you do anything else. Dear Mr. Blue, I quit smoking three years ago. The next day, I put away my writing, too. Smokes and writing are entwined in my psyche, it seems. Whenever I imagine writing I imagine a mad dash to the nearest convenience store. The thought of trying to write without cigarettes is horrifying to me, but I miss my journal! I'm being a wimp, but I don't know how to shake this. Shaky Grounds Dear Shaky, Take your notebook to the stately reference room of your public library where smoking is forbidden and sit down and write. If you wrote on a typewriter back in your tobacco days, try pen and paper now. After three years, your addiction is gone. You are struggling with a phantom. It is your choice whether to smoke or not, and whether to write or not. You can do one, do both, do neither, as you wish. But the old habit is gone. And if you started writing again, the ghost of it would evaporate pretty quickly. Dear Mr. Blue: In my younger years I had three huge love affairs, each of which broke my heart, and after the last one I took a few years off. Now I'm 34, and I've met a really great man. We're living together, we get along really well, we make each other laugh, we have great sex and every day I'm happy to go home to him. The idea of marrying him feels right. I'm sure I love him, but I don't feel that same sense of "overwhelmed by love" that I had in my earlier relationships. I notice its absence and wonder what it means. Should I be looking for a relationship with more intensity, or do I have a good thing going? Happy, but afraid to miss out Dear Happy, You sound as if you really love this guy. And of course your romance with him can't be the same experience that a romance 10 or 15 years ago was. A person is capable of an emotional purity in her younger days that can't be replicated later. No romance can be replicated; each has its own ethos and beauty. Your first three lovers were your education and prepared you for the fourth; be grateful to them, but accept your man for the happiness he is. Past a certain age, we can't be overwhelmed in the same way, my dear: We know too much, we've had experience, but it's that experience that guides us to something happier than being overwhelmed. Please don't shop around for intensity if you love the man you're with.
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