I am a former would-be writer whose 30th year included breaking up with my fiancée, putting my dog to sleep and taking up smoking again. I have even more foreboding about 31. I spent most of my 20s after college waiting tables and learning to write. I was a bum. I'd sit in the coffee shop all day and read Heraclitus and Wittgenstein and Joyce and Nabokov while smoking cigarettes and drinking too much cappuccino. I got published a few times, won some awards and scraped up enough cash to live on. Then I met her. I fell in love. I quit smoking. We lived together for three years. I got a corporate job and started making money. I got a dog. My writing went in the shit-hole. My relationship followed. Now I'm single again, working a corporate job and haven't written a word in six months -- about the same time I last got laid. Here's the trouble: I'm uncertain about being a has-been writer working a job; I think I'm a bum at heart. I want to finish my book, but it seems like all the women I meet have credit-rating and odd-sleep-habits radar. What should I do? Give up the corporate world and go back to the Heraclitus and cigarettes, or settle down with the babe up in Product Marketing who thinks Plato comes in cans of primary colors? Is trepanation an option here?

My ex-husband has written me four or five long letters apologizing for his bad behavior the last two years of the marriage. He was sexually promiscuous -- I think "predatory" is the word -- and he drank heavily and did stupid things that embarrassed me and the children, but hey, enough is enough. It was six years ago. I don't care anymore. I told him that I forgave him and he's still apologizing. What to do?

I am 44, have ended a 25-year marriage and now find myself in a romantic relationship with a woman I was close friends with before the split, though she was not the cause of it. She is 36, and although very attractive and wonderful, has difficulty seeing herself in a relationship. On the other hand, all I know is how to be part of a couple. I tend to stay very linear in my feelings toward her, while she bounces back and forth between being in love and running away. This makes me crazy, yet I love her desperately.

Tell me, how do we reconcile such profound differences between us?

Three years ago I started writing a novel. It got sidetracked by self-doubt and procrastination and the birth of our son. My wife and I both work, and she often says I should go back to writing the book, and she'll support the family. Her recent promotion makes her offer realistic, and we had planned for me to stop working anyway after the birth of our second child next year (if all goes according to plan). However, caring for two small children will mean I won't be able to write. If I don't finish my novel, my world will still be complete and, let's face it, quitting now will also make our financial situation somewhat uncertain. Many a strong relationship has floundered on the rocks of financial trouble. Writing does not necessarily come naturally (or quickly) to me, but I do enjoy the process and I am excited about my story. Should I try to finish a novel that, statistically speaking, won't come anywhere near the printing press?

My ex-girlfriend is pregnant. All along I told her I didn't want children and now she wants me to move in with her and help her raise the child and eventually marry her. But I don't want to marry her. I don't love her. I'm doing all I can to prepare for the child, and I'll support it and love it, but I can't see doing it with someone who will probably hate me for not committing to her. I've been wanting to date after our breakup, but I haven't because I feel guilty dating someone else when I'm about to become a father for the first time. To summarize: HELP! MY LIFE'S A MESS!

I've been with the same woman for almost 20 years, married for 15 of those. She is incredibly jealous of my friends, both male and female, and has harbored suspicions about me from the start. I've always had fantasies and even flirted a couple of times but never came close to having an affair. She is a controlling type, and my anger toward her is increasing daily. I am seeing a therapist, but what I really want is to lead a normal life. I am a writer of sorts and she resents my keeping my ideas to myself. I think what she always wanted was to be married to her old college roommate. Any advice would be appreciated.

In early April, an old friend came to visit and we played music together for two evenings and talked and had a good time. The next day my friend left with no notice. I woke up, he was gone. I sent him an e-mail asking what happened, and he responded, telling me I was mean, rude, condescending and abusive. After thinking it over objectively, I think his accusation has more to do with him than with me. He is bright, compassionate, creative and nearing a Ph.D. in psychology, but he has been a daily marijuana smoker for many years. He recently attempted suicide. I'm not looking for someone to take my side, nor am I looking to compromise myself in order to save the friendship. I'm looking for grounded advice on a direction to take toward resolve.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, get along amazingly well and have a fun time together. The problem is that we don't seem to be in love. We've talked about it, and we agree that we're not, but then how do you know? I've been in love once; he says he never has. He figures, "You know when you have to go to the bathroom; so you must know when you're in love." Is he right? How do you know? How do you define being "in love"?