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Should I take the plunge? - - - - - - - - - - - - April 13, 1999 | I am a part-time yoga teacher and aspiring screenwriter living in L.A.,
married for 12 years to a thoughtful, kind, lovely man who appreciates my sense of humor
and loves music the way I do. Unfortunately, I am not (and haven't been for quite some
time) sexually attracted to him. My problem: I met a man, a student in
one of my yoga classes, who arouses fantasies in my mind. I have never fooled
around on my husband, never thought I would, yet this man is very attractive and seems to
be sending discreet signals that he finds me attractive. He knows I am married and has hinted
at getting together for something to eat, has sent postcards when he is out of town,
and Christmas cards. I am so ripe for an affair it isn't even funny. I know the pitfalls and I
recognize that it is my need for excitement that is causing me to consider betraying my loyal
and faithful husband. However, I am sad and miserable at the thought that I will spend the
rest of my life in a sexless marriage. Do you have any
words of advice? Yoga, ironically, hasn't helped enlighten me. All Twisted Up Dear Twisted, Of course I have advice, and so does anyone else, so do you, so does your
mother and your Aunt Prudence, and probably it's all the same advice, but if you know the
pitfalls and you're heading in that direction, what value does advice have? It's only rational,
after all, and compared to the urge for excitement, common sense is a small canoe on a big
river. This is your story and you're the one who must live it. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a single, 47-year-old woman in San Francisco who would like to
fall permanently in love with the right man. I've been worried that I'm not
attractive, but I think it's a problem of volume; I need to meet a larger number of straight,
well-read, available men in their 40s. I keep trying to imagine where they are, and I'm
afraid they're all home drinking beer and watching the ballgame, or reading
something wonderful they've ordered from Amazon. I hate meeting people
through ads, and trying to come up with a cute pickup line for a guy in
a museum whose wife is probably standing in front of the next painting
is not my idea of a good time. What do you suggest? Home Alone Dear Home, The supply of lovable available men in their 40s, especially well-read ones,
is scarce, and that's just a fact. You're hunting for mountain goats, ma'am. You're probably going to need a guide, a friend who knows a goat personally. The problem is, when a
person is not in a romance and wants to be, then seeking romance becomes central to your
life and you think too hard about it. And romance doesn't bear thinking hard about. Romance
is not the center of life: work is, or family, or religious faith, or political crusades --
romance is an episode that with luck can lead to something nice. No matter how hard you
try, falling in love is accidental. By all means, you should push yourself into the social
stream and meet people, including available men, but do it for its own sake, for the pleasure
of being in groups, of working for a cause, of enjoying music or art, whatever the occasion.
Don't look too hard, in other words. And as long as you bring it up, you ought to do
something about your appearance. If it's on your mind, then there's a problem. Everybody
needs to freshen up their look once in a while. Double-check yours. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a youngish (35) academic who is afraid she's running out of
luck. I got my Ph.D. four years ago from a good school with a
well-respected advisor. Since then, I've held two temporary positions in a
state far from everyone and everything I care about, but I haven't
yet managed to land a tenure-track position. I'm weak on publication, in
part because I haven't had enough stability to settle down to
work (but also, I worry, because I'm just not good enough). I'm
beginning to face the prospect of not making
it as an academic. But I can't imagine another life as rich and interesting as that of a
philosophy professor. I worry that if I leave the academy I'll feel like a failure the rest of my
life. I'm smart and passionate about life and the world, and I
know I have something to contribute, somewhere, but I can't see myself
clear of this sorry state of my life. What should I do? Lost in the Academy Dear Lost, You're at a crucial junction here and you should seek advice from your advisor
and from other people who know your field. Looking for a job is not meant to be a solo
quest. But when it comes to the fundamental question, whether to stick with academia or
look for something elsewhere, you have to consult your soul. Does the academy engage what
is the best part of you? Or are you spinning your wheels? Do you have something to say in a
paper or a book? Or is publication only a ritual? Your life isn't in a sorry state; you simply
need to make some moves in the next few years. You're smart, you'll figure it out. Dear Mr. Blue, I fell in love with a German woman here in Iowa, a very endearing and
outgoing person, and then after a year and a half, she moved back
to Germany to raise her children there. I visited them a couple of
times in the past two years, but it was impossible to hold onto the relationship
at that distance, and we parted. Half a year later, we began writing again. Now, she is
planning to visit Iowa, letting her children stay with their father (he lives in
this town), and she wants to see me. I'm excited; my dreams still turn her way often. Yet I
don't want to set myself up for romantic doom when she leaves. I have
deep feelings for her, and since dating Ms. Germany, I've not felt anything remotely similar
for anyone else. I'm trying to be optimistic, but no one else is on the horizon for me. In a Quandary Dear In a Quandary, Are you asking permission to enjoy her company? Well, you have it.
And yes, it'll be hard to say goodbye to her. But that's what happens when you live life.
And these large experiences serve to make you a more patient, loving, vital person. When
Ms. Iowa comes along, she will have reason to be grateful for there having been a Ms.
Germany. Dear Mr. Blue, Until two years ago, I didn't believe in true love or soul mates; then I
fell in love with my best friend and fell badly. She returned my love. But
she decided she couldn't leave her boyfriend of seven years. She broke
off with me after a short, glorious affair. I tried to remain friends with her, but it proved to
be too painful for me to be around her, so I took off for a trip around the country. I haven't
spoken to her since, though I think about her quite often. Last October, I started dating a colleague at work. I reluctantly fell in
love with her. She is a wonderful woman. We laugh together, hold hands
like love-struck teenagers, feel incredible sexual passion
for one another and we are also great friends and share the same goals of
traveling and building creative lives before settling down to have a
family. I can see myself spending my life with her. Yet, in my heart, I do not feel the same
transcendental "connection" to her that I felt with my first love. Is there only one soul
mate for each person? Can a soul mate connection be cultivated, or is it
simply there or not? Does a commitment to living a life together need to be
based on such a connection, or is it possible for ordinary, mundane love to
sustain a partnership? Am I cheating on my current love by thinking about my ex so much, and
pining for that sense of "spiritual" connection? Guilty Dear Guilty, The lost love is not your soul mate, and the spiritual connection you refer to is
imaginary. A brief passionate affair has great power to the imagination; like a beautiful
fragment of a song or a first line of a poem, it lingers in the mind. But this is not the same
as being soul mates. Your soul mate is not the one you aspire to love, it's the one you make a
life with. The phrase that leaps from your letter is "reluctantly fell in love" -- is this merely
an awkward slip or should you investigate your feelings there? And the other is "ordinary
mundane love"? What is that supposed to mean? You can give yourself some time to sort this
out, but you do need to resolve whether this convenient woman who shares your goals is
someone you're really in love with. Dear Mr. Blue, What is it with the single Gen-X-ers of today who constantly complain
about being alone and uninvolved, and yet they never do anything
about it? I'm a 27-year-old grad student with a large circle of friends who socialize
frequently: At parties, nights on the town, dinner
parties, etc., everyone is constantly complaining about "being
alone," or "being uninvolved," but no one ever seems to do anything about
it! Opportunities to meet other people are abundant, but
people prefer to stand around with friends and ramble on with
their self-involved complaints about loneliness. Why aren't people
meeting? Tired of Putting Up With My Generation's Self-Absorbed Drama Dear Tired, I'm from Generation G -- the G stands for Geezer -- and back in my day,
child, we fell in love like crazy, sometimes two or three times a day. It was the result of a
repressed upbringing. You Xers have been exposed to so much so early that by the time
you're 27, emotionally you're 73, crotchety, bitter, racked with loneliness, trapped in
sensibility. It's your parents' fault for having tried to buy you a life and personality. We
should have been tougher. But it's too late. Just remember that, when you hit 30, there's
no such thing as generations anymore: You're all in the big lake of adulthood then. Excuse
me while I go take my medications. Dear Mr. Blue, My older sister is a 34-year-old mother of four in her second
marriage. She got pregnant right out of high school, and for most of her life, she's been an
irresponsible person, getting herself into pretty much any trouble you can imagine. Through
everything, my parents and I have supported her and bailed her out. Now, for the second
time in 12 months, her husband has left her. He's a lazy bum who has worked about
two weeks in the past year, and now I find out that he's been hitting her and may have hit
my 14-year-old niece. She doesn't want to divorce him! Wanting to stay with a lazy,
abusive, selfish man is beyond the comprehension of any
semi-intelligent being. She has put my poor parents through so much and
they are such sweet, naive people that I just can't take it anymore. I
wish that I was an only child. P.O.'ed in St. Paul Dear P.O.'ed, The first critical issue here is the abuse of the child and the mother, and it's a
legal issue. A man can't be allowed to hit women and walk away from it; he should at least
be confronted by police asking pointed questions. If you have knowledge, you should report
it. The second issue is whether your sister is capable of raising these children, or if her
ditziness is putting them at risk. Put aside your feelings about her and do what you can for
her children, and if the situation warrants, involve the authorities. Don't worry about your
parents, they must have figured out how to cope by now. Worry about the four children.
And don't natter at your sister. Be cool. Don't express your anger toward her in little dribs
and drabs. Wait for the right moment, have your speech ready and then lower the boom
hard. | ||
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