Just what the doctor ordered -- a cocktail of touted but untested remedies for what ails us these days. Our players combined one part medicine and one part technology to concoct their potent potions. The powerful stimulus so elevated us that we even let in one Viagra entry! Thanks to everyone who played digital druggist with us.
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W I N N E R
ACTivan:
Anxiety -- it's an ugly word. But it can strike today's digerati anytime when human contact, however fleeting, takes place without a digital prompt. Watch for the warning signs: Does your contact program nag you to call your mother before your own mother does? Do you strongly believe that teaching of the "graffiti alphabet" should replace the "legacy alphabet" in schools? Does a beeping Personal Information Manager remind you that your SysAdmin's cousin is celebrating a birthday? If these signs are familiar to you, or to someone close to you, ask your doctor about ACTivan, an anti-anxiety medication for the Contact-Data-Dependent.
-- Perry Hewitt
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H O N O R A B L E __M E N T I O N S
Propalmia:
For people who have lost their PalmPilots. Propalmia looks remarkably like a bundle of paper with colored tabs. Non-generic prescriptions come in a nice leather binding. Medical name: philophax dayrunnerase.
-- James T. Hsiao
Linuxodil
Helps network managers' hair to grow back, or at least stops it from falling out. Offers greater stability than its competition Winseng, known for its notorious side effect -- the Blue Face of Death.
-- James T. Hsiao
ModemMucil
The cure for sluggish downloads.
-- Glenn Fawcett
St. John's Port
For when life is scuzzy.
-- K.L. Epperly
PC's Headache Powder
Contents: One pulverized aspirin, a toll-free tech support number and a limited edition, plug-and-play claw hammer.
-- Sam Bennett
Carpal Per Diem
Not only numbs temp employees' wrist joints, but also numbs their sense of stress and anxiety -- so you won't be needing a bulletproof vest when handing out their monthly termination notices. Directions: Insert to anal orifice.
-- Kurt Gray
The Fischer Price PaXiL-2000
The drug of choice for artists and creative types everywhere. Removes the stress and constant ups and downs of filmmaking. Simplifies life into a matter of black and white with fewer shades of gray.
-- Curtis Linderman
SunStation 10,000
The ultimate in tanning technology.
-- Josh McCormick
Waycalm Tablet
Just the thing to cure mouse-o-phobia!
-- Bob Keller
Microsoft Ward
This is the place we all go to after spending an hour and a half with the tech support.
-- Arlene Holt
Excedrin '98:
General Protection Faults giving you migraines? Try Excedrin '98! We've taken Excedrin's proven headache medicine and tailored it to meet today's tough technology-induced skull-crackers head-on. New features include a hardware expansion kit to dispense Excedrin '98 directly from your floppy drive whenever a "crash" condition occurs. (Warning: Finish installing expansion kit before taking Excedrin '98.)
Note for Excedrin '95 users: For a nominal fee your pharmacist can upgrade your remaining pills to Excedrin '98.
-- Kirk Ambrose
[Judge's note: Here's just a sampling of what tumbled out of one pill-popping contributor's medicine closet. Whatever you do, don't take any of these in combination!]
Demo Rol -- Used to soothe the strain caused by hours of Game Demo downloads.
Hyphendydramine -- For-users-made-queasy by-the-over-use-of-hyphens.
Tetris-Cycline -- Used to rid a NASTY Tetris infection.
Phono-barbitol -- Makes Internet telephone addicts sleepy
Monitor-Slidium-Gluetome -- Lubricant used under monitors so users may slide them closer to the eyes, without making the noise associated with doing so.
XXXanax -- For people addicted to XXX sites.
-- Robert Holloway
Hard Drive Viagra:
For those whose 20 Gb drive is acting more like a 3-inch floppy, not to mention taking forever, this new treatment will bring everything back up. Only an hour after installation, you'll be ready to Plug and Play.
-- Chris Nye
Tile 'em all
Getting headaches from too many open windows on your desktop? Chronic backache from leaning forward to squint at the seven viewable pixels on a buried screen? Arthritis pain from excessive clicking between tasks? Tile 'em all comes in convenient applets. (Also available in extra-strength for 21-inch monitors.)
-- Len Dvorkin
St. John's Word
Have you experienced listlessness, or a change in sleeping or eating patterns after hours of trying to make numbered lists work correctly? Now available from your local health-food store, bundled with your next purchase of vitamins, whether you'd like it or not.
-- Perry Hewitt
Digitalis
Cures everything. Need I say more?
-- Charles Pluckhahn
Thanks for your submissions -- and check back in two weeks for the next Salon 21st Challenge.
SALON |Oct. 16, 1998
Charlie Varon is a humorist and playwright. His works include "Ralph Nader Is Missing" and "Rush Limbaugh in Night School." Jim Rosenau is a writer, editor and software designer in Berkeley, Calif. Jim and Charlie are also co-founders of the citizen group Californians for Earthquake Prevention and partners in Mockingbird Productions, which offers a full line of comic services.
