In this Challenge, we asked you to invent new must-have gadgets for the corporate fast-tracker. And once again, human ingenuity has triumphed. You devised enough new high-tech, high-status gadgets that we'll all need more pockets just to keep up with the Gateses. Now all we need is a decent set of rechargeable batteries.
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W I N N E R
Personal Intelligent Network
Uses "bleeding edge" biosensors to monitor several billion points on and inside body. Detects threat conditions, calculates optimum fight-or-flight strategy and coordinates bodily structures to implement plan. Uses existing CPU.
-- Charles Pluckhahn
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H O N O R A B L E __M E N T I O N S
Never expose yourself to techno-inferiority again with the Ultimate Original Personal Deluxe Plus Palm-Sized 200-Year 34-Minute 88-Note 35" AM/FM Auto Laser Activated Cordless Cosmic Proton Remote Controlled Digital Dual Extreme Self-Cleaning Graphite Pigskin IntelliTalking LCD Limited Solar Edition Linear Outdoor Portable Professional Truth-Seeking Floating Robotic Seven-Language Silent Docking Splashproof Stereo Two-Way TeleCording Ultrasonic Universal Vibrating VoiceDial Chromed Titanium System. With case.
-- Andrew Halushka
BabyBeep
Is your toddler techno-illiterate? Discriminating infants sport the BabyBeep, and quickly learn to recognize a variety of beeping sounds simulating actual parental attention. Beeped signals include: "Mama's coming!" "Daddy will be there as soon as he logs out" and "Time to sleep/power save, little one." BabyBeep is available in stimulating primary colors, and attaches readily to diaper, baby carrier and an upcoming custom clothing line from Baby Gap.
-- Perry Hewitt
DeTreknoBabbler
Translates discussion of last night's science fiction show into plain English. Now you no longer need to feel left out when the IT staff gathers around the coffee pot. The patented PlotAnalyser circuitry even points out the plot holes and continuity errors for your derision. (Warning: Unit known to spontaneously combust when analyzing "arc" episodes of "The X-Files."
-- Steve Leahy
Communication Sorter
Ultraconnected execs who are tired of having to check a pager, a Pilot, a digital phone and a cell phone whenever something on their person starts beeping will love the Beeper Beeper. Designed to be worn upside-down on your belt buckle so a quick glance gives you the info you need, the Beeper will let you know which of your communication devices needs your attention the most.
-- Jeremy Sacco
You need the Pocket Pocket Organizer. Misplaced your Dayrunner? Can't remember which pocket your Rolodex is in? This will find it for you. Pocket secretary sold separately.
-- Bob Sassone
Laptop Humidor
Since no one at the office is fooled anymore by your possession of a portable computer (there are techs and secretaries to do all that scut work, for Christ's sake!), you might as well keep your illegal Cubans (a REAL status symbol) close at hand ... and it still sends e-mail, plays Freecell and corrupts Excel spreadsheets as well as a non-humidor laptop.
-- Keith Welch
Plutonium Credit Card
You got your first charge card in college, upgraded to a gold card with your first job, and signed up for a platinum card after your first promotion. Now you're a C.E.O. and that titanium card has already lost its luster. What next? Fear not -- the Plutonium Card will subtly advertise your astronomical ascent to the penthouse office. When you're SO loaded, who needs bone marrow? Blow your friends away -- join now!
-- Jenny Eng
Bossagotchi
Requires constant stroking and ego-boosting -- but, unlike your real boss, will die if you don't provide them.
-- Mark Stevens
Individual Positioning System
Shows what position to take based on the opinions of up to 24 other people. Device won't work inside areas of real responsibility. Device loses power when used but gains power when used by others. Caution: Do not use when driving agendas.
-- Daniel Proudfoot
The Subscription Widget
A typical catch-all gadget, the subscription widget is a cell phone, pager and PDA, none of which it does very well. The hook here is that you get a monthly upgrade! Each month an exciting bold new design and, if you're lucky, a bug fix! Imagine the envy on your peers' faces when they see you have the new purple widget a week ahead of schedule!
-- Mark Wladika
Market List
A true alpha man is a man of two worlds. Not only does he slam-dunk the business community, but in his pocket is a grocery list to help out his exhausted wife!
-- Holly E. Price
Thanks for your submissions -- and check back in two weeks for the next Salon 21st Challenge.
SALON | Sept. 18, 1998
Charlie Varon is a humorist and playwright. His works include "Ralph Nader Is Missing" and "Rush Limbaugh in Night School." Jim Rosenau is a writer, editor and software designer in Berkeley, Calif. Jim and Charlie are also co-founders of the citizen group Californians for
Earthquake Prevention and partners in Mockingbird Productions, which offers a full line of comic services.
